thirdday

Hi blog fans, I am BLIND tired, was out for about 200 hours yesterday doing art walk which was mentally and physically exhausting, got some good feedback though and sold about 30 cards which ain't too bad, and some old sock toys, pretty much had enough of the studios for a few days though, some of the people(men) there make mw want to SPIT (as my mum would say).

Got tomorrow off, heading up to newcastle on a coach to see liv, can not WAIT! it's gonna be a riot alright!

s as this is friday for me, i will leave you with some pictures (also i am too tired to write, been walking all over leeds after being summoned to the other library basically to do the dogsbody work no one else wants to do)

so HERE ARE PICS OF: the whoopee pie me and rowey had in harvey nicks today, my studio , chloe's INSANE birthday cake, Dot, thinking chloe's new slippers are her brother's and sisters...pretty sweet! BON WEEKEND!!!

PAYday hooray hoorah!

ey up, iam completely distracted cause it's payday and i am trying to repress the uncontrollable urge to spend all my money in one day. It's like 'brewster's millions' for me every payday, i feel like i'm against the clock and it's all gotta go (and it always does).
On the bright side, i received a free double decker at the train station today, in the last month i have had: 3 free muffins, 6 free bottles of irn bru, free disgusting crisps, and the opportunity for free toothpaste, wine and ice cream.
it's the recession! get the free stuff!!
anyhoo, not much time today, been working too hard to write much.

got an open studio tomorrow, pretty nervous about it as usual, things have been tense to say the least at the studios but i thought i'd better open as it's a big night and we have a hepworth sculpture for the night which is pretty exciting, it's coming with its own bouncer!


Did anyone watch the Amish in the UK programme? I was suprised that actually I quite fancy becoming an Amish...
I am a bit of a luddite, i hate all modern stuff cause the big wide world scares me a bit, and also the global village thing just makes me feel so insignificant that my insides all fold up and i wanna die, so yeah, Amish is the life for me.
Big garden, big house, big swing on a tree, barn, hmmm, Horse and cart. Yeah, i reckon i can give up modern stuff, all modern stuff is crap (except podcasts, mars planets, elastic and women's lib) so i am off to be an amish, although i don't know if i'm allowed cause they don't recruit i don't think...unlike the bloody mormons they're everywhere at the moment....

ok well, i have a bit of shopping to do after work (tell me not to!!! HELP this is a cry for HELP)
the bunnies are shedding like crazy so i have to keep catching them to brush them which has really destroyed the small trust we'd built up! Problem is, bunnies have no gag reflex so if they eat hair and get a hairball they can die, they're physically incapable of being sick, how sweet is that?! wow, that would have saved me SO many wasted days....'no mum and dad i only had one pint, i must have eaten something funny, see you tomorrow i better go to bed'.

I was nearly sick on the bus yesterday from the combination of being blocked into my seat, the heat and the variety of disgusting smells, namely, poo. :(


anyway, promised simon a nando's to celebrate payday so that's something to look forward to! although my period pains are so bad i'm walking like a hairpin! :( YES i did need to tell you that, grow up!
love you!

here i am...stuck in the middle with you.

hey blog chums,

i can smell fish from the canteen, the sun has come out, my outfit is totally bizarre cause everything's dirty...it must be friiiddaay!! HOOP HOOP!


what are your plans? hmmm. yeah. uh huh. interesting. nice to hear.

mine are: do nothing.
i have 29p.
going to Opera in the park tomorrow in leeds (if it doesn't piss it down) a free opera event...
contemplating making bolognaise...
yup. that's really about it.
I LOVE having nothing to do now though. When I was a teenager there was such trauma if people cancelled on you or if people couldn'tcome out, i used to be so wretched staying in, now when i have plans i dread them, regardless of how fun they are or anything.

