I'M (someone with a mashed up) BACK!

hey y'all, I'm back, i wish i could say the same for my back. 

So the procedure happened, with slight shock and trauma, and a certain element of accidental blood pouring from my hand and lots of electricity zapping my nerves, and a sweet oxygen pipe to keep me awake.

I'm experiencing sensations of electric pain and lots of other crazy pain. I'm gonna go to the Mr. Dr tomorrow and see if i can wangle some Valium from him... ;)

The grogginess of the pills is the worst thing, like when you're typing and you look down at your hands and you don't recognise that you are instructing them to move, like they're someone else's hands...hmmm

On the plus side, you feel slightly pissed so you care about stuff a bit less! Plus I think my haggard, pain filled, old lady demeanour is scaring the kids a bit, i only needed to growl at them to cease their card game today and they scurried off with barely a word, only about 5 swearwords... 

There was a brilliant bit on this week's Orang-utan diaries (I hope you're all watching it, it's on iplayer if not) where an Orang-utan picks up a big stick and brings it down over his head to smack a makak monkey who's giving him jip. I can't stop thinking about it! The poetry of it.

I went for a walk in the park yesterday (see pics), it was periodically sunny and I thought I should test my walking out, after being bedridden for  a few days. I was listening to The Mayor of Casterbridge, from my superb penguin audio books series that I won offa ebay (bloody great).

I fed the ducks, 2 brown ends of a stale loaf, then two white (for pudding) despite the ever present dog contingent who are always yapping all around the water with their stupid owners, scaring the ducks. 

Then I mulled about walking slowly cause of my bad back, in my red wellies, listening to my storybook, occasionally even sitting down and closing my eyes,  it was that pure pleasure that you feel very rarely in life, of being entirely unselfconscious. 

How nice it would be to work less, and to have the drive to make more of free time. One problem is that the pleasure factor that can be derived from a day off when everyone else is at work/school, is so much higher than at the weekend. For example, going to the cinema, alone, during a weekday afternoon is near to the top of my list of favourite pastimes. It is far more enjoyable than going in the evening or at the weekend. 

Another problem is that by the evening, after a day at work, you are invariably far to shagged out to want to do ANYTHING. Even when I have a long standing arrangement that I'm looking forward to, by the time it comes around, whatever it is, meeting someone for a drink, going away, cinema, anything, I am desperate not to go, it converts itself to dread, I'll do anything just to go home as normal and go to bed. That is the curse of working. It steals the day and it saps the night too. It ain't right. Even the weekend is riddled with the guilt of 'oh I've been in bed all day', and 'i should really ra ra ra' when actually your body is going ' you need at least 20 hours of sleep, harry hill's tv burp, pizza and not to talk to ANYONE!' but at the same time, I want to see lots of exhibitions, I want to do lots of drawing, there's people that I want to visit, I want to go on a walk and to the cinema to see about 4 different film, then when I don't do ANY of them I feel guilty, and also I'm annoyed cause i do want to do them, so WHEEENN WHEN CAN I DO THEse things, when can i enjoy these pleasures that make life worth living?when when when?

Isn't it ridiculous?

Future generations will laugh at us for putting work so high up our agendas, rather than enjoying our lives more. I'm already laughing at myself! hahaha! you're an arse.

See, I shouldn't have been let outside for a stagger around the park on a school day, I've had a taste of sweet freedom, of sun when I normally only see fluorescent, and of flowers where I always see chewing gum, watch out the system, my brainwashed state has been shaken up, I'm feeling revolutionary...

Thursday.

I have been moaning a lot recently, and for that, I apologise. No one wants to read someone elses moans...I have had a tough 2 weeks, my crazy medicine does nae help, it makes me dead sleepy like.
Today I want to talk about something unbelievably happy. Now what shall that be...something happy....
It's too hard.
Tomorrow's the denervation http://www.wsh.nhs.uk/documents/PatientLeaflets/5358-1.pdf
I am slightly nervous, mainly because I have just noticed that your pain INCREASES for 3 f-ing months after!! what's the blinking point?

had more swearing in my face today, this time it was simply in the native chinese tongue, and he spat that I didn't understand it, just to confirm that, at least the other boy swore in english, so i had some concept of what was going on, chinese swearing just ain't fair. and he was looking me directly in the eye, so it may have been a curse.
I'm gonna start putting curses on people I think. Imagine the power, the mystery. I'll be 'that' old lady that puts curses on you, they'll mock me and jeer, but my god they'll be scared...

