birthday day of birth

hello everybody!
yes it is my birthday, as the Blur band said, 'it's my birthday, no-one here day' which is very apt today as i sit alone in the library...

i typed my birthday into google (of course, i am bored) and my 'birth report' appeared, i was hesitant to look thinking it may be one of those, 'when will i die?' things. Especially as I got electrocuted last night by a wire chewed through by the rabbits, and said to simon, 'what if i die?' to which his response was very sweetly 'then we'll bury you.' which was practical to the point of mental I feel. But i deserved it.
ANYWAY. Apparently my fortune cookie reads:

"Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded."

 Which i think will happen when i am dead cause it sure ain't happenin anytime soon, I say this getting on with my daily duties of filling the photocopier and shredding and occassionally changing the water on the water cooler, phew, my large brain is overheating.


my birth report is excellent and perfectly apt i feel. My LIFE PATH (??) is 6. sounds pretty simple to me. it means i am:

 the ultimate nurturer, and a beacon for truth, justice, righteousness, and domesticity.

definitely true, i love carrying out justice and shining my light of truth into the dark corners of life.

You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service, and ever present support. You are a humanitarian of the first order. It is your role to serve others

oh please, stop it, you're embarrassing me!

You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, the family and the friends

leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help you are one who will willingly carry far more than your fair share of any load, and you are always there when needed
yes, that is why i am always the most angry, now you see, now you learn!

A a caretaker type, you are apt to attract partners who are somewhat weaker and more needy than yourself; someone you can care for and protect. But there is a tendency for you to become dominating and controlling.

wait a minute, i wouldn't go that far...I call it KIND control :)


It's likely you feel compelled to function with strength and compassion. You are a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of your life, and these define your approach to life in general. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age. This allows you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on
yup. extraordinary wisdom. that's me. wow, my wiseness is literally extraordinary!!
 
You may have a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others, especially members of you own family or close friends. It's easy for you to fall into a pattern of being too critical of others; you also have a tendency to become too hard on yourself.
yes, i am too hard on myself. critical of others? as if...hmmmmmmm ;)
 
produce tendencies for you to engage in exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Modesty and humility may not flow easily. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern.
 
I have literally never exaggerated in my life, this is literally the stupidest thing i have ever read, I am literally so angry i have never been this angry, but today i saw a magpie that was actually looking at me, and it was literally bigger than a cat.
as for meddling... i couldn't possibly comment on my tendency to turn off people's fridges at parties...


The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.
 
oh, phew, that explains that then, why my life is a mash up i mean! at last!
 
 
Here's the site:
http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthData.asp
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.


You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.

You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

tell me and we can decide whether to never see each other again. chances are i am probably dominating and controlling you by now whilst carrying your burdens but criticizing you at the same time. sound familiar?

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 4.14559686888454 years old.
I genuinely found that interesting! I want to meet a dog that age and look it up and down.

This is nice to know too, my lucky tree is Lime but that means:
many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! why did i look at this?! too close to the bone that one. waaaay too close...
i was born under a waxing moon which i like, it sounds like a country and western song about someone leaving someone under a waking moon. i am going to write that song, don't steal my idea. I will put my wailing to good use.
GOD now it's telling me what my name means, my lucky number was 5 under my birthdate, now it's 9, my name is a flower apparently? that is interesting. although in German it's representative of horse, why have they always got to trample out the beauty?
my 'soul urge' number is 1, duh!
and my 'inner dream' number 8 means i want business success, like, in the world of business (i don't).
I am pleased to see that Scott Baio shares the same birthday as me, I am pretty bloody shocked to see that he was born in 1961 so he is 50!

Nick Cave also has my birthday and Andrea Bocelli. Of course, my nemesis Billie Piper has the same date and day as me so she continues to be my parallel life person...

A reminder just went on my phone and I got up and looked at it wearliy, it was an alarm on my calendar saying 'birthday' am I fucking stupid or what? when the hell did i set that?!



