ps.

i don't know why something saying 'funny interesting cool' has appeared at the bottom. It doesn't give much choice does it??? there's no 'bollocks, disagree wholeheartedly, or marry me' options? feel free to add your own!

recycling my anger..again...and again..

ok, so, I need to talk about recycling. NAMELY why are people so THICK at doing it?

I must first state that I am as cynical as the next person when it comes to recycling, I am lower-middle class so of course I do it instinctively, like a robot, I carry my bottles &c. home to ensure that they are recycled, I flinch when I put wads of computer paper in the bin at work as they don't do recycling, I even used to save it all at my last job, out the bin, off the floor and bundle it down to the local recycling bin on my bike. BUT I know really that it doesn't do anything, I know they just secretly send it all to china on giant cargo boats where they set it on fire or put it in some landfill, probably demolishing people's houses on the way... yes i have a pencil that says 'i used to be a plastic cup' but if using ALL our recycling was normal then they wouldn't need to write it on the 2 or 3 expensive things that have utilised it, and we wouldn't find it so unusual and groovy that we part with £1.50 for a pencil.

Living with my parents recycling was a big thing. I got used to it. I ordered extra bins due to the unusual levels of waste we all created, I knew when they went out, I tutted at the poor grasp that many neighbours had of recycling- leaving the lids on bottles (tut!) not even RINSING their jars and tINS?!! (TUTT tutt) I learned the complexity of the fact that PAPER can't go in with garden waste and cardboard BUT SHREDDED paper no longer counts as paper and MUST be placed with the garden waste at all costs. Wrapping paper is a no-go. Yes, the bins were left behind for all manner of reasons but i learned their ways and it ticked along okay.

Here in wakey things are very different. MIX it all up is the word. No separation of glass and plastic, paper and card, it points even further to my landfill theory 'naa don't bother separating it, it's going on landfill anyway'.

ANYWAY this recycling tirade was triggered yesterday when on my way home I saw a green bin with a yellow 'we can't take this' tag on it, as I got nearer I realised that this was because the owner of the (pretty posh) house had put a tree stump with about 3/4 m of tree attached to it in the bin, poking out. It probably weighed about 8 stones. Here where I live, people just get all the stuff that they don't need anymore, i say stuff, i mean crap, and shove it in the recycling bin, a metal lamp is broken? counts as a tin doesn't it? broken china? that's like glass yeah? seriously, loads and loads of house clearing is just shoved into the little green box, it is so arrogant, the assumption that the bin men are there to deal with EVERYTHING you don't want to think about. it makes me cross.

It's like when people give all their old shit useless stuff to charity because they can't be fucked to go down to the tip. Who are these bastards? I would have them branded-they remind me of my familiar old bugbear of people who finish something than put it back in the cupboard, or even worse than that, leave such a teeny tiny amount of milk or rice or whatever that it is rendered USELESS. It's more of a smack in the face than the empty packet-'i know, i'll leave one sheet of loo roll, that little half-snag on the bare cardboard tube, then i don't have to bother replacing it'

I've got your number you people. You takers.

At uni we used to fantasise about getting all the crap that the messy people we lived with left and spreading it all over their room, hiding it peeping out of drawers and stuff, the 6-day old gravy from the living room splashed across their laptop, the pan of experimental cooking that they did two weeks ago superglued to their head in the night. These recycle/charity bastards can have the same treatment.

A tree stump in the bath with a note saying 'sorry you're too much of a cretin to deserve recycling, deal with this yourself cockface.'

photos of interest(or not)

Fun in Tesco, I enjoyed noticing, with some confusion, that Special Brew, Tenant's Super and Gold label were stored below Kaliber &c. in the LOW alcohol shelving area. Pretty cruel to struggling or reformed alcoholics I think... or just people who aren't very observant and end up pissed up after one gold label thinking it was alcohol free.I also noticed these JAMAICAN oats. Man, that boy really represents Jamaica doesn't he? Or has the brand not changed since 1850? EAT MY WHITE MAN'S OATS! Plus more importantly, the boy is fucking TERRIFYING.
This is round the corner from my studios, an old arcade which shut down a few months ago. This discarded sign is amazing! made me laugh when I saw it! IN fact the selection of stuff in this window looks like it was carefully chosen and arranged for the fucking Turner Prize! YES art is REAL everyone... the norf is so bloody grimm, ra r raaarraaa! I'm from Cambridge, gimmie break!
Frida (left) and Marie, Marie is grooming here. As you can see, we got rid of the top of the cage after 1 day and they basically dictate the house rules to us. It's good though cause it means i can say 'FFFRREEEEDDUUUMMMMM' like melly gibson in Braveheart all the time (worth getting the bunnies for that reason alone!)
Chloe's bunny Dot who came to stay last week and cause havoc to say the least, namely, she can scale ANY height through using objects in the room as giant stairs, she managed by this devour a load of our plants, lovingly grown from seed, gone in a blink, which worried us too in case they were poisonous... (she ate a nice arraay of holes in the blow-up bed too, we never saw it coming.....)
She made her home on the windowsill, much like a cat, where she licked the window a lot and was generally pretty excited about everything. When we tried to use the wii and it didn't work, even after changing the batteries in the remote it dawned on us that dot had been on a rampage beneath the TV (which had been covered pretty thoroughly) by leaping onto the digibox and sliding down the bak of the shelf, she had eaten clean through the wii sensor and a lamp and halfway through EVERYTHING ELSE. It was a dark moment of realisation. You can't make a bunny understand, so you aren't even allowed to be pissed off with them, unlike a child.