It is astounding how un-seriously they take exams here, there's blatant cheating, people literally come and go as they please, 25 minutes late, half an hour late, didn't make it cause i forgot what room it was in, you name it, anyting washes with them. How different from our exams. I'd be mighty pissed off if I was a student here who did give a bit of a shit, and maybe had done some revision, and then people were banging in and out all through the exam, and obviously cheating with teeny notelets and all the people were shouting and smoking out in the courtyard below.

anyway i'm off now. gotta get me strength for the electrocution tomorrow, and for the usual embarrassment of having ten men looking at my naked arse.
hopefully the blog will return to strength next week. i know it's been pretty poor lately, but so have my wits. soooozzz

let's end with a joke, c/o C.M. Harries:


what are the only type of bees that you can milk?





Boo-Bees!

FURY

Well, what's new? I hear you say, rose is filled with fury.

Well, this is new, in a word, it's a new level of fury, and it's only 10:15.

Ok, so now it's 10:29 and I am crying. that's what I have come to expect from my job.

Ok, now it's 10:58. I am not crying anymore which is good, but I am still breathing funny, like how you breathe when you are going to cry...

I hereby make a solemn pledge, I Rose Gaia Harries, shall never, ever work in a school again. I fucking hate teenagers. I hate these teenagers, they are badly raised and that is a fact.

I have found an ally here, who also hates this place and the lack of support that we receive. She recommends that I use the word harrassment when talking about the way the children behave toward me, she is right, it's a good word.

It's funny, cause if asked to describe why this job is so stressful, it would be hard to articulate it effectively, it is very strange to be so constantly treated with no respect whatsoever. To be sworn at and patronised and flatly ignored and to come beneath the people that you are supposed to be in charge of in terms of respect and power. You basically have to let someone shit all over you and then thank them, and apologise to them in front of a room of people. It's degrading.

I can not relate to these kids, they are rich, and they have no manners at all. Some of them do, but it really is the minority. Yes, lots of them don't speak great English, but I'm sure it's normal to learn the word 'thankyou' before the word 'shit' ? And they do live in England I mean it is kind of their duty to learn some basic polite word, 'please' 'hello', rather than stride up to the desk and stare at the floor and shout " CHESS! CHESS!" I mean, surely that's rude in every country?

I'm mature AND good at sport.

5th July 1995:

  '***** came in and goes to Alex and Claire 'Rose's sister reckons she's well hard' but she didn't say it to me cause she's scared I'll get my sister on her, I can tell.'

11th July 1995;

  'I HATE ***** SHES A bitch, dog, slag, slut, hoe, tart, minger, prozzy, punter ect. yesterday in science she thought she was hard by saying to me 'How bigs your weener then Rose?' I told her to 'fuck off' and David said I was better at sport and easily more mature than her. SO GUTTED YOU SAD TART! She goes 'no way' but no-one cares, ha! I went to play tennis again better go bye.'

(um, how did i learn the word 'punter' as an insult?!I definitely didn't know what it meant, either that or I'm accusing said person of a very dark, abstract cycle of being both a 'prozzy' and a 'punter', also, I am sure i made up that someone said 'rose is better at sport and more mature' who would say that?! what a weird response that'd be?!)

Bloody hell work is shit at the moment. gotta leave, it's shitter every day. Got so much abuse off another student today, they are so volatile, you ask them something, usually to stop doing something, and they respond so caustically, then you get eggy and it all spirals into something needless. gotta leave...

i know what i'll do, i have in mind to make a stew, i'm off to do that right now!

ps. i apologise for the recent shitness of the blog, i shall spend some proper time on it tomorrow, i'm too hungry now, and i get paid tomorrow s the misery may lift for 2 days!

more conspiracy theories...

Gosh, sorry about the rude diary entries, I made a jail break from work at 5pm on Friday with Marie and consumed some pints, it was great fun!
Went to Carluccio's for dinner on Saturday with this voucher that Marie kindly gave me, had a sweet meal, pretty crazy at the end though, there are three separate cubicle toilets for ladies, downstairs, one of which i was in, when i heard someone shouting, 'why are they locked? they're all f***ing locked??!!' which i dismissed to be two unfunny middle aged women who were all wine-d up, when i ascended the stairs though, the familiar shouty voice was there confronting the manageress and two Italian waiters, it was a lone-lady, clearly pissed and incredibly angry, she was shouting 'It's the Sicilian mafia!that's what it is! All the toilets, locked, it's the f***ing Sicilian MAFIA!' obviously I was gawping at it all, she then turned on her heel and rushed over to her table, and her companion, picked up her red wine and continued drinking, absolutely fuming.
This was in CAMBRIDGE, in CARLUCCIO's. What is wrong with everyone?I spend my whole time worrying that these kind of establishments won't take me seriously, then I am always the most well-behaved person in any one place! At least I am yet to formulate any wild conspiracy theories, the first sure sign of egomania/ narcissism/ mental disturbance.
(oh there is the theory that i carefully honed about all men being gay, but i only espouse that when I'm drunk, and it's not really a conspiracy theory.)

