not much

Friday. good old friday. Friday is the day that I buy the Wakey Express and sit in Costa with a frescato. It's my treat of the week! cannae wait!! Must know the wakey news... who's been in court, the verdicts, what's going on round and about, who's been stabbing who, you know, i'm all involved and that. Obviously the letters page is best, I'll treat you to some next week

Been working hard today.
My AVON selling has already taken its first blow (did i mention i'm selling avon? well, trying to as of this weekend) there's someone on my territory......in my block of flats!she's spread her wares all over the foyer!! ARGH! it's kicking off!! battle of the avon ladies!! stab, stab with an extra curling lash mascara, now BLINDED with a puff of compacted foundation! drowned in a sea of lavender shower scrub... you know the score. it ai't gonna be pretty. but it will smell nice.

Reading the Metro on the way to work as always (although I really try to avoid it and read my book cause i hate it) I read a story about a lady in GEorgia who claims to be 130, the metro clearly don't believe her, i can see their point, she would have had her last child naturally, aged 60-hmmm, but still, printing a picture of her gaunt old face behind a birthday cake which she looks as though she can't even SEE then writing 'well this lady clllaaaimms to be 130' in a sarcastic way is a bit mean. She probably is 130 to be honest, she looks like a real hard nut Russian, all her kids starved to death in WW2. She retired in 1965 when she was 85!!! It's mindblowing. she's older by almost a decade than my great-grandparents. She would have been nearly 40 when WW1 ended!! I can't get my head around that at all...

what else...


Some old man in China has cursed his prize flowers 'you will see a death in your family every time these flowers bloom' if anyone nicks them. Bloody hell.

There's a kestrel with a pink plaster cast on its leg. Not very dignified is it?
A picture of Cristian Ronaldo in his pants- are you KIDDING me that people think he is straight? he is camper than glastonbury.
Lindsay Lohan says her human rights have been violated. I don't really know why she's famous? I'd override her human rights if i saw her (by punching her in the mush).

that's the Metro for my my readers. Not much to say today you may have noticed.

gonna head off for my coffee and paper then back to the studio for podcasts and drawing.

The bunnies have forgiven me for blocking up the underneath of the bed, i thought they never would, but they were in fine fettle yesterday, bring out the curly Kale and they 're anyones!
anyway, fuck this for a laugh, i'm off!

Proper blog monday, my anger is not high enough on friday!
bon weekend!

i laugh too much.

tonights blog is presented to you by........................................

TRAFFIC COPS!

the script of traffic cops is a work of art.

Why do people want to watch traffic cops? it's horrible. and really boring. This one policeman is rubbing his hands together saying 'i LOOOOVVE seizing cars! I LOVE IT!' it's not going to do anything for public relations is it?

some lines so far that I have particularly enjoyed:

'... capturing unlicensed vehicles is like shelling peas...'

'... the officers have happened upon a tea party..(cut to shot of pitiable gurning old man drinking tenants Super) but it's not brown sugar they're putting in their tea. It's heroin.'

then, only about a second after the first drugs/ tea party analogy:

'....a quantity of white stuff has been found in the kitchen..... but it's nothing used for cooking with...'

OK now it has got fucking ridiculous. Two police in a patrol car are racing into the town centre responding to a really distressed 999 call from a member of the public reporting something suspicious. The officer calmly tells us that there are reports of a 'turnip with eyes' (i'm not joking, it's on i player) and they have to investigate it as it may be something to do with TERRORISM or an ALIEN!!

he goes on to say that they approached slowly and cautiously, checking it was safe.

It was a South Park 'Kenny' doll. they ad the siren on for that. I trusted the police more than most people and even I don't now.

The same serious man tells us a second later about two women who got lost dog-walking and called the police and we're 'really scared and surrounded by cows.'

talk about bring back '999' with michael buerk!

Everyone my age still has the 999 voice over in their head when they are doing something precarious, remember the shit actors who played the victim? then there'd be the injured person in a room going 'i was just taking a short cut past some rapids, over a metal railing...'

'suddenly it started raining and the fog came down... but i thought i'd better push on...'

you get the picture.

