ps.

look at this threatening/amazing email i got today:

THIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL E-MAIL TO YOU‏ (threatening)
The Barristers' Mac Robert & ASSOCIATE
Email: barr.macrobertchambers@googlemail.com
PARTNER MANAGING
MAC ROBERT & ASSOCIATES LONDON - UK.
On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Eng. Jurgen Krugger, I once again try to reach you again.I wish to notify you that late Jurgen Krugger made you a beneficiary in his WILL. He left the sum of sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars(US$30, 100,000.00) to you in his Codicil and last testament. (amazing)
Email: barr.macrobertchambers@googlemail.com

so now i have 550,000+30million 100 thousand dollars!!!
thank god i've quit my job! not a minute too soon i think you'll agree!

"Why?"

This is the only breed of freshwater seal(click on it), it is exactly the same shape as an egg see! Oh I bloody love Planet Earth.

There are some monkeys, crab-eating macaques, who swim and pick up food off the river bed, they also hold their breath underwater for fun, and they all have a little mohawk-tuft on their heads.

Mostly though, the sea creatures are less nice than the land mammals, I mean, it is hard to relate to a fish, when piranah's ate one up real fast it didn't make me too sad, but when that bloody croc ate a wildebeast I died inside a bit. true. It spent an hour drowning it. bastard. tell you what, I should believe in god because the devil is here, on earth, it's a croc, or any such related beast, now those are the eyes of pure evil. Also, crocs and any such related beast have been here since time immemorial, since before anything that's still here nearly, we don't know what they really know.... what secrets they've passed down, we don't know what they were doing before we were around, maybe it's all a trick, maybe they are preparing to rule the world (they definitely are). even thinking about it is making me shiver.

another thing that makes me shiver is work.

I don't know if any of you have frequently experienced being ignored, to your face, consistently for 7 1/2 hours a day? by both teenagers and adults? it's pretty frustrating. it creates some pretty strange dreams too, where you're punching and shoulting and screaming and no one listens.

ho hum. god they're doing my head in,this whole bloody place is. everyone is so LOUD? why?

been really enjoying this book, 'My Mad, Fat, Teenage Diary' it reminds me a lot of school. I wonder if i should crack my diaries out again, Simon dipped into them without my knowledge and seems to find them them to be the single funniest things he's ever read, he hasn't dipped into my poetry yet.....my poem "Why?" about the Bosnian war is a particularly poignant piece, I seem to recall....

I was always rubbish at creative writing, I remember spending the last 2 years of primary school trying to write an excellent detective novel, based completely on an episode of Miss Marple, my detective was called Sam Malone (as in, 'Cheers', but a woman) and the idea that I had was that the head of a statue was going to fall on someone and kill them... I don't know how I imagined someone was going to murder someone by quickly knocking the massive head off a statue?! It was a crap idea, and I was constantly frustrated by my attempts to create this masterpiece.

My poem "Why?" incidentally, was the only poem in our year not included in the poem book that a company put together in order to sell back to us and make money! Including a boy in my class who copied the lyrics of one of the songs on the Smurfs album (remember that anyone?) directly out, that got in! I reckon it was just too fucking political for their asses...yeah?

I discovered during my degree that I really love to write Haiku's, I actually wrote 2 or 3 really good ones if I do say so myself. I thought I should try to write one a day, but that's ridiculous so maybe I will write one a week.

I'll write one today. About work. You lucky bastards, as if you don't get enough from me. I am of course joking, you are very kind to read my blog at all.

here's my first attempt:

Work

I hate work so much

It's shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,

shit, shit, really, really, shit.

finally, good luck!

