bad bunnies

hello hello,

back from LAAANNDAANN, where i went to seek my fortune but accidentally came back much poorer (?!)
My body is falling apart today, I am zombie-tired and walked to the station with my eyes open only about 1 mm in order to let in the least sun possible and to continue in a sleep-like trance. Ran for the train and sweated all the way to leeds with little inhibition.
Once at work I started to get really bad bad palpitations and thought perhaps i may die on my desk. contemplated running into the hallway looking for a Doctor, realised this may jeapordise my employment as it would clearly expose my madness.
Dreading going home...the bunnies did something REALLY, really bad this weekend.
We left them overnight with plenty of food and water and room for running about. Got back all excited to see them, and relieved that they weren't dead...soon I was beginning to see discovering them dead as the lesser of the bad-things-to-find-on-returning-to-your-flat.

I spotted a pile on hair on the floor resembling a giant merkin... hmmm, what is? i thought.... AAAARRGGGHHH!!! the bunnies have removed the carpet. I don't mean a bit of the carpet, i mean a metre, i don't mean the fibres, i mean down to the concrete of the floor! in our rented flat!

Needless to say, Simon was not overjoyed, especially after getting about 2 hours sleep and driving back from london... the bunnies were banned from the bedroom and are currently banned from the living room.

My quest for bunny FRRREEEDDDOOOOMMM has come back to bite us both in the arse, as we always knew it would.
I told them in no uncertain terms that come the morn they would be released into the wasteland behind our flat where the teenagers and the cats play. There was little to no reaction.

I wish I could get into their bunny brains for a minute and find out what is the OBSESSION with getting under the TV???!! It is an absolute full-time job for them, they think that behind the makeshift sketchbook-barrier lies the bunny garden of eden, curly kale forests, soft burrowing soil, endless fRREEDDDUUMM. but it's just a bit more carpet. they've been there, they know that. Christ they're naughty. it must be like having a naughty baby. it's not their fault cause they literally know no better, and they don't understand your reasoning anyway, so there's no outlet for your frustration apart from "it's my fault" cause basically it is. No one made you have a baby/ bunny/ baby bunny so you'd better expect it to piss you off. a lot. and then blame yourself. and still be quite sweet so you can't be too angry. OH and you'd better expect the baby/ bunny to make your boyfriend hate you and the bunnies for the needless havoc. but you slightly more cause the bunny/baby is still sweet and you aren't.


Had a crazy weekend in london for chloe's birthday. It began with the single worst coach journey in the history of my recent history. Boarded the coach at 3, got a double seat which i was very pleased about. All seemed well. After begging someone tall to shut the sunroof which was raining into my face, i managed to fall asleep. woke up in traffic about 5:30... then that was it. Traffic. watched the arrival time in london come and go while we remained 45 miles away travelling at 1mph. got into london about 2 hours late and jumped off in the middle of the city to save the anguish of victoria station.
Friday took cHLOE on a ghost walk which was pretty cool. The lady was an unemployed actress and very e-n-u-n-c-a-t-i-n-g in her words, she also sung old weird songs. Mostly it involved navigating pissed people all over london and seeing some AMAZING pubs!
saturday we had a wee party and danced till 4 am which is the reason for my state of complete physical shut down today. i think.

anyways. gonna head back from work and have a nap and scold the bunnies and then hopefully forgive them. also need to find a way of removing some carpet and making a repair patch, anyone done this before?? H-E-L-P me, for the sake of the roof over my head!

the angry man who is in bad debt.

Hello all, and ow do.

Had a strange few days, i think my medicine is making me a bit like an old lady, i keep repeating myself and forgetting if i've done stuff. I went to give blood and they refused my lovely blood on the grounds of my medicine (they were wrong to and will be told that when they check) still, was a bit humiliating, "here literally take my blood, take it, seriously, put a needle into me and such out my blood" " no thanks Miss harries, your contaminated blood it of no use to us, we literally wouldn't even give it to someone who was dying, now finish your pint of water and be gone"

Then I picked up my prescription, i signed up to one of those things where they order it for you, they made me basically, and i am so inundated with bloody medicine i could build a house out of it! mmmdelicious medicine house... So as i collected it the man said "WAIT, the pharmacist must speak to you before you can take this suitcase of medicine" 'oh bollocks' thought I, 'another lecture about painkillers, or some other thing'. ten minutes later the pharmacist appears, to compound my inadequacy she is a tall, thin, beautiful asian lady who made me feel like a small drug filled bod, grasping at my drugs and unable to look her in the eye.

