illness continues

Bloody hell, went for a troll about yesterday, had some coffee and some coffee cake (not very daring i know) bought some charity items, got rained on but didn't mind, avoided a VERY aggressive charity signer-upper lad (i would bet serious money that he had never given a penny to a worthy cause in his life) then came home and started to vom (and the other) for about 4 hours until i was a weakened husk, lying in bed, stomach hurting so much that i was in agony.

I am writing this now cause I am so BORED of being in bed, the most exciting moment of the last two days was when a fly and a bee came into the window at the same time, that was like carnival compared to what I've been up to.

So anyway, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself, I guess I picked up a bug cause I've had a cold for about 2 weeks so my immune system is pretty shot. I must admit though, it does make me think about when I used to go out all the time, drinking and barely sleeping, inhaling smoke and eating crap, I think i get ill a LOT more now that I live a clean and relatively sober life, so I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, at least when you get ill from booze you can blame it on that, now I just lie in bed thinking 'what fucker sneezed on that bus handle that I must have touched and got ill from? what bastard didn't wash their hands and gave me the voms??' it's much worse!

That news story about a teacher trying to kill a student is quite exciting, makes me think of all those times that I was working at CATS and wanted to attack a student with a 4-hole punch or a broken chair back, well they haven't charged the man yet even though the whole class saw it and 2 students who tried to break it up also felt his wrath, so looks like I should have done what I felt all along? arses! what about you Alex, is everyone talking about it? Made me think of you and wonder if it was inspiring teachers all over Britain to rise up against cheeky kids? I got pretty close to it I guess, I had a screaming fight with my art teacher that ended in her crying and me slipping her a threatening letter from my dad, also had a screaming fight with Miss Smilers in my driveway, although she subsequently loved me the most once all that had died down, and to be fair, i was innocent of the crime all along and just wasn't gonna dob in my friends...I guess we were quite cheeky, but probably in a good way, lots of our teachers were quite annoying and also quite thick, and we were right all along that you must question authority because they rarely know what they're doing, I've witnessed this ten million times at the schools that I've worked in, most people are just holding their breath and hoping for the best, it's true in most jobs.

In Hill's Road, for example, which is apparently the BEST state VI form in Britain, they didn't hire a Classical Civ teacher to replace our teacher when she left after the first year, so we ended up with Dr Baldwin, a near-blind English teacher who wore a magnifying glass around her neck, she arrived on the first day and stated "I know nothing about Classical Civilizations so I will be learning with you" needless to say, we learned NOTHING and she was shit. Not to mention the fact that we had to print our essays in 40 point cause of her eyes, so there were about 8 words per page, and she was convinced I was ill to the point where she put it on my REPORT simply because she didn't understand that this was my real voice?! She also publicly humiliated me when I brought in Passolini's Medea, in fact she regularly displayed quite an amazing immaturity, it was hard not to doubt her really, I think she gave me D's all year, even though I was pretty sure that I understood the subject and was better than that. Lo and behold, I got the best A level in the group by a mile, despite the SHIT teaching/ lack of teaching/being self-taught, and was only 7 marks off 100%, needless to say, I found her on results day, just to casually inform her of this. She didn't care. At all.

right, that's enough naval-gazing for one day, sorry about that, I've been spending too much time alone see! I'll probably start drawing up a shitlist of enemies and go on a spree soon? Finally, spraying the words 'I WAS RIGHT' into a wall with machine-gun bullets, before blowing out my brains before the authorities could take me down?Probably clutching all of my school reports as well... don't even start me on the story of the Hockey Colour that I didn't get because she 'thought I had one already' yeah RIGHT cause she HATED me that was why! 5 FUCKING YEARS in the first hockey team and the only person, including all those who were SHIT and those only played ONE game, the ONLY person not to get a colour. I am still VERY bitter about that. I think, oh my god, i've just realised that that might be the root of all my problems, that's when things started to go wrong for me...

anyone who wants to help me soothe my brains while i sit alone in this flat with a contracting stomach and a contracting throat watching jeremy kyle, please help.