I got this amazing email today, listen to this! you won't believe how jammy I am:

Dear Friend, Good day to you and your family.I am happy to inform you about my success ingetting those funds transferred under the co-operation of a new partner fromChina.Presently I am in China for investment projects with my own share of the totalsum.Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts and attempts you made in gettingyour winnings sent to your delivery address, despite that it failed us some howNow contact my secretary in London his name is (Mr Mike Murdock),Find below hiscontact information. Name:Mr Mike Murdock),E-mail: mikemurdock3470@yahoo.com.hkPhone Number: +447024093713FAX NUMBER:+447092845782 Ask him to send you the total $550,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND USDOLLARS) certified bank Check,which I raised in your favour for yourcompensation for all the past efforts you have made in receiving your winningsin this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very,much. So feel freeand get in touched with my secretary and give him your address where to send thecheck to you.Please do let me know immediately youreceive the Check to enable us share the joy after allthe sufferness at that time. In the moment,I am very busy herebecause of the investment projects,which the new partner and me are having athand,finally,remember that I have forwarded instruction to the secretaryon your behalf to receive that money. So feel free to get in touch with him(Mr Mike Murdock) without any delay.Best regards,Dr Mario Celeste,Fiduciary Agent,GOOD NEWS CONTACT MY SECRETARY IMMEDIATELY

Good day to you and your family; how nice is that? i mean, I don't even know this guy? and he's even taking the time to send wishes to my family!

$550,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND USDOLLARS) ;I'm not suprised he wrote it again in brackets, I mean, that is a hell of a lot of money! He wants to make it clear to me what my 'winnings' are, and who can blame him, I mean, he is being INCREDIBLY generous!

which I raised in your favour for yourcompensation for all the past efforts you have made in receiving your winningsin this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very,much. So feel freeand get in touched with my secretary and give him your address where to send thecheck to you. ;so simple! I mean, he hasn't even checked that I am the correct recipient, and little does he know...I'm NOT! I never made any efforts for him! I don't even know what he's talking about!!! seriously! there's been a crossed wire here! he's emailed me by mistake and I am potentially very rich because of it!

Please do let me know immediately youreceive the Check to enable us share the joy after allthe sufferness at that time. ;wow, he wants to share my joy, after all the sufferness we've been through together (not me though, someone else) but I have been through my own sufferness, little does he know, so I probably deserve it. Also if he's going to fling money around sith such disregard, that isn't my fault is it. So I'd better email his secretary, in London, but with a Hong Kong email address (strange that). Any details he needs are worth it, I'll give them all, I mean $ 550,000, that's like £ 250,000, that's so much money, I'm spending it in my head...yes, yes, I will take you all out! I can hear how green you all are with envy, but come on, we can't all be lucky all of the time.

whaddaday.

i noticed in the guardian that it was Davey Att'brogh's 83rd birthday today!!
how crazy is that for a coincidence!
happy birthday Sir Dave!!

shocks and suprises!

Things hit an all time low yesterday when a man who was probably hepped-up on goof balls tried to run me over. The Dr is witholding my medicine until i go to a POINTLESS asthma review. everyone is grinding, grinding me down into a little powder.

The running over thing I think represented such a low-point that I've actually felt a bit better sice I got over that. I was crossing a zebra crossing on my bike which is technically not 100% correct behavious but there was no one walking there so it was okay really, the man opened his window and called me a 'fat fucking bitch' or something and i casually said ' oh fuck off' at which he stopped his car in the middle of the traffic and opened the door and made to get out and hurt me, but i guess the other traffic made it hard, i cycled off to the right and he went at me with the nose of his car, laughing, it was absoultely horrible, he was still calling me a ' fat bitch' the whole while, all i managed was 'you behave like that in front of your children?', he had 3 children all of whom were under about 8 in the car. The shock was pretty bad, but once i got home i decided things couldn't carry on like this, everything is pummeling me down at the moment, NOmore I say, NO MOre. I shall take back control.

aaanyway, this all leads me to the best thing that's happened to me in ages, David Attenborough's PLANET EARTH. I didn't see it on telly, i somehow was too much of a DICK to, me and mum watched 2 episodes last night, hoping it would cheer us up, cheer us up??? it made us ecstatic!! it is AMAZING! honestly, it's 12 quid on amazon, get it now.

There's a bit about birds of paradise, it's like a bird-asylum, they're all hopping about and dancing and clucking and they also tidy their performance area using little bits of wood like a dustpan and brush, then they do these insane dances, one of the birds honestly did a dance that was so shocking that I nearly fainted! I'm not exaggerating, it's already the best programme that I've ever seen. There was a bit about the african desert annually flooding, and all the animals walking hundreds of miles to the water, it was so amazing, the elephants were all rolling in the water, after walking like 300 miles and nearly dying, and there were baboons which were tiptoeing through holding their arms up like humans, holding their tails over the water and trying not to get wet!! There are also really sad bits too. Watch it, I urge you to. It is one of, if not the, most complex programme ever put together, it took years to make, it's utterly mind-blowing.

ok, ok, sorry! enough! I am doing it for your own good, but i'll stop now!

