going summer mad

Yes,
the rumour is true. I seem to be going mad.
My dreams have become more exhausting than ever, the worst part being that they are endlessly trawling through past memories and experiences, featuring people who I don't see any more, or don't see enough, featuring holidays and getting drunk and mainly me as a younger person, the person I was maybe 5 years ago? Which is the person that I am still scared of being, but also the person that I am drawn to and dwell on. I know now that I have a very self-destructive streak, it's not something I ever dared think about when I was younger but if things get hard my first instinct is always to get drunk and/ or to run away, my first thoughts are always self-loathing.
I don't know why I think about this period of my life so much, it was the worst time of my life, I can say that objectively. I had no idea what I was doing, I was behaving incredibly self-destructively with no regard at all for myself or for my mental state. I think it is that that I find so attractive sometimes, I feel now like I am settled, like any sort of wild behaviour is behind me, I sometimes miss the drama of it and also I miss the fact that when you are doing awful stuff and people are being shitty to you, you have an excuse all the time to behave however you like. Feeling depressed can be liberating because you stop caring about how people think towards you and you stop caring about how you behave and what the consequences might be.

5 years ago I was unhappy, I was unhappy non stop for 2 years. Well, seriously depressed. I slept awfully. I ate rarely, I drank a lot, i behaved recklessly in every way. I felt lonely. I stopped feeling the comfort of my family, the thing that had always cushioned me. I stopped wearing a seatbelt, I didn't care what happened to me. I probably pushed people away, I certainly had less interest in other people. Except the ones who I knew would be cruel to me of course!

My friend is getting married tomorrow, 2 more are engaged and now my oldest best friend Joe is engaged too. I expect that is what has brought on this backward looking. I am not engaged, nor do I have children, both of which I wanted by now. I have a low-level job. I commute 2 hours a day, which is something i never wanted. I am 2 dress sizes larger than 5 years ago, probably 3 really. I still suffer from occasional depression but that will always be there. I still have anxiety, right now I can't breathe well and my legs never stop tapping! I don't exercise enough, I don't feel like I have the time.

The thing is, I love reading and I read a lot, I have really re-discovered how much that can affect your life. I love going to RSPB places with simon and looking through binoculars trying to spot a puffin. I love the fact that I have made friends in Wakey, the relaxing kind of friend who doesn't want anything from you except to chat and laugh,  no games. I know I am calmer now. I know that that phase of my life was bad, I think of that person and I feel really sorry for her, getting battered by everything. I am doing an MA I am even excited about the prospect of becoming a librarian, I could work in an history library! or a classics library, I could actually have a career-!
I AM still drawing, and although I am not famous (yet) I still do it, that is the point. I work hard at my mental health as well, I know how hard it was to climb out of being miserable and lost and I know how strong I must have been to do it so I won't risk it again, not on anyone.

So that's that. I felt shit this morning. Now i feel better, because things ARE better and they are getting better. So there you go. You thought I was incapable of being positive.

On another note, Marie and Frida are well and looking forward to their stay in the Barnsley Bunny hotel. I have requested carpet instead of sawdust floor and curtain for privacy! I am SO excited about france, i dreamed last night everyone dropped out. I can't believe we are actually going on holiday!!!! Not to downgrade our holiday last year to my grandma's who I love, but my uncle is living there now and let's just say, that ain't so relaxed...............very worried about Grandpa who is in a bloody southern cross care home. hoping desperately things won't change because it is actually a good one.
reading really interesting book of inpatients at Bedlam, just case notes, they all seem to have the same thing, the men all have delusions of grandeur. I think they all have syphilis...there's a lot of removing of clothes and parading around as well...men never change do they?

off to cambridge tonight, Helen's wedding tomorrow I am very excited and think I will cry a lot. wearing a dress of grandma's slightly adjusted for my ampler bosom. mostly looking forward to a relaxing fri night and pizza party with mum and dad.

bye for now!