So now i must leave you and continue to follow life path 6. see you in the neighbouring life path or one furhter along, Maybe it's like in the 100m, the closer you are to the middle the more advantage you get on the bends...?
i think lane six is the last one on the outside?

riots schmiots

Shit. I just watched that toilet Starkey on newsnight talking about the rivers of blood speech and how it was coming true. wow. we always laugh at what a massive tory he is on Question Time and how much he looks like a character from wind in the willows, but a bastard one.
god i just looked at his biog, his partner is called James Brown! I can't believe he grew up dirt poor and he has such reactionary views to working class people now, he hates women i can see, which comes as no surprise at all. what a dick.
I STARTED THAT BLOG During the riots....before i went on holiday (seems a million years ago)
it seems apt because today i was listening to a comedy programme and they were pointing out the hypocrisy of the Tories chattings about the riots and the 'feral youth' and so on, when BoJO the MAYOR of fucking London and David 'call me dave' cameron were in the Bullingdon club!!!!!!!

whose requirement is that members are rich enough that they can fulfill:
the need to pay for the uniform, dinners and damages

described by a very sympathetic Oxford man as being mischievous, destructive and self-indulgent

other facts:
Membership elections are held twice a year, when successful new members are visited in their rooms, which are then 'trashed' as a symbol of their election.


The Club's modus operandi has often been to book a private dining room under an assumed name, as most restaurateurs are wary of the Club's reputation for causing considerable drunken damage during the course of dinner.

Oh, and what's this? a statement FROM BoJo that broom-waving nob:
I don't think an evening would have ended without a restaurant being trashed and being paid for in full, very often in cash. [...] A night in the cells would be regarded as being par for a Buller man and so would debagging anyone who really attracted the irritation of the Buller men.

debagging, by the way, for anyone that didn't go to school in a castle, is pulling someone's trousers and pants down, OOHH naughty!!
even in the early days a report that:
on 12 May 1894 and again on 20 February 1927,after dinner, Bullingdon members smashed almost all the glass of the lights and 468 windows in Peckwater Quad of Christ Church, along with the blinds and doors of the building.

The Bojo cameron lot are even rumoured to have paid for these restaurants by just chucking a wad of money through a smashed up window.

But that in no way is as bad as what rioters did.
They took stuff, they didn't even pay for it. It would have been okay if they'd just smashed the fuck out of the buildings, thrown a load of money in and then returned to their pathway direct to the seat of power.
Smashing stuff up in order to actually nick stuff is unforgivable: smashing stuff up JUST because you can afford to, and because you find normal people who need to work in order to survive disgusting,  is cheeky and mischevious!
4 years in prison for inciting a riot that never even happened. so basically 4 years for writing something on the internet that no-one paid any attention to. That seems fair when compared to causing thousands of pounds worth of damage then running off into the night in a 5 grand suit giggling and going to bed with nothing to worry about whilst a business loses thousands of pounds, no skin of your rosy nose as you tuck yourself up in your lovely Oxford dorm.

the fact that people elected these rioting scumbags is vomit-enducing to me. Who voted for them? Who didn't realise that they have total and utter contempt and disgust for people who aren't like them? you fucking idiots, you've been had alright! The got you good!!They don't know anything about life in the sense that you do, they never will, and they don't want to-why would they? If you had been one of them you would have gotten a criminal record for the stuff they did at uni, then ended up fucked, not in government. there are 2 streams and you are in the shitstream, they are on a yacht cruising past you trying not to look down and notice you staring up through all the shit because it makes them feel queasy, like if somoene homeless with no legs asks you for money and you don't have any.
Imagine never having had to worry about money once in your life. It is impossible. Money is the main, overriding factor of daily existence, worrying about it. working out how to keep people off your back, spreading it out a bit, worrying about it more, constantly in fact. Well they have never had to worry about money. they are ali0ns.


in more exciting news, i am bidding on a folding bike, i'd better bloody win it.
can't wait for 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy'
my rabbit has turned into Sonic the hedgehog, hair wise.
I had a 5 hour 'nap' on Sunday and could have gone for more.
off to Newcastle to start my MA/MSc on Thursday, pretty mental. I will be BA BA MA.

lllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttterrrrrrrrsasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

going summer mad

Yes,
the rumour is true. I seem to be going mad.
My dreams have become more exhausting than ever, the worst part being that they are endlessly trawling through past memories and experiences, featuring people who I don't see any more, or don't see enough, featuring holidays and getting drunk and mainly me as a younger person, the person I was maybe 5 years ago? Which is the person that I am still scared of being, but also the person that I am drawn to and dwell on. I know now that I have a very self-destructive streak, it's not something I ever dared think about when I was younger but if things get hard my first instinct is always to get drunk and/ or to run away, my first thoughts are always self-loathing.
I don't know why I think about this period of my life so much, it was the worst time of my life, I can say that objectively. I had no idea what I was doing, I was behaving incredibly self-destructively with no regard at all for myself or for my mental state. I think it is that that I find so attractive sometimes, I feel now like I am settled, like any sort of wild behaviour is behind me, I sometimes miss the drama of it and also I miss the fact that when you are doing awful stuff and people are being shitty to you, you have an excuse all the time to behave however you like. Feeling depressed can be liberating because you stop caring about how people think towards you and you stop caring about how you behave and what the consequences might be.

5 years ago I was unhappy, I was unhappy non stop for 2 years. Well, seriously depressed. I slept awfully. I ate rarely, I drank a lot, i behaved recklessly in every way. I felt lonely. I stopped feeling the comfort of my family, the thing that had always cushioned me. I stopped wearing a seatbelt, I didn't care what happened to me. I probably pushed people away, I certainly had less interest in other people. Except the ones who I knew would be cruel to me of course!

My friend is getting married tomorrow, 2 more are engaged and now my oldest best friend Joe is engaged too. I expect that is what has brought on this backward looking. I am not engaged, nor do I have children, both of which I wanted by now. I have a low-level job. I commute 2 hours a day, which is something i never wanted. I am 2 dress sizes larger than 5 years ago, probably 3 really. I still suffer from occasional depression but that will always be there. I still have anxiety, right now I can't breathe well and my legs never stop tapping! I don't exercise enough, I don't feel like I have the time.

The thing is, I love reading and I read a lot, I have really re-discovered how much that can affect your life. I love going to RSPB places with simon and looking through binoculars trying to spot a puffin. I love the fact that I have made friends in Wakey, the relaxing kind of friend who doesn't want anything from you except to chat and laugh,  no games. I know I am calmer now. I know that that phase of my life was bad, I think of that person and I feel really sorry for her, getting battered by everything. I am doing an MA I am even excited about the prospect of becoming a librarian, I could work in an history library! or a classics library, I could actually have a career-!
I AM still drawing, and although I am not famous (yet) I still do it, that is the point. I work hard at my mental health as well, I know how hard it was to climb out of being miserable and lost and I know how strong I must have been to do it so I won't risk it again, not on anyone.

So that's that. I felt shit this morning. Now i feel better, because things ARE better and they are getting better. So there you go. You thought I was incapable of being positive.

On another note, Marie and Frida are well and looking forward to their stay in the Barnsley Bunny hotel. I have requested carpet instead of sawdust floor and curtain for privacy! I am SO excited about france, i dreamed last night everyone dropped out. I can't believe we are actually going on holiday!!!! Not to downgrade our holiday last year to my grandma's who I love, but my uncle is living there now and let's just say, that ain't so relaxed...............very worried about Grandpa who is in a bloody southern cross care home. hoping desperately things won't change because it is actually a good one.
reading really interesting book of inpatients at Bedlam, just case notes, they all seem to have the same thing, the men all have delusions of grandeur. I think they all have syphilis...there's a lot of removing of clothes and parading around as well...men never change do they?

off to cambridge tonight, Helen's wedding tomorrow I am very excited and think I will cry a lot. wearing a dress of grandma's slightly adjusted for my ampler bosom. mostly looking forward to a relaxing fri night and pizza party with mum and dad.

bye for now!

ey up june

Hi crew. sorry about the blog disappearing for so long. i seem to have a kind of blog-block where i can't bear TO write it even though mental stuff continues to happen to me on a daily basis.

