brace yourself

I'm feeling depressed!
The funny thing (although probably the only one) about having depression is that you can feel it coming on, like a cold. I have that at the moment.
You use up a lot of concentration trying hard to stop it getting hold of you when the creeping itch begins.
Albert Camus, who is one of my biggest heroes, said something like 'it's amazing how much energy some people expend every day just to be normal' i often think about this, although i think it applies to almost everyone except for a few very well balanced people. But then again, he also said 'every man is responsible for his own face' as well so you can choose to ignore his 'wisdom' if you like!

The double fold problem with depression is that there is so much properly awful shit going on all over the place that you feel guilty for being depressed as well.
I went out for a heavy rampage at the weekend with my friend lightning who I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years and i always know before hand that alcohol makes me really depressed but it's so good at allaying my constant anxiety jitters that once i pop i really can't stop. Now i have all sorts of guilt, booze guilt, knackered body, wasted most of sunday, came home very late and worried simon...oh dear. I am a bad person, that is the conclusion that i have had to come to.

What makes you a bad person anyway? Is everything that we do to do with our circumstances? I dunno, I feel like a bad person so maybe that means that I am one? after all, when we do nice things, do they come totally naturally, or because we want people to like us? I like making people happy but is thta just because i want them to appreciate me? i don't know i can't work out how much of anything is natural today. I do a lot of stuff for people but that's because i am propelled by an inborn state of utter anxiety, i mean, that doesn't make me nice does it?

Bloody hell i don't know. I think i need a long chat and a good cry, then i'll be okay.
it's funny churchill coined the phrase 'black dog' for depression, i think of it more like a blanket, because there is an element of comfort in it. A lot of people say that you mourn for your actual depresson as it leaves because it becomes such a way of life for you that it's less scary that facing the real world without it, you know like how people over-complicate their lives because accepting that their life is just how it is is just too fucking scary.
I certainly can't imagine that mine will ever go away, it's been with me so long, it's part of me, it's like a whole other set of organs and brain cells which fight with the healthy parts and it'a addictive, a tiny seed appears for no reason, or cause someone says something to you that's a bit close to the bone, or you see an old photo, or hear about someone you used to know and then you use all the strength of your thoiughts concentrating on this seed of insecurity and misery and BOOM it grows into a massive plant that pushes on the edges of your head and in your lungs and stomach and suddenly moving about and doing things and talkig to people becomes much, much harder, and your own brain and body weighs you down and tells you to give up. and that's that.

anyway. that's me for today.