ey up june

Hi crew. sorry about the blog disappearing for so long. i seem to have a kind of blog-block where i can't bear TO write it even though mental stuff continues to happen to me on a daily basis.

I dreamed i was at school last week which set the alarm bells ringing that i might be more anxious than usual (by the way i hope you don't mind me never capitalizing my 'I's i just really feel that life is too short for such things so, you know, get over it) anyway, when i dreamt last night that i was SITTING A MATHS EXAM i realised this morning that things must be seriously wrong in my brains.... i even had a fight with the teacher DURING the exam cause she was helping everyone answer their questions and i was utterly outraged cause i was also crap at maths but unable to get help. I only remember saying 'i can't believe you're shouting it's so unprofessional!!' to her-!!!!!!! what a twat! I did, of course, have a few screaming arguments with teachers at school. Two teachers in particular, i had a proper proper fall out with, arguing how you'd argue at your worst with your parents, both shouting. blimey. Some of my teachers were seriously shit teachers. it's hard to take advice from someone who's intelligence you are genuinely questioning, especially if you're a precocious shit like i was. some of them i feel sad about. they got a shit deal of us and the school. Unfortunately we did invent seriously funny games, games that i would still find really funny now!

anyway. The math's exam dream left me understandably shaken today. Especially as the people in it were really in my GCSE math's class. James, you were there, i knew you'd do well even though you never worked, like in Biology A-level... It was intercut with a dream that i was at a rich girl's house at Christmas time and we were planning on a night out but it was already 4:30 am so i was starting to lose interest... she was off to rent a house in a really rich area of town and her mum was paying. I felt like a right scumbag around her. there were loads of cotton wool snowmen everywhere that i threw in the bin then had to remove and meticulously arrange again...

anyway sorry i know other people's dreams are a real arse-ache, unfortunately my dreams are so long and vivid and fucking exhausting every night that they distract me all day.
the math's exam as well is so unlike me, it's such a classic that i am sure it must tell me something.

I was very upset by events on Springwatch last night. I realised in one acute moment how totally out of touch i am with the real world, there was a story of a little bird who was brooding her chicks, you can watch it on a little camera in the nesting box. Tuesday the mum bird was being a bit mad and disappearing for ages so the chicks were getting cold, then she was trying to feed them but as they were cold they couldn't open their gobs really wide like chicks are meant to. One died and one was weak, the other seemed okay. when they returned to it last night i was just so so totally and utterly convinced that it would all work out okay, because it was on television! because there's always a last minute reprieve, or the camera man would intervene and warm the birds in his pocket or the mum would suddenly sort-it out.

It just did not occur to me that it was just trundle on as it was and inevitably the chicks would all die and the mum would be confused and it would be as bad as could be and yet, of course, that's exactly what happened.
I was pretty upset, i mean, why would telly show me that? why the hell wasn't there a happy ending? why didn't they intervene? Simon says cause it is nature, but there's nothing natural about everyone in the country watching it on a box so i think intervene. things always die if they're left alone so the whole point of you seeing it is you can help. yes. that is what i think. I am very immature when it comes to animals, i find their suffering literally unbearable, when i see little lambs or sheep or anything and i know why they're there i just want to collapse and die...

Talking of animals, Frida and Marie are booked into the Bunny hotel for our stay in France, they will be dropped off in Barnsley and stay in a hutch for the 2 weeks with the best bunny care available, we went and looked at the place and it's lovely, a purpose-built bunny cottage!!

let's see. not much else is new, the usual saga at Armley pool the lanes were removed yesterday and it was utter chaos, i was kicked in the stomach and caressed on the leg, i had to to a caricature-outrage look the whole time and was pretty close to, you know, saying something, although of course i didn't! I just stomped back to the 'changing village' in disgust 15 minutes before my allotted swim was up.

anyways, that's me. more soon!

what's new?ow do.

hey hey it's me blog fans, been ages again i know. i can't will myself to write most of the time.

So what's new? hhmmm uh huh, yup, interesting.
now me.
I am on a diet, kind of, as in i am going to be less greedy, i have gone in a bit at the deep end and made a lunch which i am sure will have me eating my oval rubber later on in the studio, but i truly feel compacted with fat like a Scottish Lawn sausage so i am finally going to swim and run about a bit, the myriad of things that come from putting on weight are driving me mental such as having so discernable jaw so i feel like the Radish God off 'spirited away' (although i also often feel like the big head witch too, oh, and her fat baby too...hmm)
also when i am walking i feel often as if i have vast weights attached to me (i mean technically, i do, my thighs) i also hate having this vast cumbersome chest that i never used to have and prevents you from ever feeling slender, i know how my granny has always felt now.