Was reading that story in the Metro about the guy who was pushed over by a policeman. The ruling makes no sense to me, they say that the first autopsy has to be admitted as evidence therefore there's no case, but can't they admit all the autopsies and let the jury decide???it's such a BLATANT cover up. it's really really terrible. Also, if you see the footage, the policeman's actions are just totally bizarre, he just lurches forward and knocks the man over, they're all just standing around, it's utterly mental.
It said underneath it about Jean Charles de Menezes, it's 5 years yesterday since he was killed. Unbelievable to think. I remember that time SO SO clearly. I was staying with Chloe at her flat in Barnet,we were meant to be going to stay with my grandma and grandpa by coach from victoria. Me and chloe got on a bus to victoria, still wary of the train and were totally terrified with suspicion, looking at everyones bags, it was horrible, then suddenly the bus pulled over and evacuated us, gradually rumours were filtering over of this attempted bombing all over london, we walked all the way home, everything felt awful, like a horrible dystopia, it was really weird.
i think we took the next day as a day off, the attempted bombings had shut stuff down and we didn't risk it, plus they were all on the run in their pants, i remember clearly that one of them had detonted their bomb and stuff had come oozing from his bag in front of all the passengers on the tube.
the day after we attempted the tube, headed down to high barnet and got on, then we all got told to get off again, Jean Charles had been shot at Stockwell that minute, on the tube line which we were boarding. We went home again, totally miserable, thinking things would never be normal, especially once the news of the shooting emergedit was SO tragic and SO unbearable, and it was the point at which everyone stopped feeling safe.
Finally we embarked on the 24th for Dorset, 3 days late, got on the tube, constantly terrified, staring at everyone, literally having thoughts that you never, ever thought you were capable of about who looked suspicious and stuff. halfway to victoria people started running into our end of the carriage, two guys were shouting 'bomb'it was not clear what was going on so everyone was panicking madly, chloe was hugging me, after a few seconds it became clear that these men were pissed (at 11am) and were basically assaulting a middle-aged Indian man with a black briefcase, knocking him to the floor and accusing him of being a terrorist.

The tube pulled to a halt and we gave statements to the police on behalf of the man who was shaken up and also pretty pissed off, understandably. we decided not to get back on the tube (obviously) and walked to victoria instead. On the was we saw HUNDREDS of police vans, parked in big clusters, it was like 1984, it was like london of the future, horrible, but mostly, really scary. You see that many police and it makes you feel scared, not safe, you don't know why they're there?
got to victoria for a coffee and chloe totally snapped at this point (understandably) she'd lived in london for 5 years and was worried it had changed for good, she was totally frazzled by the recent events, it was her tube that she took every day to college that was bombed at king's cross, she'd taken a later one that day for some reason, we didn't hear from her till the late afternoon, even my graduation had been lined with armed police as they were knocking down all the doors in leeds and dewsbury that day for the 7/7 bombers, well, their stuff, and their relatives.
We finally boarded the coach to Dorset, utterly relieved to be leaving london, almost elated in fact.
about half an hour into the journey the coach pulled in, pretty normal, yes, then we were bloody evacuated as a passanger had complained about a mystery bag. it was of course nothing, a slightly dusky man had left a carrier or something, but this woman was alive with suspicious eyeballing so off we all went. Although i think the coach driver just went and foraged about on his own which was a refreshingly coach-driver thing to do.

We FINALLY arrived in dorset, crying with relief to see grandma and grandpa and to go from future dystopia to past idyll so fast.
Suddenly we were in village life, rolling hills, everyone just getting on with stuff, unlike london where the terrorism was hanging in the air, everywhere.

Later sitting with grandpa he asked chloe how she was, 'oh, really bad with all the terrorist attacks, it's everywhere in london, we've had 3 weeks of it and it's affecting everything, travelling, relations with people, it's terrible'

My grandpa (who at that point read the daily mail every day then said:
'what terrorist attacks?'
He had no interest in it whatsoever. But i suppose he has fought in a few wars so maybe it seems like small fry to people his age?

ps.

how funny was that that after ALL his casual boasting and going on telly to talk about it and stuff that nick i beg your pardon dick griffin WAS banned from the Queen's house after all! for telling everyone why he wasn't!

REALLY embarrassing!


he would prob have got on real well with prince pip though, so i bet he's annoyed about it.

steve mcqueen bunny

bloody hell, my house is like the great escape, and i am definitely the Nazis in that scenario! Only the 'nice' nazi who just wants to get some respect then lashes out when they don't.
every time i go into the living room the bunnies do the equivalent of putting their hands in their pockets and whistling!
WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?!
i thought that this scenario would be like an orphanage, where i was mother Theresa, and the bunnies curled up on my lap, finally happy from the love of a benevolent stranger, me, looking down pityingly at their sleeping faces in the firelight, thinking about all they'd gone through, and about how they'd die before me(i hope) and how sad life all was but worth it if you could feel truly safe and truly loved, even just for one second.