EURGH and there was a bit which confirmed all my worst fears about moths, but i can't go into it here or i'll vomit. let's just say, I was right all along. about the yoghurt. ARRRRRRGGGHHH I'M GONNA BE SICKKKKKKKKKK.

So anyway, I'm off to the Wakesters today, to get the key to the studio and sign some stuff. I shall also be trying desperatley to find a job. I have drawn a line, but I am pretty desperate. No callcentres, no waitressing and no working in a butcher. Other than than I'll do pretty much anything... cleaning bogs would definitely be better than working here, so the only way is up really! The students and staff here have begun to encroach into my dreams now, which i really resent. especially the Germans, maybe cause they're the most scary by far? I dreamt of one of the staff members last night, the one i spoke about before who doesn't do anything except flirt. I find him so creepy, he makes my skin crawl, also, he looks like a puppet, so maybe that's why he was so transferrable to a dream?

Exams start next week, they're doing them all in here. can't fucking wait. There's a German girl standing near me now, she has a massive fur collar on, they all have the same coat, like a bomber jacket with a fur collar, on planet earth they were showing a cat that lives in russia, there are only 16 left cause of these fur collars and coats, 16!! there's no place for it in 2009, it's completely out of place and disgusting.

Well, guess i must go, the kids are all going mental so i will hide in my office now and think about lunch. Here is a picture from Planet Earth of a mummy panda holding a baby, i daren't show the bird cause I don't want to spoil the suprise!

and let's not forget the great man himself, even seeing his face makes me happy!

look at him! he loves animals and he wants to share it with us! thanks daveyA! I love you too!

everyone is annoying me.

Look at this amazing beanbag I just bought in Oxfam!even the policeman is nice! it's the world i want to live in!

The first thing I thought as I awoke this morning- after the first first thought which was 'what the fuck? what the fuck is this? is this some kind of joke? what is this life?'- was 'Apprentice, apprentice, apprentice!' so I think I may be mental. It's the hightlight of my week.

look at this!!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/gallery/2009/may/06/panda-china-wolong?picture=346954220

I started that post yesterday (weds) but then i was too busy to finish it at work and too depressed to at home.

I am really tired, i have been all week. and i still feel pretty rough too, got some major phlegm going on, didn't help that a student sneezed into my mouth yesterday.
So happy that Philip went yesterday!! Srallen never lets me down. I was worried that Lorraine would go, and vowed never to watch it again if she did.
Shame that Philip went on the week when Lorraine was being a berk, I mean, she is really annoying, they are all really really annoying, but Philip was totally out of control yesterday, he's a prannock, he was like how you are when you're pissed and you persist in an argument, repeating yourself over and over again, even though you can't even remember what it was about...you normally have them with your boyfriend 'yeah but then you said that, i said that, then youu saaiid thatt, but why did you saaay that then? after i said that??' those ones.
Work is driving me absolutely insane. So there's a change. My intolerance levels are rocketing. It is so incomprehensible how so many people can be so rude. people must be so badly raised. bastards.
I'm printing of articles from illicit publications of loose scientific knowledge that says facebook makes you thick/gives you cancer/ makes you fail exams/ makes you socially inept and sticking them up everywhere to scare the children, just out of pure spite.
mmmm delicious spite. I might market it in liquid form, a can of drink, Spite, it would have an almost identical logo to Sprite and would taste the same, but the makers at the factory would have weed in it and sneezed in it and picked their scabs into it, just out of spite to make themselves feel better. I'd be the manager of course, so I could deposit all sorts of things within to alleivate my spite. toe skin, for example. and fingernail underneaths. and whatever is in Rowey's bellybutton. and if a worker crossed me i'd drop them in, like on who framed Roger rabbit.

