end of tether

hi that us what i am at, end of tether, my tether that is.

I've lost my travel pass. It cost £80. I used it for 2 days. I blame work for this which is making me very resentful.
I can't afford a new one.

I deleted all my photos by mistake. this may seem trvial but it isn't.
I took some very special ones in a particular way for the first time. I feel like it was all set up deliberately. which makes me sound (and feel) mad.

went to london on the coach on friday. drank 3 pints on an empty stomach. slept badly. spent saturday with Olivia and Yasuko going to the tower of london which was lovely. they are certainly too nice for me. I behaved badly I think. very distracted and anxious. went to afternoon tea and I basically started on the waiter really quite aggressively (this even involved the phrase 'are you calling me a liar?-!!) because he was being smug. couldn't quite believe i had done it...made me feel even more mad. very very sad and in denial about yasuko leaving. went out for more beer. injured myself on a chair. spent all of sunday inside, slept with Dot running back and forth over me which was very surreal. Chloe found a mouse in its house in a box where she'd accidentally created a mouse equivalent of the Ritz with loose rabbit food and a soft comfy bed. it ran across the room. watched every episode of 'horrible histories' on iplayer. chloe said she's give me a pedicure, she seems to have gone to town on my right big toe, it feels really sore today and the skin has been reduced to raw flesh in parts...

came home on the bus last night from London, got on at 7, crawled all the way to leeds, got in 1 1/2 hours late about 12:30 Simon was really not too happy about that. asked the driver if i could sit in the front seat where his stuff was becuase i was feeling a bit queasy. very different in the front, i was hearing all his phone calls and watching the mystery of the fact that the driver's seat bounces as he drives which seemed a bad idea... also noted that he was texting which was terrifying. he had a skin condition too which was mesmerising me... very flaky... when the other driver got on i listened to them talking about people getting fired and swearing about different customers that they'd had lately and about cars that they'd deliberately bumped into in the bus lane to teach them a lesson.

spent the morning frantically trying to plead with people about my railcard. no dice. absolutely knackered and feeling totally numb with post-anxiety slump of despair.
no money for the whole month now, it's only the 5th. god i am a moron. oh well.quite tempted to drink myself to death?
oh yeah, can't afford it.