It turned out to be more boring than i had anticipated "have you been getting hayfever?" 'yes, quite a bit' "does it affect your asthma?" 'sometimes' " do you kow how to control it?" 'yes, yes i do, i've had it a long time' " Ok, great, do you find you get a lot of oral thrush from your inhalers?" 'ummmm, no?what? what do you mean?!' "oh, it's just your purple inhalers will give you oral thrush if you aren't careful, didn't you know that?" 'um, no, no one has ever, ever said that to me, what is it? what does it feel like?!!' (in my head i am putting all my health problems for the last ten years down to undiagnosed oral thrush) " oh, like being thirsty, croaky voice, sore throat" (tick, tick, tick) 'Wow, i've been on these about 10 years. that's great.' " don't worry, i'm sure you don't have it, byeee"

thanks beautiful woman with lipstick and proper girls hair and job, thanks for telling me loudly in a tiny shop that i have a thrush mouth. Now i think i have got one and it's another thing for me to worry about. thanks a LOT.


went and delivered my Avon catalogues, people even chased me to give them back seconds after they had dropped through their letterboxes. I definitely regret doing it! I am like the opposite of that book 'the YES man' i need to start saying 'NO' i am literally just a girl who can't say no.

This morning I have done my TIGER training at work, you do it online, it's about information governance (i know, me neither) it was pretty funny but also enlighting as i didn't know i could sleep with my eyes open till today, wish i'd mastered that in uni.
It begins with a cartoon where a man called Mr Happy(copyright infringement?) discovers there's been a mix up at the bank (moral: information safety is as important as money safety-it isn't) He recieves a letter and geets really angry and calls them then goes in for an appointment.

the receptionist says ' Hello i know you, you are the angry man who is now in debt' (my dad isn't it?)
then an electronic screen scrolls 'Mr Happy please go to the Bad debt department'

everytime there's a breach a cross flashes. it is literally like it is aimed at very young children. and they can't be expected to safeguard anything. If it isn't aimed at very young children then do i really need a character who is a blatant rip off of fido dido to show me veerrry slowly about being angry with the bank? I KNOW how to be angry with the bank, i'm a fucking professional at it?!
later they do it in a dr surgery where they are constantly leaving private filing cabinets open so they can go for a bacon butty, then one leaves some patient records in the bog (?!) then a doctor comes out and says to the receptionist 'OOHHH noo not her again, not mrs Rothwell, she's suuuchhh a hypochondriac' meanwhile the other people in the waiting room are roaring with laughter. Meanwhile another patient comes in and the receptionist shouts to him across the room 'you have your appointment for the mad clininc here' or something.

bloody hell. it was pretty boring.

anyone see Mitchell& Webb last night? it was a very funny one, the character who shoots people who make grammatical errors, i felt like he was my soulmate!

off to london tomorrow for chloe's birthday and to say bye to lally who is off to india for a month.
bunnys got under the tv and had a good wire nibble yesterday. they've never done it before, they're definitely getting naughty.
Marie pinged my sock elastic yesterday, i was outraged!

anyhoo, better go. spose i should start protecting information or something.?

bleeeurgh

hi blog fans

not much excitement today.

saw the most horrifying photo ever just now:

look at its eyes.

it looks like a person in a dog costume. maybe someone is trapped. So sly.

been out and delivered my Avon catalogues today, someone even chased me and handed it back! Can't believe i am embarking on this pointless exercise!! i thought people would be receptive to avon, but i think i am biased because my mum basically single-handedly funded her avon lady's whole lifestyle, and no one is like my mum like that, people are mean.

Went up to Haworth to the bronte parsonage at the weekend as lally was up. It's an amazing litle town, all cobbled winding streets, really high up with an amazing back-drop of scenery. The only link is via a lovely original steam railway (they filmed the train-scenes from the Railway children there). The Bronte's house is right behind the church(well it was a parsonage) which has the most gothic,bone-tingling graveyard in the world, it makes all their mega-depresssing books suddenly completely logical, it must have been a pre-tty death-filled arena in which to write. Nowadays it's a tourist centre (it's actually really weird to be in a tourist place up here, i forget that yorkshire is a tourist hotspot cause i've broken away from the cambridge tourism megopolis) lots of the shops have their authentic fittings and are really amazing and like something from another time! you can read about the bad brother Bramwell Bronte who drank himself to death after being pushed to be the clever one by his dad, but just not being very talented at anything... then all the Bronte's die off one by one. Leaving dad I do believe.