I dreamed i was at school last week which set the alarm bells ringing that i might be more anxious than usual (by the way i hope you don't mind me never capitalizing my 'I's i just really feel that life is too short for such things so, you know, get over it) anyway, when i dreamt last night that i was SITTING A MATHS EXAM i realised this morning that things must be seriously wrong in my brains.... i even had a fight with the teacher DURING the exam cause she was helping everyone answer their questions and i was utterly outraged cause i was also crap at maths but unable to get help. I only remember saying 'i can't believe you're shouting it's so unprofessional!!' to her-!!!!!!! what a twat! I did, of course, have a few screaming arguments with teachers at school. Two teachers in particular, i had a proper proper fall out with, arguing how you'd argue at your worst with your parents, both shouting. blimey. Some of my teachers were seriously shit teachers. it's hard to take advice from someone who's intelligence you are genuinely questioning, especially if you're a precocious shit like i was. some of them i feel sad about. they got a shit deal of us and the school. Unfortunately we did invent seriously funny games, games that i would still find really funny now!

anyway. The math's exam dream left me understandably shaken today. Especially as the people in it were really in my GCSE math's class. James, you were there, i knew you'd do well even though you never worked, like in Biology A-level... It was intercut with a dream that i was at a rich girl's house at Christmas time and we were planning on a night out but it was already 4:30 am so i was starting to lose interest... she was off to rent a house in a really rich area of town and her mum was paying. I felt like a right scumbag around her. there were loads of cotton wool snowmen everywhere that i threw in the bin then had to remove and meticulously arrange again...

anyway sorry i know other people's dreams are a real arse-ache, unfortunately my dreams are so long and vivid and fucking exhausting every night that they distract me all day.
the math's exam as well is so unlike me, it's such a classic that i am sure it must tell me something.

I was very upset by events on Springwatch last night. I realised in one acute moment how totally out of touch i am with the real world, there was a story of a little bird who was brooding her chicks, you can watch it on a little camera in the nesting box. Tuesday the mum bird was being a bit mad and disappearing for ages so the chicks were getting cold, then she was trying to feed them but as they were cold they couldn't open their gobs really wide like chicks are meant to. One died and one was weak, the other seemed okay. when they returned to it last night i was just so so totally and utterly convinced that it would all work out okay, because it was on television! because there's always a last minute reprieve, or the camera man would intervene and warm the birds in his pocket or the mum would suddenly sort-it out.

It just did not occur to me that it was just trundle on as it was and inevitably the chicks would all die and the mum would be confused and it would be as bad as could be and yet, of course, that's exactly what happened.
I was pretty upset, i mean, why would telly show me that? why the hell wasn't there a happy ending? why didn't they intervene? Simon says cause it is nature, but there's nothing natural about everyone in the country watching it on a box so i think intervene. things always die if they're left alone so the whole point of you seeing it is you can help. yes. that is what i think. I am very immature when it comes to animals, i find their suffering literally unbearable, when i see little lambs or sheep or anything and i know why they're there i just want to collapse and die...

Talking of animals, Frida and Marie are booked into the Bunny hotel for our stay in France, they will be dropped off in Barnsley and stay in a hutch for the 2 weeks with the best bunny care available, we went and looked at the place and it's lovely, a purpose-built bunny cottage!!

let's see. not much else is new, the usual saga at Armley pool the lanes were removed yesterday and it was utter chaos, i was kicked in the stomach and caressed on the leg, i had to to a caricature-outrage look the whole time and was pretty close to, you know, saying something, although of course i didn't! I just stomped back to the 'changing village' in disgust 15 minutes before my allotted swim was up.

anyways, that's me. more soon!

what's new?ow do.

hey hey it's me blog fans, been ages again i know. i can't will myself to write most of the time.

