ey up june

Hi crew. sorry about the blog disappearing for so long. i seem to have a kind of blog-block where i can't bear TO write it even though mental stuff continues to happen to me on a daily basis.

I dreamed i was at school last week which set the alarm bells ringing that i might be more anxious than usual (by the way i hope you don't mind me never capitalizing my 'I's i just really feel that life is too short for such things so, you know, get over it) anyway, when i dreamt last night that i was SITTING A MATHS EXAM i realised this morning that things must be seriously wrong in my brains.... i even had a fight with the teacher DURING the exam cause she was helping everyone answer their questions and i was utterly outraged cause i was also crap at maths but unable to get help. I only remember saying 'i can't believe you're shouting it's so unprofessional!!' to her-!!!!!!! what a twat! I did, of course, have a few screaming arguments with teachers at school. Two teachers in particular, i had a proper proper fall out with, arguing how you'd argue at your worst with your parents, both shouting. blimey. Some of my teachers were seriously shit teachers. it's hard to take advice from someone who's intelligence you are genuinely questioning, especially if you're a precocious shit like i was. some of them i feel sad about. they got a shit deal of us and the school. Unfortunately we did invent seriously funny games, games that i would still find really funny now!

anyway. The math's exam dream left me understandably shaken today. Especially as the people in it were really in my GCSE math's class. James, you were there, i knew you'd do well even though you never worked, like in Biology A-level... It was intercut with a dream that i was at a rich girl's house at Christmas time and we were planning on a night out but it was already 4:30 am so i was starting to lose interest... she was off to rent a house in a really rich area of town and her mum was paying. I felt like a right scumbag around her. there were loads of cotton wool snowmen everywhere that i threw in the bin then had to remove and meticulously arrange again...

anyway sorry i know other people's dreams are a real arse-ache, unfortunately my dreams are so long and vivid and fucking exhausting every night that they distract me all day.
the math's exam as well is so unlike me, it's such a classic that i am sure it must tell me something.

I was very upset by events on Springwatch last night. I realised in one acute moment how totally out of touch i am with the real world, there was a story of a little bird who was brooding her chicks, you can watch it on a little camera in the nesting box. Tuesday the mum bird was being a bit mad and disappearing for ages so the chicks were getting cold, then she was trying to feed them but as they were cold they couldn't open their gobs really wide like chicks are meant to. One died and one was weak, the other seemed okay. when they returned to it last night i was just so so totally and utterly convinced that it would all work out okay, because it was on television! because there's always a last minute reprieve, or the camera man would intervene and warm the birds in his pocket or the mum would suddenly sort-it out.

It just did not occur to me that it was just trundle on as it was and inevitably the chicks would all die and the mum would be confused and it would be as bad as could be and yet, of course, that's exactly what happened.
I was pretty upset, i mean, why would telly show me that? why the hell wasn't there a happy ending? why didn't they intervene? Simon says cause it is nature, but there's nothing natural about everyone in the country watching it on a box so i think intervene. things always die if they're left alone so the whole point of you seeing it is you can help. yes. that is what i think. I am very immature when it comes to animals, i find their suffering literally unbearable, when i see little lambs or sheep or anything and i know why they're there i just want to collapse and die...

Talking of animals, Frida and Marie are booked into the Bunny hotel for our stay in France, they will be dropped off in Barnsley and stay in a hutch for the 2 weeks with the best bunny care available, we went and looked at the place and it's lovely, a purpose-built bunny cottage!!

let's see. not much else is new, the usual saga at Armley pool the lanes were removed yesterday and it was utter chaos, i was kicked in the stomach and caressed on the leg, i had to to a caricature-outrage look the whole time and was pretty close to, you know, saying something, although of course i didn't! I just stomped back to the 'changing village' in disgust 15 minutes before my allotted swim was up.

anyways, that's me. more soon!