weird dreams...

i had the scariest dream ever EVER last night, a werewolf lived in the drain under my house and every night i was awoken by the sound of it devouring its victims, also knowing that it wanted to eat my family but it only came out at night... sometimes it was just a wolf, and ran in a pack, sometimes it was a man with white blond hair... I was so so terrified and was pleading with my parents for us to move, it was horrible! dream interpretation tells me this:

Werewolf To see a werewolf in your dream, indicates that something in your life is not what it seems.�It is symbolic of fear, repressed anger, and uncontrollable violence.

uh oh!! uncontrollable violence!!

oh no, i've found an even worse one:

WEREWOLF : Werewolves often symbolise people who have undergone a total change in character usually for the worst. It may link to someone who has suddenly shown you a darker and more scarier side - maybe they lost their temper with you on the day before the dream.

WerewolvesWerewolves may not seem like terribly positive symbols, but again, this all depends upon your own association with them. In its negative aspect, the werewolf could symbolize some part of yourself that is completely out of control, some aspect that could be harmful not only to you but to those around you. In contemporary mythology, the werewolf's transformation is something over which he or she has no control, a transformation that is dictated by the cycle's of the moon. Therefore, the werewolf in a dream could symbolize a life altering or dramatic change over which you feel you have no control. It could also symbolize an emotion or a reaction to a situation or a person over which you feel you have no control, something or someone that pushes your emotional buttons in such a way that your automatic response is beastly.


shit. it's all true.
my automatic response is beastly...
after i woke up i fell asleep again and dreamt that i was trapped in a flood. i'm mad.

just watching this morning, although i shall finally venture out today, my cold has drawn back into being a crusty lung cold, i bought a granny trolley in Fins Park, i have stuffed it full of things and will attempt to wheel it to the studio today. i am still petrified of the studio, yes, this is true, BUT i think i have worked out why that is, and i have also had some ideas, do i sound a bit defensive?? NOOO I'M FINE!! leave me alone all of you!


just watching

fluey

wowee, Tuesday already, been another very emotional and action packed week in the life of rose and her companions.

Saw Blur on Friday, can't really go into it as i haven't digested it fully yet. Let's just say there's one of my life aims ticked off. The crowd were such a shower of bastards that it is incredible! That gig sold out in 2 minutes, WHY did they get tickets??? they didn't actually want to be there!! The amount of people who were too pissed to stand up was pretty incredible. Fucking idiots. We were fantasising that we had been allowed o stand at the gate and quiz people on Blur, only letting in the true fans! It's very frustrating when you've waited 15 years to see a band and you can't see the stage because there's a girl standing in front of you with her friend just posing for photos like a model, and a gaggle of absolute CRETINS next to you (who are so pissed that you genuinely fear for your safety) shouting "GIIWWLS AND BOYYSS DAMO! DO GIWWLSS AND BOYYAAS YOUUU FAAAKINN CAAANTT". There's only one solution for these people: firing squad.

Had a proper sunny London Saturday, went to the Natural History museum, bit depressing, absolutely nothing had been updated at all! Everything said: 'It is predicted that by the year 2000 carbon emissions will be...' and stuff, it was all completely 1980's.... went for a Turkish meal, after a drink in the Faltering Fallback in Fins Park, stuffed ourselves sick then decided to go bowling... i came....SECOND!!! it's never happened, I've only ever come last or second from last, so that was immensely excellent, seems that being inflated with food and booze is excellent for my game. just as i suspected...

on to the T-Bird for more booze and juke box, then back to the flat for prosecco to celebrate chloe getting an internship at the campaign against the arms trade (Brill) and also had a mouse vigil as chlo and lal are becoming increasingly shocked at the confidence of the mice who live in the flat, they now hang upside down and use the wire from the fridge to shimmy up onto the counters... something which sounds very amusing to those who don't live there (ie. me and simon) but which they are clearly not at all amused by... so we decided to coax them out by sitting in silence, it was,however, after all the booze, impossible.

woke up with a hangover, decided to get out of the house so me chlo and simon went for a troll up Seven Sister's Road which was the usual excitement of things going on. Settled on a whisk around Peacock's and the 99p store, and a crepe at the Croissant d'Or, excellent work all round.