So what's new? hhmmm uh huh, yup, interesting.
now me.
I am on a diet, kind of, as in i am going to be less greedy, i have gone in a bit at the deep end and made a lunch which i am sure will have me eating my oval rubber later on in the studio, but i truly feel compacted with fat like a Scottish Lawn sausage so i am finally going to swim and run about a bit, the myriad of things that come from putting on weight are driving me mental such as having so discernable jaw so i feel like the Radish God off 'spirited away' (although i also often feel like the big head witch too, oh, and her fat baby too...hmm)
also when i am walking i feel often as if i have vast weights attached to me (i mean technically, i do, my thighs) i also hate having this vast cumbersome chest that i never used to have and prevents you from ever feeling slender, i know how my granny has always felt now.

SO i am taking action blog friends, i have a Dr Karg. crispbread and a yoghurt, i am off to the swimming pool, which is as much for my back as it is for my thighs, I have also registered for pilates for back pain so i am becoming quite, well, you know, whatever.

what else is new??
i have been snapping up bargains, i am currently wearing some 'Next' shoes that cost me £2 from the shop in wakey called freddies that sells stuff from proper shops for nowt, i have also discovered shoe zone but immediately discovered why their shoes are so cheap...
me and olivia spent a lost weekend watching the only way is essex, Towie, to those in the know, and have discovered the genius that is Joey Essex, tiny trousered club promoter who is so stupid that you actually envy him cause everything is amazing to him, he's like a man-child.
it is dangerour to watch though as i seriously want botox now, really seriously, and i would def get other stuff if i had money. so better not watch it any more...

god healthy food is crunchy, i've nearly crunched my gums off!

spent the royal wedding in dorset with grandma, then had a wee picnic at Cerne Abbas in my grandpa's care home which was a nice way to do it i feel, royal wedding overkill has now swiftly been replaced by osama bin laden overkill (literally) and the usual wooping and screaming american's devoid of any sense of consequence or hypocrisy, it all makes me very unsettled and unhappy.

you'll all be pleased to hear that the bunnies are mad as ever and hopping like crazy although that may be because simon trod on frida's foot yesterday...census ends on friday so i will be freed of my evening obligations and able to get back into the studio. Bloody voting tomorrow and still can't decide which way to go.

most importantly, my sister lalage sat on a cat in a tea room on sunday, thinking it was a cushion.
that is the greatest thing that has happened all year.
speak soon blog faces.

february-the shittest month? contender?

Oh february, you have one thing going for you, you are suprisingly short, so payday comes around faster...
the weather is mad in february and every winter seems longer each year...my life is like a big winter oh shut your face rose.

so actually things have been looking up a bit, my contract was extended for another year which i have been dreading not happening. i have applied for an MA which is probably going to be funded too, pretty nice.
my bunnies are quite quiet actually thanks, but nice of you to ask. they are shedding which makes them withdraw somewhat but didn't stop one of them (i have my suspicions who) shitting 1.5 metres up the wall, i didn't know whether to be angry or to give them a round of applause! as it was i was so stunned that i just laughed in admiration.

off to cambridge later, haven't been since xmas, got a hosp appt and then off to see grandma. Uncle tim is living there too at the mo which is going to be slightly mental! however i intend to run across the hills and try and run some tit fat off that dog of grandmas, you know, the one who sings when you play the accordian, fuck mumford and sons and their london folk music, Goldie the dog sings haunting ballads when given the chance, she's suffered alright and her music shows that. although you wouldn't know it now by her grinning face and 10 big tits.


anyway, enough about a dog's tits.

i was trying to clean some of the creeping black mould off my window earlier in the week and it suddenly started to rain REALLY hard, like in a film hard, then that turned to hail, there was a boy walking back from school in the passage beneath and he had his arms outstretched and was nodding his head forwards and backwards and shouting something as if to say 'come ooooonn' he was laughing too, he looked up and saw me and we both laughed, at the hail and at me seeing him and at him getting soaked but not caring, enjoying it, it was pretty sweet.

there's probably a novel in that. 'The creeping mould and the laughing simpleton' or something.
anyway, iam OFF. got a week off woo hoo, having my 3rd wisdom out in March by LOCAL anaesthetic i can't believe i tried to be a hero with that?! what a fool! it's going to be AWFUL!
laters pets
pS how much are you LOVING berlusconi going on trial? he DEF won't get sentenced but that doesn't mean we can't dream!!!