I think she looks like a clingon?? she tickles your face with her whiskers which is a sensation SO tickly that it is unlike anything I've ever felt and leaves your facial nerves going mental for about a minute after.

She was confined to the hutch while unsupervised after this reign of terror.
My two little girls, they only love it under my bed, where they have been known to suddenly start tapping and bouncing at dawn, which doesn't go down great with simon... I can't leave them outside though, they look at me all sad!! here's their room, all the mod cons, teeny tent, massive exercise bike used as bedroom, simon's clothes sealed in by all their stuff thus rendered useless, dinner bowls and litter tray (rarely used).

So that's me for the day. Had CPR training this morning which I found Incredibly funny, amusing myself at every turn, not so much the other people. The jokes are endless, 'help, this woman's badly wounded, she's lost her arms and legs' not to mention lots of 'we've lost her'. Was a bit shocked to hear that if someone has been sick you can just not bother resuscitating them as it's a bit gross! OH the power of the human spirit.

back with a BANG

WOweee, the response about the return of the blog has been PHENOMENAL!!!

I am so moved and so honoured...without wanting to blow my own trumpet, such phrases as 'makes my day' and 'gives me a reason to get out of bed and face this miserable planet' have been used, with one respondee(word?is it? it should be) even comparing me to 'Chaucer, nay, Shakespeare'.
A Wakefield Shakespeare, A Wakey SHakey.


Well, I am sorry for deserting you to face this world alone, without a daily dose of me informing you that you are incorrect for enjoying and liking certain things, and generally bringing you down to my level of eyeballing the world around me and casting disdain on what I see.


Why did the blog die out? In a word: Unemployment.
When you are unemployed you don't tend to find anything very funny, and even more importantly you don't really see anyone. ever. There is a limited amount of humour to be had in the existence of waking up, falling asleep, waking up again, applying for jobs, never hearing back from jobs, and going to bed.
I tried to continue the blog in this vein for a while but it ended up being a massive depressive cry for help, which, let's face it, no one wants to read. Maybe someone weird who loves schadenfreude but that's all.

SO things are different these days

#1) I HAVE a job, yes, some say it could never happen, I said it mostly, but yes yes, someone took a chance on little old me, out of 150+ applicants I am told (yes, it is a simple boast, get over it) it was me, the library enthusiast, who won them over with my mega love of journals and my desire to constantly tidy the bookshelves and do repetitive jobs (i'm not joking, iLOVE all these things) and knowledge of Dewey Decimal and most importantly my craving to constantly share all these wonderful secret caverns of knowledge with others, thus spreading it all around, aaahhh, lovely articles, lovely books...lovely reading...lovely knowlEDge.


What else? #2) I have adopted two bunnies: Marie and Frida. They are a bit broken and bent but I love them and they sleep in my room with me and hop about and eat hay and all the normal things, they also do some not so normal things but I won't go into that at 11:56am. Anyways, I would highly recommend a house bunny, there are millions that need adopting as they breed like rabbits (AHAHA) and people seem not to have quite grasped this so they leave them all in a local rec/ car park or like mine they give them to some little kids who chuck em about. They are very funny, especially their ears and their stretching and yawning, also binkies (where they leap in the air and somersault) Marie looks quite like a little piglet which is also nice.


What else? #3) I am racing on with writing and illustrating my book, I reckon it'll be pretty good, I am telling myself that in order to squash all the little thoughts that are going 'don't bother!' it works quite well.

#4) the coalition is making me seriously eggy.

So, I have bought you, my readers, up to speed.
Mostly the blog is back because I am constantly in situations that are mental, especially now I commute, and I need to vent them. Not to mention the general venting that puffs about in my coffee-addled brain as I read about/ encounter fury inducing people or as I see cool and nice things (I do SOmetimes!)

So here's the boring intro blog to re-establish the blog, if you get me.