I do think i need to tone down my stupid mouth. I made a joke at work today and got slightly berated then felt silly cause i knew it was the wrong audience and i need be careful around people who don't know me and know that i am good and right on. I was invited to the town library for a 'meeting' which was really for some heavy lifting, while moving one of the psychiatric journals i pointed at the cover which was covered in cartoon smiley faces (my thought process here was simply how ridiculous it was to cover a mental health magazine in smiley faces-not to mention that i have so much contact with mental illness (in my own brain and in most people's brains i know) that i feel quite relaxed laughing about it) so i pointed to it and said 'huhuhuh look, look "I'm laughing because I'm mad" hahaha' to which i was quickly told, 'yeah, well that isn't appropriate' So now i am probably viewed with suspicion as someone who hates anyone with mental illness when i am the oPPOSITE!

I'm still laughing everytime i think about my joke. it was my best one in ages.

I literally am laughing cause i'm mad!

ps.

i don't know why something saying 'funny interesting cool' has appeared at the bottom. It doesn't give much choice does it??? there's no 'bollocks, disagree wholeheartedly, or marry me' options? feel free to add your own!

recycling my anger..again...and again..

ok, so, I need to talk about recycling. NAMELY why are people so THICK at doing it?

I must first state that I am as cynical as the next person when it comes to recycling, I am lower-middle class so of course I do it instinctively, like a robot, I carry my bottles &c. home to ensure that they are recycled, I flinch when I put wads of computer paper in the bin at work as they don't do recycling, I even used to save it all at my last job, out the bin, off the floor and bundle it down to the local recycling bin on my bike. BUT I know really that it doesn't do anything, I know they just secretly send it all to china on giant cargo boats where they set it on fire or put it in some landfill, probably demolishing people's houses on the way... yes i have a pencil that says 'i used to be a plastic cup' but if using ALL our recycling was normal then they wouldn't need to write it on the 2 or 3 expensive things that have utilised it, and we wouldn't find it so unusual and groovy that we part with £1.50 for a pencil.

Living with my parents recycling was a big thing. I got used to it. I ordered extra bins due to the unusual levels of waste we all created, I knew when they went out, I tutted at the poor grasp that many neighbours had of recycling- leaving the lids on bottles (tut!) not even RINSING their jars and tINS?!! (TUTT tutt) I learned the complexity of the fact that PAPER can't go in with garden waste and cardboard BUT SHREDDED paper no longer counts as paper and MUST be placed with the garden waste at all costs. Wrapping paper is a no-go. Yes, the bins were left behind for all manner of reasons but i learned their ways and it ticked along okay.

Here in wakey things are very different. MIX it all up is the word. No separation of glass and plastic, paper and card, it points even further to my landfill theory 'naa don't bother separating it, it's going on landfill anyway'.

ANYWAY this recycling tirade was triggered yesterday when on my way home I saw a green bin with a yellow 'we can't take this' tag on it, as I got nearer I realised that this was because the owner of the (pretty posh) house had put a tree stump with about 3/4 m of tree attached to it in the bin, poking out. It probably weighed about 8 stones. Here where I live, people just get all the stuff that they don't need anymore, i say stuff, i mean crap, and shove it in the recycling bin, a metal lamp is broken? counts as a tin doesn't it? broken china? that's like glass yeah? seriously, loads and loads of house clearing is just shoved into the little green box, it is so arrogant, the assumption that the bin men are there to deal with EVERYTHING you don't want to think about. it makes me cross.

It's like when people give all their old shit useless stuff to charity because they can't be fucked to go down to the tip. Who are these bastards? I would have them branded-they remind me of my familiar old bugbear of people who finish something than put it back in the cupboard, or even worse than that, leave such a teeny tiny amount of milk or rice or whatever that it is rendered USELESS. It's more of a smack in the face than the empty packet-'i know, i'll leave one sheet of loo roll, that little half-snag on the bare cardboard tube, then i don't have to bother replacing it'

I've got your number you people. You takers.

At uni we used to fantasise about getting all the crap that the messy people we lived with left and spreading it all over their room, hiding it peeping out of drawers and stuff, the 6-day old gravy from the living room splashed across their laptop, the pan of experimental cooking that they did two weeks ago superglued to their head in the night. These recycle/charity bastards can have the same treatment.