SO i am taking action blog friends, i have a Dr Karg. crispbread and a yoghurt, i am off to the swimming pool, which is as much for my back as it is for my thighs, I have also registered for pilates for back pain so i am becoming quite, well, you know, whatever.

what else is new??
i have been snapping up bargains, i am currently wearing some 'Next' shoes that cost me £2 from the shop in wakey called freddies that sells stuff from proper shops for nowt, i have also discovered shoe zone but immediately discovered why their shoes are so cheap...
me and olivia spent a lost weekend watching the only way is essex, Towie, to those in the know, and have discovered the genius that is Joey Essex, tiny trousered club promoter who is so stupid that you actually envy him cause everything is amazing to him, he's like a man-child.
it is dangerour to watch though as i seriously want botox now, really seriously, and i would def get other stuff if i had money. so better not watch it any more...

god healthy food is crunchy, i've nearly crunched my gums off!

spent the royal wedding in dorset with grandma, then had a wee picnic at Cerne Abbas in my grandpa's care home which was a nice way to do it i feel, royal wedding overkill has now swiftly been replaced by osama bin laden overkill (literally) and the usual wooping and screaming american's devoid of any sense of consequence or hypocrisy, it all makes me very unsettled and unhappy.

you'll all be pleased to hear that the bunnies are mad as ever and hopping like crazy although that may be because simon trod on frida's foot yesterday...census ends on friday so i will be freed of my evening obligations and able to get back into the studio. Bloody voting tomorrow and still can't decide which way to go.

most importantly, my sister lalage sat on a cat in a tea room on sunday, thinking it was a cushion.
that is the greatest thing that has happened all year.
speak soon blog faces.

february-the shittest month? contender?

Oh february, you have one thing going for you, you are suprisingly short, so payday comes around faster...
the weather is mad in february and every winter seems longer each year...my life is like a big winter oh shut your face rose.

so actually things have been looking up a bit, my contract was extended for another year which i have been dreading not happening. i have applied for an MA which is probably going to be funded too, pretty nice.
my bunnies are quite quiet actually thanks, but nice of you to ask. they are shedding which makes them withdraw somewhat but didn't stop one of them (i have my suspicions who) shitting 1.5 metres up the wall, i didn't know whether to be angry or to give them a round of applause! as it was i was so stunned that i just laughed in admiration.

off to cambridge later, haven't been since xmas, got a hosp appt and then off to see grandma. Uncle tim is living there too at the mo which is going to be slightly mental! however i intend to run across the hills and try and run some tit fat off that dog of grandmas, you know, the one who sings when you play the accordian, fuck mumford and sons and their london folk music, Goldie the dog sings haunting ballads when given the chance, she's suffered alright and her music shows that. although you wouldn't know it now by her grinning face and 10 big tits.


anyway, enough about a dog's tits.

i was trying to clean some of the creeping black mould off my window earlier in the week and it suddenly started to rain REALLY hard, like in a film hard, then that turned to hail, there was a boy walking back from school in the passage beneath and he had his arms outstretched and was nodding his head forwards and backwards and shouting something as if to say 'come ooooonn' he was laughing too, he looked up and saw me and we both laughed, at the hail and at me seeing him and at him getting soaked but not caring, enjoying it, it was pretty sweet.

there's probably a novel in that. 'The creeping mould and the laughing simpleton' or something.
anyway, iam OFF. got a week off woo hoo, having my 3rd wisdom out in March by LOCAL anaesthetic i can't believe i tried to be a hero with that?! what a fool! it's going to be AWFUL!
laters pets
pS how much are you LOVING berlusconi going on trial? he DEF won't get sentenced but that doesn't mean we can't dream!!!

people+journey=bastard life

the annoyance at people on the bus/train/ at the station continues.
i have realised you can divide public transport people into a few simple categories and sub-categories:

1. the socially unaware-

a.people who believe that their journey is more important than anyone elses.
     likely characteristics of this are:
talking loudly on a phone, putting their newspaper/briefcase on the seat next to them or just sitting in the aisle and leaving the other seat empty,  pushing you out of the way or walking fast and hard and cutting you up really badly-this is especially common at the ticket barrier, fighting with staff if the train is delayed.

b. clueless people-
   likely character traits:
Old, teenage, like to stop at the top of a flight of stairs to count their tickets, can't operate the ticket barrier and force a large queue to build (where you are likely to meet character a) stand across the escalator so no one can get past, walk down the stairs very slowly with a dog/bag/ teenagers in a gang ( i have missed a train before just cause of the stair slowness) ask for information at the desk but don't understand the answer, teenagers gang about with lots of mcdonalds bags, usually drinking milkshakes.
On the bus they are likely to ask for complex directions or have lots of trouble finding their bus pass/ change and cause the bus to stop for minutes at a time.