Not much to report today apart from that a girl with purple hair straightened her hair on the train next to me, which I felt to be a step too far, especially as she was constantly elbowing me in order to get good straightening angle, and not to mention that her hair was already so straight that she looked like she was wearing a medieval helmet.
It made me realise something though, for once, all these pristine girls that I always envy so much for being effortlessly immaculate, where, even when i try really really hard to look smart i still have a ladder in my tights and a moth hole in my cardigan and mascara brush my cheek but can't be arsed to wipe it off, and my ungainly nature means I'll never look smart anyway, well it made me realise that the effort that these pristine girls put in is pretty massive. Carrying straighteners and doing your hair AGAIN on the train, then all your make-up AGAIN even though it's fine, who can be arsed with that?! Is that attractive? Or is it a sign that she's quite nervous? Or very very vain? they're both pretty bad I reckon.

Other than that I just tried to drink and the bottle lid came off and now I am literally soaked.

Proper blog tomorrow. PEEEAACCEE out.

world cup!

Hello hello, many of you (one of you) have been begging me (asked me once in passing) to assemble a recommended schedule for the world cup events, complete with snack suggestions and booze ideas, well here it is, for what it is worth (little). I'll begin with the next few days. FRI 11/06 I shall be leaving work to watch the opening game today HOWEVER that is not an option for most of you suckers who are grafting away at work (apart from chloe who is lolling in the sun in France, thus rendering me a sucker too) BUT do not despair, for tonight is FRANCE v. Uruguay kick off at 19:30, for this me and rowey will be enjoying a lasagne and some varieties of squash, perhaps a cheeky beer but nothing outlandish, I recommend pasta and wine for all of you. SAT 12/06 3 MATCHES!!1230 North Korea Greece3pm Argentina Nigeria730 ingerland usa usa u-s-a Required: Lager, salty snacks, carbs, hot cheese(that one's for you liv) No1. BLATERS watch the Nigeria game, it's gonna get you all fired up and will be BRILL!!!!!!!!I would watch this with the following:cheese balls/ salt and vinegar chipsticks-pour into large bowl and stir with index finger, eat. sandwich of your choice, if you can get a submarine roll then this is ideal. Ingerland game For this we will be partaking in CHILLI, NACHOS (with all the trimmings) LAGER, we have gone with BECKS VIER, 12 cans of, we will also be having, at rowey's request, potato skins (i'm not sure what this entails) and there are Indian snacks and barley water with soda water. I may make a pizza...haven't decided...If you can't run to this level of cheese influx (you are an idiot) just have the nachos with trimmings and lager, and if you can't run to that, just have the lager.The Bunnies will be partaking of hay, as they have the runs again. Probably nerves about the england game. Finally for today, Sundaya further THREE matches, Algeria Slovenia, Serbia Ghana, Germany Australia. Have a fry up. Make sure you watch Ghana, they are the BESTEST. Dinner? Snacks? Lots of TOAST, chocolate milk and homemade Nandos. catch you on the flipside, your worldcup correspondant Rose H

blossom snow

wow, gordon brown calling someone a bigot, it kind of makes me like him more, at least he has passionate views...

went into town today to get some stuff for baking, as always you decide to bake something cause you can't afford a present and it ends up costing shit loads more to buy the ingredients.

wakey was looking really beautiful as i walked in. I sat in the churchyard nearby and blossom absolutely rained down on me smelling like total perfume.

I've watched the seasons change so carefully and in such detail these last months, i guess cause i'm not cycling, or working! everytime a new thing happens it happens so suddenly, the crocuses, the daffodils and now the blossom! and each time i think it's the one i love the most! The blossom is so perfumed and so varied, and so soft and fluffy to look at!

Unfortunately there was some sort of impromptu and i fear, completely invented by little teenagers, pagan ritual or something, a collection of bracelets and loads and loads of really heavy jade and marble chess pieces, lots of them smashed. I walked around and picked them up, spotting them in the grass, just in case they belonged to the church and someone had just been having and extremely impassioned, and violent, game of chess...

I accidentally walked off holding one, cause it was so heavy and cold and felt nice. This led me to believe that I must return it as it may be bad luck, so I returned it at the end of the day on my way home. God, I am so superstitious, it makes no sense. My counsellor once told me that superstition is a form of narcissism, like you always think everything is about stuff happening to you, and your actions are important enough to bend the fibre of the world and cause events, pretty good point actually...!!

went to the pound shop, there's 5 that i can think of, 2 have shut down since the recession, i favour poundland, but the new one that i went in today is giving it a run for its money! I bought a wicked melamine cup in there today! woo hoo!