A tree stump in the bath with a note saying 'sorry you're too much of a cretin to deserve recycling, deal with this yourself cockface.'

photos of interest(or not)

Fun in Tesco, I enjoyed noticing, with some confusion, that Special Brew, Tenant's Super and Gold label were stored below Kaliber &c. in the LOW alcohol shelving area. Pretty cruel to struggling or reformed alcoholics I think... or just people who aren't very observant and end up pissed up after one gold label thinking it was alcohol free.I also noticed these JAMAICAN oats. Man, that boy really represents Jamaica doesn't he? Or has the brand not changed since 1850? EAT MY WHITE MAN'S OATS! Plus more importantly, the boy is fucking TERRIFYING.
This is round the corner from my studios, an old arcade which shut down a few months ago. This discarded sign is amazing! made me laugh when I saw it! IN fact the selection of stuff in this window looks like it was carefully chosen and arranged for the fucking Turner Prize! YES art is REAL everyone... the norf is so bloody grimm, ra r raaarraaa! I'm from Cambridge, gimmie break!
Frida (left) and Marie, Marie is grooming here. As you can see, we got rid of the top of the cage after 1 day and they basically dictate the house rules to us. It's good though cause it means i can say 'FFFRREEEEDDUUUMMMMM' like melly gibson in Braveheart all the time (worth getting the bunnies for that reason alone!)
Chloe's bunny Dot who came to stay last week and cause havoc to say the least, namely, she can scale ANY height through using objects in the room as giant stairs, she managed by this devour a load of our plants, lovingly grown from seed, gone in a blink, which worried us too in case they were poisonous... (she ate a nice arraay of holes in the blow-up bed too, we never saw it coming.....)
She made her home on the windowsill, much like a cat, where she licked the window a lot and was generally pretty excited about everything. When we tried to use the wii and it didn't work, even after changing the batteries in the remote it dawned on us that dot had been on a rampage beneath the TV (which had been covered pretty thoroughly) by leaping onto the digibox and sliding down the bak of the shelf, she had eaten clean through the wii sensor and a lamp and halfway through EVERYTHING ELSE. It was a dark moment of realisation. You can't make a bunny understand, so you aren't even allowed to be pissed off with them, unlike a child.

I think she looks like a clingon?? she tickles your face with her whiskers which is a sensation SO tickly that it is unlike anything I've ever felt and leaves your facial nerves going mental for about a minute after.

She was confined to the hutch while unsupervised after this reign of terror.
My two little girls, they only love it under my bed, where they have been known to suddenly start tapping and bouncing at dawn, which doesn't go down great with simon... I can't leave them outside though, they look at me all sad!! here's their room, all the mod cons, teeny tent, massive exercise bike used as bedroom, simon's clothes sealed in by all their stuff thus rendered useless, dinner bowls and litter tray (rarely used).

So that's me for the day. Had CPR training this morning which I found Incredibly funny, amusing myself at every turn, not so much the other people. The jokes are endless, 'help, this woman's badly wounded, she's lost her arms and legs' not to mention lots of 'we've lost her'. Was a bit shocked to hear that if someone has been sick you can just not bother resuscitating them as it's a bit gross! OH the power of the human spirit.

back with a BANG

WOweee, the response about the return of the blog has been PHENOMENAL!!!

I am so moved and so honoured...without wanting to blow my own trumpet, such phrases as 'makes my day' and 'gives me a reason to get out of bed and face this miserable planet' have been used, with one respondee(word?is it? it should be) even comparing me to 'Chaucer, nay, Shakespeare'.
A Wakefield Shakespeare, A Wakey SHakey.


Well, I am sorry for deserting you to face this world alone, without a daily dose of me informing you that you are incorrect for enjoying and liking certain things, and generally bringing you down to my level of eyeballing the world around me and casting disdain on what I see.


Why did the blog die out? In a word: Unemployment.
When you are unemployed you don't tend to find anything very funny, and even more importantly you don't really see anyone. ever. There is a limited amount of humour to be had in the existence of waking up, falling asleep, waking up again, applying for jobs, never hearing back from jobs, and going to bed.
I tried to continue the blog in this vein for a while but it ended up being a massive depressive cry for help, which, let's face it, no one wants to read. Maybe someone weird who loves schadenfreude but that's all.

SO things are different these days

#1) I HAVE a job, yes, some say it could never happen, I said it mostly, but yes yes, someone took a chance on little old me, out of 150+ applicants I am told (yes, it is a simple boast, get over it) it was me, the library enthusiast, who won them over with my mega love of journals and my desire to constantly tidy the bookshelves and do repetitive jobs (i'm not joking, iLOVE all these things) and knowledge of Dewey Decimal and most importantly my craving to constantly share all these wonderful secret caverns of knowledge with others, thus spreading it all around, aaahhh, lovely articles, lovely books...lovely reading...lovely knowlEDge.