2. the socially aware-

a. Fighters
   Likely characteristics:
swear loudly and mutter about anything to do with the train or the bus driver ie 'where the fuck is he going?' they absolutely DON'T want a response to their outbursts, they just want to make sure you can hear them and be more upset than you are. especially common on buses (where yesterday i saw a man confront a driver for changing the ticket roll whilst at a red light, he took a photo of the man and said 'you are putting these people's lives in danger' then when he got off continued arguing and said 'i'll kill you' which made him lose the moral high ground  that he was going for, it lasted in all about 3 minutes and was unbearably cringemaking to watch) these people may behave badly, ie smoke, argue into their phone, in order to prompt an argument with another person on the bus/train.

b. Chatters.
   Likely characteristics:
male. nearly always men. middle aged, dressed strangely, often with a musty smell, these people want to engage in some banter (led by them) well, they want to talk AT someone as they think that they are wasted and have a lot of stuff to impart on the public seated around them. This usually takes the form of them saying something in response to someone else who is NOT talking to them, when they join in, or else they will talk about weather/delay, but quickly turn it round to them/ where they're from/ what they do/ the old days. you normally feel sorry for them but really want them to shut up, there's normally an element of sexism/racism in their conversation, normally directed at the person nearest them. No amount of ignoring will abate it.

c. Should-know-betters.
   Likey characteristics:
Seemingly normal looking women or men, aged 25-45, these people are average people on the street who betray casual bastardly behaviour, if confronted would probably crumble, but may lash out so gauge it well. These are the people who board the empty bus and immediately sit in the disabled seat, staring at the floor or their metro when someone who needs it gets on. they also sit red faced and burning with guilty but righteous silence on the train in their seat while pregnant women/older people stand pressed next to them staring down at them. They never offer to help elderly people off the train, even if they have a huge bag, or ladies with prams even if you give them a death stare and do it yourself.
They are a mystery to all people who were raised well. Basically the kind of people who would find a tenner on the bus, suspect the old lady getting off dropped it, but decide to keep it and tell themselves it is okay.

d. normil
  there are normil people who do their best on the train and bus, i never see any, but i know i am one and that most of the people i know are,ok i do see them now and again and i always feel warmth towards them. Even us normils are prone to the odd mutter but mine is always directed at a passenger not the driver.


Final bonus category:
Posh people
-just can't do public transport, their presence in the carridge is distracting and they are likely to do some of the above but mostly their voices drive you mad and they are always on the phone. they also always manage to wangle 2 seats and usually eat something very healthy that looks rank. you end up listening to their myriad of conversations all the way.



laters potaters, i am off to do my daily bus then train journey home, wish  me luck :)
  ps. the trains are FUCKING expensive and genuinely get shitter day by day so we should be angry about that! my train is on time perhaps 1 day a week but often none, and is delayed by more than 10 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.

continuation of the acceptance of facts...

Marie says i look like 'Olympia' by Manet which i LOVE!!!

except without the servant.....and also not so confident in the nip, but who knows, that may change! always nice to get flowers anyway!

acceptance of the facts.

I had an ex boyfriend who used to call  me by the name of a cartoon character ( a shit cartoon character i might add, one that everyone hates) much to my annoyance, then after going out with Simon for quite a short time he also sprung upon this nickname quite by chance, i have never mentioned it of course, then last night someone i work with suddenly said, haha you remind me of ..... and said the name of this bloody cartoon character!! I almost fainted. I have now had to accept that I am the human incarnation of this cartoon character. There is something that I can't see but it must be there.

It's a hard thing for a 28 year old woman to finally accept that the sum total of their life's efforts, including those made to buy nice clothes, look pretty, and further themselves intelectually as much as is possible,  have results in a resemblance most closely associated with a highly unpopular cartoon dog, nephew of a scared dog, characterised by a tiny stature and  a reckless desire to scrap with people and named after this particluar characteristic.

Other people I have been told I look like are:

Tina O Brian from Coronation ST I got this  a LOT when I was at Leeds Uni and working at the Spread Eagle, I was quite blonde then and obviously a lot thinner!!  I didn't know who she was then but i still don't see it at all.

I also got Lucy Speed off Eastenders which I really don't see, I got that 2 or 3 times and I actually was slightly annoyed about that at the time as she looked loads older than me then and had thin lips.