watched my new box set, wait for it....... MAID MARIAN AND HER MERRY MEN!!! I KNOW! it's seriously mega- brill!!! and watched world cup final on sunday with a mexican feast, match was rubbish and just involved lots of ruthless fighting!!

anyhoo, i am really tired so i am off for a nap.

sorry for the mega shit blog,i will resume tomorrow after a good night's sleep, woke at 6am to see lally off onto her train!

not much

Friday. good old friday. Friday is the day that I buy the Wakey Express and sit in Costa with a frescato. It's my treat of the week! cannae wait!! Must know the wakey news... who's been in court, the verdicts, what's going on round and about, who's been stabbing who, you know, i'm all involved and that. Obviously the letters page is best, I'll treat you to some next week

Been working hard today.
My AVON selling has already taken its first blow (did i mention i'm selling avon? well, trying to as of this weekend) there's someone on my territory......in my block of flats!she's spread her wares all over the foyer!! ARGH! it's kicking off!! battle of the avon ladies!! stab, stab with an extra curling lash mascara, now BLINDED with a puff of compacted foundation! drowned in a sea of lavender shower scrub... you know the score. it ai't gonna be pretty. but it will smell nice.

Reading the Metro on the way to work as always (although I really try to avoid it and read my book cause i hate it) I read a story about a lady in GEorgia who claims to be 130, the metro clearly don't believe her, i can see their point, she would have had her last child naturally, aged 60-hmmm, but still, printing a picture of her gaunt old face behind a birthday cake which she looks as though she can't even SEE then writing 'well this lady clllaaaimms to be 130' in a sarcastic way is a bit mean. She probably is 130 to be honest, she looks like a real hard nut Russian, all her kids starved to death in WW2. She retired in 1965 when she was 85!!! It's mindblowing. she's older by almost a decade than my great-grandparents. She would have been nearly 40 when WW1 ended!! I can't get my head around that at all...

what else...


Some old man in China has cursed his prize flowers 'you will see a death in your family every time these flowers bloom' if anyone nicks them. Bloody hell.

There's a kestrel with a pink plaster cast on its leg. Not very dignified is it?
A picture of Cristian Ronaldo in his pants- are you KIDDING me that people think he is straight? he is camper than glastonbury.
Lindsay Lohan says her human rights have been violated. I don't really know why she's famous? I'd override her human rights if i saw her (by punching her in the mush).

that's the Metro for my my readers. Not much to say today you may have noticed.

gonna head off for my coffee and paper then back to the studio for podcasts and drawing.

The bunnies have forgiven me for blocking up the underneath of the bed, i thought they never would, but they were in fine fettle yesterday, bring out the curly Kale and they 're anyones!
anyway, fuck this for a laugh, i'm off!

Proper blog monday, my anger is not high enough on friday!
bon weekend!

i laugh too much.

tonights blog is presented to you by........................................

TRAFFIC COPS!

the script of traffic cops is a work of art.

Why do people want to watch traffic cops? it's horrible. and really boring. This one policeman is rubbing his hands together saying 'i LOOOOVVE seizing cars! I LOVE IT!' it's not going to do anything for public relations is it?

some lines so far that I have particularly enjoyed:

'... capturing unlicensed vehicles is like shelling peas...'

'... the officers have happened upon a tea party..(cut to shot of pitiable gurning old man drinking tenants Super) but it's not brown sugar they're putting in their tea. It's heroin.'

then, only about a second after the first drugs/ tea party analogy:

'....a quantity of white stuff has been found in the kitchen..... but it's nothing used for cooking with...'

OK now it has got fucking ridiculous. Two police in a patrol car are racing into the town centre responding to a really distressed 999 call from a member of the public reporting something suspicious. The officer calmly tells us that there are reports of a 'turnip with eyes' (i'm not joking, it's on i player) and they have to investigate it as it may be something to do with TERRORISM or an ALIEN!!

he goes on to say that they approached slowly and cautiously, checking it was safe.

It was a South Park 'Kenny' doll. they ad the siren on for that. I trusted the police more than most people and even I don't now.

The same serious man tells us a second later about two women who got lost dog-walking and called the police and we're 'really scared and surrounded by cows.'

talk about bring back '999' with michael buerk!

Everyone my age still has the 999 voice over in their head when they are doing something precarious, remember the shit actors who played the victim? then there'd be the injured person in a room going 'i was just taking a short cut past some rapids, over a metal railing...'