There was a boy about 2 walking with his mum and a pram, saying over and over again 'i want a gun, i want guns' when we all shuffled round to the toy gun area together there was a man saying to his son, 'do you want that rifle? do ya?' and the son of course saying yes! then my little boy said 'gun, gun i want a gun' a bit more and the ma said 'nooo, you've got loads of guns at granddads' but caved in anyway. I also heard him say 'i want knives'. i think granddad is a bad influence...

off on another grand british tour this weekend, going to burton with simon, then on to cambridge,then london on sat night then down to dorset for bank holiday and grandma's 86th! literally can't WAIT we're going to Portland, the island off Weymouth, MAJOR Harries heartland and where my granny was posted during the war, operating the searchlights and stuff and cohorting with handsome soldiers...none could ever have been as handsome as my grandpa though, he truly was a beautiful man, and part of a set of good twin/ bad twin twins too! even better!! anyway, we shall be in the Lobster Pot celebrating the majesty that is my grandma, and I am very very happy and proud that she is.

not to mention dad says they have the best chips in the world... although he did try to climb Portland Rock (look it up, it's no mean feat!) last month and have to be rescued by Spanish tourists...oh dad...

so that's me. Baking Simon a Butterscotch Banana cake with the old bananas, ready to make broccoli soup and relax as my back hurts.

Can't drink booze or anything fizzy or consume any acid for indefinite period so that sucks, however having health back is so sweet I wouldn't care if i could only eat crackers ( I definitely would) see now i feel like that's asking for trouble saying that, jinxing it,

bloody narcissist i am...

back again

well look who it ain't, long time no see eh? I have a had a very strange and fast few weeks.

The top picture was a present from my dad, no greater love can a father show his daughter than buying her the extra strong long brewed marmite in a limited edition display box (not pictured-torn off by aforementioned father).

It was last monday morning that I noticed this marmite situation in my cupboard, ie. lots of marmite. it made me happy. James, you might want to get on a train down here, we could have our'sel's a marmite FEAST!

NB the filthiness of the cupboard is not to be commented upon :)

On monday night i was afflicted by some sort of Alien-style stomach pain and all that goes with it, to cut a long story short today is the first time i have ventured forth from my flat since last monday, bar an almost death-defying visit to the doctor's on thursday. Still not sure what it was, flu or a virus or a bug, but whatever it was it nearly defeated me and defeated my will to fight it many maaany times. Being confined to the bed and at the mercy of bizarre bodily functions is a very strange thing, it really felt like undergoing an epic journey. sometimes i was doing a bit better, then something comes out of nowhere and knocks you back. What do you mean I am being dramatic??! seriously, i did learn NOT to talk lightly about being ill, that really was a special kind of ill...

Saw the BNP party political broadcast today by mistake, it was even more outrageous than i ever would have dared to guess. The set up is a series of people (? I presume that they weren't actors, but real people as even out of work actors have some principles, bestiality porn is fine if you need a quick buck but fake BNP supporter is a step too far) builder (no way?!) ex-policeman in front of war memorial (you don't say? him? bnp? no way?) random girl, oaps and so on, reciting in the MOST unbelievably wooden way ever committed to film EVER, their own bits of script based,presumably on the bnp's teeny election manifesto, oh i forget to mention, there's also an upstanding sikh gentleman explaining that he supports the bnp because he likes to look after his own so why shouldn't they (not a valid reason!) and not mentioning the fact that he is only a member of the party due to a court ruling, it's like turning up to a party where you aren't invited and no one wants you but arguing so long on the doorstep with the host that they let you in, you still aren't welcome.

the whole debacle ends with dick, i beg your pardon nick, griffin at a desk in what looks like a museum (? borrowed maybe?) in front of a cabinet of medals (??) and a portrait of winston churchill while the music crescendos to such a deafening volume that you can't quite hear his snivelling little voice explaining that the bnp is simply the TRUTH and that's why no one in westminster likes him, cause they can't handle his TROOF, not because he is friends with the ku klux klan and potentially the single thickest person regarding the history of Britain who exists, including all the people in far-reaching tribes and slums who have never even heard of Britain.

Which brings us back to marmite. I was appalled to see a BNP ad using marmite last week while in the throes of a fever and put it down to a hallucination induced by having no fluid left in any of my brain cells. Marmite? marmite represents everything i believe in! good, honest, values, the breakfast of everyday heroes, the breakfast for EVERYONE, made from beer run off, using waste, giving you B vitamins, the most important vitamins (probably) my Mate, literally. The working persons BREW. what were they doing? colluding with these ignorant menfolk BASTARDS? these HATERS of all those who are good and hard working and trying their best and starting their days with marmite to make them happy?

turns out the bnp just used marmite in their adverts without any permission or anything, as if no one would say anything (unbelievable?!they're thicker than if little children set up a political party, how about marmite? they've got a good slogan? yeah, just use it then, no one will mind. ?!) anyway. thir getting massively sued now (No way? sued for using a product in a political campaign with no permission? it's political correctness gone mad).

seems the marmite slogan is the best that they could come up with, after all this time. and simply shoving a marmite jar, revolving in the corner of the screen was the most inventive and metaphorical way of using it that they could come up with. it's sad really.