Angela Lansbury is who one of those 'who do you look like' internet things told me i looked like a few years ago. I was LOVING that though!!! :)

I think I look like Ponyo, at least, I think of myself as being like Ponyo. She's on the left :)

Someone once went off on one for ages about how I was EXACTLY Karen from Will and Grace, you know the total lush? who's in her mid-40's? with the squealing voice? who tells everyone what to do all the time? and lives on another planet? and is a magnet for camp gay men?? needless to say i was not impressed.

Simon also calls me Orm, from Orm and cheep. I always thought this was a reference to my scattiness but then when I saw Orm I realised the resemblence was too uncanny for it to be a coincidence...I think you will agree.....





tv is good for you

hey hey january is a time to turn over a new leaf and all that so me and rowey have done just that in our watching of amazing TV programmes on the new unbelievably sweet big telly. I will give yuo a run down of these delights...

my new daily watch goes by the name of 'peak season' we stumbled upon it by mistake and laughed all the way through, now however i must watch it every day. I think i have been looking for something to replace the 'Neighbours' shaped hole in my life for ages, well, since i stopped watching neighbours anyway- it's funny about neighbours, for about 15 years of my life the day was always divided by  Neighbours, it was divided into before and after neighbours, you would watch it twice in the holidays or  when you were sick, and the benchmark was always to get back in time for neighbours. then it just moved channel and all stopped, i mean it was getting a lot crapper but you know, it's Neighbours, it's sacred!

ANYWAY Peak Season, here's the rundown:

it's one of those 1/2 reality programmes like the Hills which I have never understood and still don't really but i think the premise is that is IS reality, but not in the sense that the meetings/ dinners etc are all staged and filmed and probably the production crew interfere quite a lot. It is in Whistler and follows people living around the ski slopes although they all only snowboard natch eh? they are such a gaggle of idiots it is actually breathtaking, it's kind of like watching a group of spoilt teenagers who look a lot older and more haggard than they probably are, plus they dress in skater stuff which looks like it's loads too big for them so they literally look like children. Their names come up every time they appear, although the boys are all named according to who they have been out with so, Dre 'amanda's ex' and so on.
Basically what happens is that; they go out and get pissed and one of the sets of ex's with have a fight, or else some girls will have a fight. Other than that they talk about their careers which are all working in shops as it is a ski resort and not the stock exchange, but even then, they really only ever ever talk about boys/ girls depending on if they are boys/ girls.that is literally IT. For example, this week, all the girls and boys went clubbing and one of the girls got pisssed and folllowed her ex hitting him, she also bit him on the arm. one girl got fired and decided to set up a promotions company, then that was it, she HAD a promotions company, just cause she said she had one...one of the boys is even uglier than the others, he stood in the gym with one of the other boys looking at his muscles going 'i wish i had a mirror like this at home, don't you love watching your muscles?' so that's the long and the short of it. get used to it. OH and one couple is Australian and the boy autralian is the biggest bastard of all and keeps wandering off and abandoning his girlfriend everywhere, she's going home in disgust. really australian's should know better, he's embarrassing his country hanging out with these Canadians.

Me and simon enjoyed an episode of 'sun, sea and a&e' late last saturday night, we were treated to a girl who had sprained both her ankles having a dance-off with someone! A girl who had woken up naked at the bottom of a flight of stairs and thought it was the past, she was kindly left on a stretcher byt the spanish dr's for about 48hrs none of the staff at the hospital could conceal their contempt for the British. Best of all was a girl who had punched herself in the throat dancing to some pumping house (or whatever the kids call it) !! she was SUCH an arse!! there was nothing wrong with her at all! she did say at one point that she went to a&e  'about 5 times a year' so there you go.

(very) Similar in theme is another programme that we caught, namely 'sun, sea, and suspicious parents' as with the previous you can probably guess the main idea here, basically the camera follows 2 people going on holiday away from home for the first time and their suspicious parents creep all over the resort following them and hiding in cupboards while they go on the pull and so on. some of the have been extremely creepy to say the least, one lad's mum was so so reluctant to let him go in any way it was terrifying, they finally appeared while her son was having a naked lapdance and the mum's stupid grinning head reared up next to the lady's tits! If that isn't going to confuse his sexual feelings for the rest of his life then nothing is!

still off the booze at the moment, although that will change this weekend in Newcastle as the fine wines and champagne will be flowing for Liv's birthday, got loads of treats lined up and i do not intend to hold back!
just got to head home and try to sew this f-ing dress that i foolishly decided to make like a prize tit.