What else? #2) I have adopted two bunnies: Marie and Frida. They are a bit broken and bent but I love them and they sleep in my room with me and hop about and eat hay and all the normal things, they also do some not so normal things but I won't go into that at 11:56am. Anyways, I would highly recommend a house bunny, there are millions that need adopting as they breed like rabbits (AHAHA) and people seem not to have quite grasped this so they leave them all in a local rec/ car park or like mine they give them to some little kids who chuck em about. They are very funny, especially their ears and their stretching and yawning, also binkies (where they leap in the air and somersault) Marie looks quite like a little piglet which is also nice.


What else? #3) I am racing on with writing and illustrating my book, I reckon it'll be pretty good, I am telling myself that in order to squash all the little thoughts that are going 'don't bother!' it works quite well.

#4) the coalition is making me seriously eggy.

So, I have bought you, my readers, up to speed.
Mostly the blog is back because I am constantly in situations that are mental, especially now I commute, and I need to vent them. Not to mention the general venting that puffs about in my coffee-addled brain as I read about/ encounter fury inducing people or as I see cool and nice things (I do SOmetimes!)

So here's the boring intro blog to re-establish the blog, if you get me.


Not much to report today apart from that a girl with purple hair straightened her hair on the train next to me, which I felt to be a step too far, especially as she was constantly elbowing me in order to get good straightening angle, and not to mention that her hair was already so straight that she looked like she was wearing a medieval helmet.
It made me realise something though, for once, all these pristine girls that I always envy so much for being effortlessly immaculate, where, even when i try really really hard to look smart i still have a ladder in my tights and a moth hole in my cardigan and mascara brush my cheek but can't be arsed to wipe it off, and my ungainly nature means I'll never look smart anyway, well it made me realise that the effort that these pristine girls put in is pretty massive. Carrying straighteners and doing your hair AGAIN on the train, then all your make-up AGAIN even though it's fine, who can be arsed with that?! Is that attractive? Or is it a sign that she's quite nervous? Or very very vain? they're both pretty bad I reckon.

Other than that I just tried to drink and the bottle lid came off and now I am literally soaked.

Proper blog tomorrow. PEEEAACCEE out.

world cup!

Hello hello, many of you (one of you) have been begging me (asked me once in passing) to assemble a recommended schedule for the world cup events, complete with snack suggestions and booze ideas, well here it is, for what it is worth (little). I'll begin with the next few days. FRI 11/06 I shall be leaving work to watch the opening game today HOWEVER that is not an option for most of you suckers who are grafting away at work (apart from chloe who is lolling in the sun in France, thus rendering me a sucker too) BUT do not despair, for tonight is FRANCE v. Uruguay kick off at 19:30, for this me and rowey will be enjoying a lasagne and some varieties of squash, perhaps a cheeky beer but nothing outlandish, I recommend pasta and wine for all of you. SAT 12/06 3 MATCHES!!1230 North Korea Greece3pm Argentina Nigeria730 ingerland usa usa u-s-a Required: Lager, salty snacks, carbs, hot cheese(that one's for you liv) No1. BLATERS watch the Nigeria game, it's gonna get you all fired up and will be BRILL!!!!!!!!I would watch this with the following:cheese balls/ salt and vinegar chipsticks-pour into large bowl and stir with index finger, eat. sandwich of your choice, if you can get a submarine roll then this is ideal. Ingerland game For this we will be partaking in CHILLI, NACHOS (with all the trimmings) LAGER, we have gone with BECKS VIER, 12 cans of, we will also be having, at rowey's request, potato skins (i'm not sure what this entails) and there are Indian snacks and barley water with soda water. I may make a pizza...haven't decided...If you can't run to this level of cheese influx (you are an idiot) just have the nachos with trimmings and lager, and if you can't run to that, just have the lager.The Bunnies will be partaking of hay, as they have the runs again. Probably nerves about the england game. Finally for today, Sundaya further THREE matches, Algeria Slovenia, Serbia Ghana, Germany Australia. Have a fry up. Make sure you watch Ghana, they are the BESTEST. Dinner? Snacks? Lots of TOAST, chocolate milk and homemade Nandos. catch you on the flipside, your worldcup correspondant Rose H