crazzzyy nights and laaazzy days....

The Filing cabinet in our office is jammed shut for the third day in a row and I really would like some of the things inside it... I hate this system of dependence, my computer was broken on monday morning so i submit an online service request, then another yesterday, finally an angry IT man gives it a temporary fix, furious that I'd bothered him, even though I couldn't do any work the whole time it was down. Now the filing cabinet's been locked shut since monday, he's fixed it once but it's broken so obviously it re-shut within ten minutes, now he's clearly too pissed off to fix it again, as if we do it for our own amusement, his new thing is to come and inspect how much paper we have when we ask for more and make his own decisions about whether we should get more or not, as if it's not being gobbled up by the students, as if we get boxes and boxes of it and set it on fire or use it as building material. Bloody idiots.
the £1400 wallet girl just cruised by, she's so dopey, should have whet me whistle... eeejit.
the levels of work hatred are high as ever, as is the relentless head cold, making me sleepy and moody, and also quite sick.

sorry, sorry for my eggy outburst there, like i said before, having a finite time on work seems to actually be making it shitter? I think a lot of this is money worries, I find that I am slotting remainders of scraps of money around in my head constantly like some impossible and frustrating game of tetris. It's like trying to push a big foot into a little shoe, it's not going to happen with any stability, and looking at it, it probably won't happen at all. this is the finite aspect that's really playing on my mind. I have no job in Wakey, and so far despite hours of looking, can't see anything likely, to the point where I'm clicking on those 'earn £500-£3000 a WEEK from HOME without even getting up!' adverts
:( idiot.
So everything I need to pay for (which is a LOt of things. Needs to come from my May and June salaries. Leaving me no money for summer, no leftover to live off and no money for any extravagancies like pants and bras, which I need. So 50% of me is going 'shiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!! Literally what will I do?' and 50% of me is going 'I am going to be doing what I want, i am actually being brave, (which I never am!) and no amount of money makes this job enjoyable anyway so surely I won't be more unhappy?' Truth is I don't expect to be unhappy, I expect to be far more happy soon. But I am still fighting a powerful beast of fear and anxiety which wraps around my heart and lungs a couple of times a day before I push any thoughts of anything out of my mind and concentrate on making labels for dvds or some other such interesting thing.
The truth is, and I can hardly admit it to myself, I want to be an illustrator, really badly, but realistically, do i think I will be one? probably not. I hope I am wrong, but at the moment I am too worried about what I'll do when i walk into my studio, what do you do when you're self-employed, sel-motivating, and uncommissioned? where do you start? I am quite good at motivating myself in this manner, i think I will get up and go to the studio, I think, I just don't know where to begin, how do you structure your life? do you get days off? Will I feel guilty when I'm not working? (yes) Most importantly of ALL, how can I convince myself that I am good enough and valid enough the be an illustrator. This is the key question and one that I can not answer at the moment. I was so ravaged by the Art A-Level, ten years ago, that I was convinced back then that I'd never do art again. I got so much courage up during my degree, and most of all, there were so many times when I felt comfortable that I was right all along, and this was what I was meant to do with my life. One cuntish man almost ruined that again for me at uni, shitting all over months of my work with a casual brutalness and pushing me to the limit in some sort of sadistic game. I can see what is right in my head, but as always I can't get there. I can't feel that this is really a job that anyone can be lucky enough to have. life has to be harder than that? so i will continue to make my own life hard, and ensure that I fritter my best years away through needless worry, the usual stuff.
sorry for this soul-searching, it was quite unplanned! But hey, it is my blog, all about me, so if you don't like it go and read something else, like Stephen Fry's twitter or some other thing like full of jaunty anecdotes and celebrity encounters.