I am slightly worried that I am slightly slipping into a mad state. I must try and control this.
If i was the kind of person who did yoga, i'd do it. the thing is, the kind of people who do yoga, are like that anyway, they don't need yoga to relax, it's people like me who are perpetually wound into a ball that need yoga, but also who'd never do it.
aah, just had a little break there for some Marzipan Ritter Sport. Things aren't that bad eh?
Oh well, I'll see my counsellor later and see if I can rattle all of my madness out in an hour (HA.)

I think I shall have a leaving party when I go. It is pretty fucking momentous, it's my 27th year in cambridge, and I'm off for the frozen north.
So see if you can vaguely keep June the 12th or 13th free y'all. I have to actually leave the following weekend so I definitely must not get pissed then. definitely.

tuesday.

So here's what's been going down in my world.

Took fri off due to waking up blind and ill as anything. slept till 2 or something, one of those amazing sleeps that you have after a night of restlessness, those ones where you're drifting in and out, and each time you wake a bit, you are profoundly aware of how comfortable you are.

Went to Brighton on Sat, for Ricks b day. London transport served us well, taking us all over london in the morning, and then taking 3 hours to get back from Victoria at night.

First time I'd ever been to Brighton. I always expected to have like a revelation there, i've heard so much about it, and i know so many people who love it the most. It certainly is a little nest, different from anywhere else that I've been. It all feels a bit detached from reality, like everyone that lives there is in a secret gang or something. Had a great day, amazing dinner: battered halloumi with capers and cold minted peas and chips and vodka injected tomatoes, oh yeah, and a quail's egg(!):

At the best vegetarian restaurant I've ever been to! Bloody hell it was good. I will def go back to Brighton to go there! Terre a Terre I think it's called. I am certainly pro any city that is interested in providing vegetarian feasts. Everyone always goes on about how expensive Brighton is but I had a really reasonable experience in that respect, everything seemed much less than london. There are also amazing shops, I found the biggest selection of Moomin ever, I purchased 2 items which I shall share with you tomorrow.

I can see why it would become annoying, everyone there is young and everyone is making a 'statement' of some sort. It does have the surreal atmosphere of a festival or a campus or something, which i imagine would grate if you were there doing a normal job and stuff, but I had a great time there, Simon got the best result ever on the Guitar Hero arcade machine, and I spent about £50 trying to win things on the FUCKIng claw-grabby machines again... someone stop me...please...had lots of fun sitting in the sun and drinking beer, which is still perhaps the most enjoyable activity that there is. It's been so long...

Then in the evening, me, Simon, and lal enjoyed some rum and ginger beer, from a rum-based tavern which even had a rum club. And Lally and me both got ID'd which was pretty sweet, combined we're 22 years over 18, so that's always cheery.

Lost the will to live travelling across London on the way back from Brighton, was even forced to wee in the the street like a dog due to being 2 hours away from previous loo and the same still to go... :( weeing in the street sober, I hope it's the one and only time I, or any one else has to endure that...

Sunday we had a barbecue as is the bank Holiday Tradition...

Simon dressed as a crazy bastard and played the organ and we all drank lots of beer and made an excellent video starring Wolfie, Chloe and Ricky's adopted son made of half sock/ half glove, half pig/ half rabbit, riding a horse, namely, Rick, while a ghost, Chloe, sang to him. It was a fine moment.

Went to Highgate cemetery on Monday, which I had always wanted to do.

It was absolutely amazing. It's the English Pere La Chaise.

there are patches which are devoted to different people, Italians, Poles, Russians, Chinese people, there are patches of Communists and Socialists, Jews, graves of journalists and a fireman's memorial. And obviously this crazy guy guy:

It does seem a bit weird to have loads of communists buried in churchyard, but actually I think it's rather nice, everyone in it together, like in the living world. It was such a crazy place though, vast areas all overgrown with winding vines, wrapping around the gravestones, nature taking over and all that. I recommend you go there, I'll come with.


Just enduring the daily grind at the moment, everything is even more crazy than normal, I've been hot and bothered all day, and my lungs are still rasping with the remnants of illness.

I'll leave you with this, it was on the telly when we turned it on on sunday night.

yesterday will return at 6 am.

yeah?