Me and rowey got the train back to Cambs and had a quick dinner with mum and dad then drove back to Wakey.

Woke up yesterday pretty convinced that I had Swiners, now that everyone i know has a swine contact, it's a waiting game, plus I'm not totally sure that I would survive it... my lungs are SHIT which seems to be the worst thing you can have with it...normal flu is very dangerous to those with weak lungs so i guess swiners is even worse...I've got a build up of flu jabs from over the years, maybe that'll help?!(it won't)

anyway, felt AWFUL yesterday, really really achy and weak and shit, slept almost all day, don't feel great today, like I have a barrel of snot instead of a head and neck...still riddled with guilt over my inactivity on the illustration front... :( it's hard to get stuck in at the moment as i am so all over the place settling in/having no money and also going away on and off all summer, I'll be away from next Mon until the 1st Aug doing various activities...

anyway, I'm off to enjoy 'the mayor of casterbridge' acquired from the LoveFilm free trial!

I may be going slightly mad, not sure at the moment.

hot hot heat

got a further two investment opportunities promising me riches today. :)

it is SO f ing hot, it's like being inside an oven, the heat is literally blasting at you from every side.

we don't have a freezer and I've got to say i really want one today. ice lollies are the only remedy. not to mention just, ice.

wellll what have i been doing? went to ikea yesterday, bought some sweet kitchen stuff and a shelving unit for my studio. the studio remains largely unaltered, just crap everywhere and neglect. and guilt...

went to the studios for a workshop day today, it was nice cause i met some people so now i am not completely anonymous to all, however, my shit social skills were prominent due to my immense discomfort from the heat combined with a creepy head cold that developed last night and woke me up loads with a sore throat. I did a lot of sweating and hand-wringing and pretending to read things in order to look like i knew why i was there...

continuing my progress into dysfunctional housewife (yesterday i made bread all day and threw nearly all of it away in frustration) i bought a retractable clothesline with the idea of having it run the length of the hallway, i think this makes me a genius, i also know that it makes me a total loser. I WANT A GARDEN! I WANT A FREEZER!! argh! the flat is looking really great though, very cosy, even the i-player den is coming along, I've moved a comfy chair in here with a beanbag footstool to watch i player in comfort and quiet, however Simon's massive exercise bike does somewhat detract, but he likes to pedal on it while watching Dr Who, and who am i to deny him his basic comforts (I'll deny them gradually).

off to London tomorrow night, seeing BLUR in Hyde Park on Friday afternoon, somewhat nervous about it all, mainly because i love them so much and i will probably get eggy at all the stupid tag-along kids there, blocking my view and taking constant pictures on their FUCKING PHONES (every gig i have been to for the last 2 years has been a view of a sea of phones completely blocking out the stage and distracting you from the music) because of course these days, it's never enough to GO somewhere, you need to document it relentlessly so that you miss the entire experience but at least you can prove to vague acquaintances online that you were there. Slightly nervous about the heat as well... I do tend to get crazy head from the sun, so I'll be there getting tasty with teenagers all dizzy from sunstroke i expect HOWEVER it is potentially a pinnacle of my life as Blur are my favourite band ever, and always have been, and i have never seen them before so i will probably have an epiphany. i hope.

anyhoo, it's impossible to know what to eat in this weather? no wonder mediterranean peoples are thin, i only want orange ice lollies. or those lemonade ones that you used to get when you were little, we used to leave them in glasses to see if they melted into lemonade. Not a scientific breakthrough I admit.

i am such a wimp, i don't know how i'll stand it if it's hotter than this! I can't really stand this!

anyway, hope you're all keeping cool. i'm off to lie in bed with the fan on and one hand on my forehead like in a black and white film.