'suddenly it started raining and the fog came down... but i thought i'd better push on...'

you get the picture.

I do think i need to tone down my stupid mouth. I made a joke at work today and got slightly berated then felt silly cause i knew it was the wrong audience and i need be careful around people who don't know me and know that i am good and right on. I was invited to the town library for a 'meeting' which was really for some heavy lifting, while moving one of the psychiatric journals i pointed at the cover which was covered in cartoon smiley faces (my thought process here was simply how ridiculous it was to cover a mental health magazine in smiley faces-not to mention that i have so much contact with mental illness (in my own brain and in most people's brains i know) that i feel quite relaxed laughing about it) so i pointed to it and said 'huhuhuh look, look "I'm laughing because I'm mad" hahaha' to which i was quickly told, 'yeah, well that isn't appropriate' So now i am probably viewed with suspicion as someone who hates anyone with mental illness when i am the oPPOSITE!

I'm still laughing everytime i think about my joke. it was my best one in ages.

I literally am laughing cause i'm mad!

ps.

i don't know why something saying 'funny interesting cool' has appeared at the bottom. It doesn't give much choice does it??? there's no 'bollocks, disagree wholeheartedly, or marry me' options? feel free to add your own!

recycling my anger..again...and again..

ok, so, I need to talk about recycling. NAMELY why are people so THICK at doing it?

I must first state that I am as cynical as the next person when it comes to recycling, I am lower-middle class so of course I do it instinctively, like a robot, I carry my bottles &c. home to ensure that they are recycled, I flinch when I put wads of computer paper in the bin at work as they don't do recycling, I even used to save it all at my last job, out the bin, off the floor and bundle it down to the local recycling bin on my bike. BUT I know really that it doesn't do anything, I know they just secretly send it all to china on giant cargo boats where they set it on fire or put it in some landfill, probably demolishing people's houses on the way... yes i have a pencil that says 'i used to be a plastic cup' but if using ALL our recycling was normal then they wouldn't need to write it on the 2 or 3 expensive things that have utilised it, and we wouldn't find it so unusual and groovy that we part with £1.50 for a pencil.

Living with my parents recycling was a big thing. I got used to it. I ordered extra bins due to the unusual levels of waste we all created, I knew when they went out, I tutted at the poor grasp that many neighbours had of recycling- leaving the lids on bottles (tut!) not even RINSING their jars and tINS?!! (TUTT tutt) I learned the complexity of the fact that PAPER can't go in with garden waste and cardboard BUT SHREDDED paper no longer counts as paper and MUST be placed with the garden waste at all costs. Wrapping paper is a no-go. Yes, the bins were left behind for all manner of reasons but i learned their ways and it ticked along okay.

Here in wakey things are very different. MIX it all up is the word. No separation of glass and plastic, paper and card, it points even further to my landfill theory 'naa don't bother separating it, it's going on landfill anyway'.

ANYWAY this recycling tirade was triggered yesterday when on my way home I saw a green bin with a yellow 'we can't take this' tag on it, as I got nearer I realised that this was because the owner of the (pretty posh) house had put a tree stump with about 3/4 m of tree attached to it in the bin, poking out. It probably weighed about 8 stones. Here where I live, people just get all the stuff that they don't need anymore, i say stuff, i mean crap, and shove it in the recycling bin, a metal lamp is broken? counts as a tin doesn't it? broken china? that's like glass yeah? seriously, loads and loads of house clearing is just shoved into the little green box, it is so arrogant, the assumption that the bin men are there to deal with EVERYTHING you don't want to think about. it makes me cross.

It's like when people give all their old shit useless stuff to charity because they can't be fucked to go down to the tip. Who are these bastards? I would have them branded-they remind me of my familiar old bugbear of people who finish something than put it back in the cupboard, or even worse than that, leave such a teeny tiny amount of milk or rice or whatever that it is rendered USELESS. It's more of a smack in the face than the empty packet-'i know, i'll leave one sheet of loo roll, that little half-snag on the bare cardboard tube, then i don't have to bother replacing it'

I've got your number you people. You takers.

At uni we used to fantasise about getting all the crap that the messy people we lived with left and spreading it all over their room, hiding it peeping out of drawers and stuff, the 6-day old gravy from the living room splashed across their laptop, the pan of experimental cooking that they did two weeks ago superglued to their head in the night. These recycle/charity bastards can have the same treatment.

A tree stump in the bath with a note saying 'sorry you're too much of a cretin to deserve recycling, deal with this yourself cockface.'