Anyway. Here I am at work, I have terrible backache and crazy doziness from the gabapentin, I have a £1650 overdraft or else I would be handing in my notice today. I have truly reached my limit here, but needs must. It'd be nice to do something with my 2 degrees, like utilise them at all in any way, rather than this policing/babysitting job that I am currently doing. On Friday I could feel all day that i was breathing like a scared mouse. I'm sure that's not good?

Had a mental day on Friday when our wishes were basically completely overridden and undermined by the boys group who call themselves the management. There's something funny going on with them, a particular student's father seems to have them by the nuts but it's not clear why. It's so pathetic the way that they pander to these naughty students, I think that it is a syndrome of men, cause my dad has it, that you pay attention to naughty behaviour and ignore good behaviour, but here it's just insane. This particular student boasts to us that he can't be expelled cause the head loves him, they've tried to expell him 5 times. He is a total pisstaker, and when we try to put our foot down and have him removed from the library, on the grounds that he takes up all of our time, the management type a PATHETIC letter 'from' him which he signs, apologising to us, and they declare that he's allowed back in, we get no say in the matter.
I just received such a patronising pep talk as well cause I'm so clearly pissed off, I couldn't even pretend to give a shit. I've totally given up here now. I'm gonna go through the motions till summer then I'm outta here.
They're fucking idiots to behave this way, I'm really really good at my job, and with the students, and now I won't do it properly cause they've shown me that it all means nothing.

Anyway, just a normal Monday, tired, in pain, cross and bitter. At least I've got some marmite crisps for lunch...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...................

nothing's changed...

hello, I'm slightly drunk, here are some more old entries, did you enjoy how unbelievably repetitive and boring my life was aged 13?

i'm doing this to avoid thinking about work, which is so turd that i could talk about it forever...

12 July 1995:

' Hi, it's 5:27 and I thought I'd tell you that X is a git, girl, goss, gross, groper, greasy, grim ect. (sic) i no way fancy him, he wants me to dance with him at the disco, GRIM NO WAY oh I can't bear the thought of him he's a girl. '

2nd August 1995

  ' We called on X and he was sitting on the step and his **** + ***** were hanging out of his boxers he didn't notice atall, they are **DELETED DUE TO RUDENESS** we had a right laugh about it we are not going to tell anyone (I told my sister Chloe, no one else though). Watched 'Chances Are' with sexy Robert Downey Jr.'

6th August 1995

  ' It's midnight, didn't really do anything today, had a row about eggs with mum and dad, had a conversation about fridges with mum, watched tv. had lunch watched 'Parent Trap' (SAD) watched more tv, had a bath, watched more tv, watched 'BILL +TEDS EXCELLENT ADVENTURE' Its COOL I LOOOOOOOVE Keanu Reeves, hes GORGE read Gaby about 20 books now I'm here so BYE'

9th August 1995

  ' I didn't do much today watched 'forrest Gump' twice, 'Ace Venture Pet detective' once and 'flintstones' once and loads of morning tv, Neighbours twice, castles the omnibus (1 hour), Coronation Street, 'Romancing the Stone' + HMS Brilliant. Thats it. finito. BYE.'

some tiny excerpts...

2nd July 1995:

   "Sat- went to town with Anika bought a shoulder bag from the army shop and spur of the moment went to see Congo! It was brilliant, all their eyeballs were ripped out, and their stomachs ect by killer apes it was so excellent."

7th July 1995:

   "...I'm probably going to town with Ewan and Stefan tomorrow, I might see Congo again. I'm going to watch Drop the Dead Donkey at 10:30, my sister (Chloe) is at a sleepover so I've got her room (+her tapes) all night!"

8th July 1995:

   " ...waited around for Ewan to call he said they weren't going to be going into town cause he was busy, I watched DAVE which is quite good, Anika called at 3:40+ we went to hers + played table tennis in her garden + tried a weegee board but it didn't work...I watched Dave again but with Gaby, mum + dad instead of just lally."

9th July 1995

"...just watched DAVE again...I went to see First Knight at the cinema..."

Unbelievable. I have come across a couple of posts that are hilarious but unprintable in the public domain due to libel. You can e mail me for them secretly if you like!