people+journey=bastard life

the annoyance at people on the bus/train/ at the station continues.
i have realised you can divide public transport people into a few simple categories and sub-categories:

1. the socially unaware-

a.people who believe that their journey is more important than anyone elses.
     likely characteristics of this are:
talking loudly on a phone, putting their newspaper/briefcase on the seat next to them or just sitting in the aisle and leaving the other seat empty,  pushing you out of the way or walking fast and hard and cutting you up really badly-this is especially common at the ticket barrier, fighting with staff if the train is delayed.

b. clueless people-
   likely character traits:
Old, teenage, like to stop at the top of a flight of stairs to count their tickets, can't operate the ticket barrier and force a large queue to build (where you are likely to meet character a) stand across the escalator so no one can get past, walk down the stairs very slowly with a dog/bag/ teenagers in a gang ( i have missed a train before just cause of the stair slowness) ask for information at the desk but don't understand the answer, teenagers gang about with lots of mcdonalds bags, usually drinking milkshakes.
On the bus they are likely to ask for complex directions or have lots of trouble finding their bus pass/ change and cause the bus to stop for minutes at a time.

2. the socially aware-

a. Fighters
   Likely characteristics:
swear loudly and mutter about anything to do with the train or the bus driver ie 'where the fuck is he going?' they absolutely DON'T want a response to their outbursts, they just want to make sure you can hear them and be more upset than you are. especially common on buses (where yesterday i saw a man confront a driver for changing the ticket roll whilst at a red light, he took a photo of the man and said 'you are putting these people's lives in danger' then when he got off continued arguing and said 'i'll kill you' which made him lose the moral high ground  that he was going for, it lasted in all about 3 minutes and was unbearably cringemaking to watch) these people may behave badly, ie smoke, argue into their phone, in order to prompt an argument with another person on the bus/train.

b. Chatters.
   Likely characteristics:
male. nearly always men. middle aged, dressed strangely, often with a musty smell, these people want to engage in some banter (led by them) well, they want to talk AT someone as they think that they are wasted and have a lot of stuff to impart on the public seated around them. This usually takes the form of them saying something in response to someone else who is NOT talking to them, when they join in, or else they will talk about weather/delay, but quickly turn it round to them/ where they're from/ what they do/ the old days. you normally feel sorry for them but really want them to shut up, there's normally an element of sexism/racism in their conversation, normally directed at the person nearest them. No amount of ignoring will abate it.

c. Should-know-betters.
   Likey characteristics:
Seemingly normal looking women or men, aged 25-45, these people are average people on the street who betray casual bastardly behaviour, if confronted would probably crumble, but may lash out so gauge it well. These are the people who board the empty bus and immediately sit in the disabled seat, staring at the floor or their metro when someone who needs it gets on. they also sit red faced and burning with guilty but righteous silence on the train in their seat while pregnant women/older people stand pressed next to them staring down at them. They never offer to help elderly people off the train, even if they have a huge bag, or ladies with prams even if you give them a death stare and do it yourself.
They are a mystery to all people who were raised well. Basically the kind of people who would find a tenner on the bus, suspect the old lady getting off dropped it, but decide to keep it and tell themselves it is okay.

d. normil
  there are normil people who do their best on the train and bus, i never see any, but i know i am one and that most of the people i know are,ok i do see them now and again and i always feel warmth towards them. Even us normils are prone to the odd mutter but mine is always directed at a passenger not the driver.


Final bonus category:
Posh people
-just can't do public transport, their presence in the carridge is distracting and they are likely to do some of the above but mostly their voices drive you mad and they are always on the phone. they also always manage to wangle 2 seats and usually eat something very healthy that looks rank. you end up listening to their myriad of conversations all the way.



laters potaters, i am off to do my daily bus then train journey home, wish  me luck :)
  ps. the trains are FUCKING expensive and genuinely get shitter day by day so we should be angry about that! my train is on time perhaps 1 day a week but often none, and is delayed by more than 10 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.