but no.
it's like an orphanage where you leave the food out and the children grab it and retreat and if you reach out towards them they flinch into a ball and run away. whenever your back is turned, say, you need a break from running this orphanage, pouring all your love and time into it, worrying what's best for the orphans, buying them their favourite treats (kale) and worrying about them, when your back is turned such is their frenzy to leave after their weeks of plan-hatching that they DIG UP THE FUCKING CARPET.
thus meaning you have to turn away all the other orphans on the grounds that you don't BLOODY TRUST THEM anymore. and you can't afford to keep repairing stuff.

that analogy didn't work did it?
basically, my bunnies are PLOTTING and i am SUSPICIOUS of them. i have taken to peeking around doorframes to see what they're up to.
like i do with the orphans down the road.

ooh er it went all soppy at the end!

i am slightly firey and cross today so don't get in my way.
the day began with a man on the train pushing my fragile mind to breaking point, he was flicking his train ticket on his stubble, over and over again, i turned around and he took great satisfaction in seeing that it was annoying me and continued to do it in a more and more frenzied way, i pretended i didn;t care and read the paper but my eyes were fixed on the back of the chair and a smile broke out on my face in incrediluity that he was being such a child! we battled like this ALL the way to leeds. I wanted to be able to stand up and say 'Did you enjoy that? flicking your train ticket?' so he could say 'yes i did, anyway it's a free country' and i could silently take out a samurai sword and cut off his arm, then see the look on his smug face as i said 'no more flicking for you'.

so yeah, that's the mood i am in.

saw toy story 3 last night, it was brill but i still think the other one was better (with the bad cowboy man) also there were parts that were seriously dark! there's a baby with a baby voice that is well well creepsters!

It was my first 3D film and was pretty exciting, here were the problems:

I wear glasses at the cinema, the 3D glasses just about fit over but slip off all the time.
the 3D adverts are more amazing than the 3D effects in the film.
3D is dark cause the shades are dark, when i peeped out of my glasses the colour was loads better.

there you go.
also, a 3D tV? that is lame,wearing 3D glasses to watch telly? your life is very empty my friend.


well, off to the studio, need a long draw, m&d got me cambridge lib books that are AMAZING so i am gonna get stuck in. meeting my avon lady tomorrow, told her i wasn't gonna do it, it isn't for me. no way. what was i thinking? i am still gonna buy it though, that's probably all i ever wanted to do!

can't wait to head down to dorset for my holiday..., a month to go or some such thing...
i used to always wonder why everyone had their weekends booked up so far in advance but now i see it's just in CAMBRIDge that you never have your weekends booked up cause you always want a chance to leave at the drop of a hat!
i do miss cambridge though. most of all i miss cycling. seriously, i miss it a LOT.
i was trying to think if i have a love/hate relationship with the bridge but it doesn't quite sum it up, it's more protective/disdainful/joined forever feeling, it's so much part of me that it will never not be important, it's like a 3rd parent, but one who keeps having step-children that are richer than you.
cambridge means so much to people who go there and live there for a time that i feel lucky it is my place and i grew up in it and i know it so intimately.
I will leave you with a beautiful poem about cambridge by Xu Zhimo a Chinese student there from 1920 who died in a plane crash in 1931. I love this poem because when i think about the bits of cambridge that i love, it is all quiet, by the river, moments i've had alone just with the city, cycling along or reading or lying down.

Very quietly I take my leave
As quietly as I came here;
Quietly I wave good-bye
To the rosy clouds in the western sky.

The golden willows by the riverside
Are young brides in the setting sun;
Their reflections on the shimmering waves
Always linger in the depth of my heart.

The floating heart growing in the sludge
Sways leisurely under the water;
In the gentle waves of Cambridge
I would be a water plant!

That pool under the shade of elm trees
Holds not water but the rainbow from the sky;
Shattered to pieces among the duckweeds
Is the sediment of a rainbow-like dream?

To seek a dream?
Just to pole a boat upstream
To where the green grass is more verdant;
Or to have the boat fully loaded with starlight

And sing aloud in the splendor of starlight.
But I cannot sing aloud
Quietness is my farewell music;
Even summer insects heap silence for me

Silent is Cambridge tonight!
Very quietly I take my leave
As quietly as I came here;
Gently I flick my sleeves
Not even a wisp of cloud will I bring away

bad bunnies

hello hello,

back from LAAANNDAANN, where i went to seek my fortune but accidentally came back much poorer (?!)
My body is falling apart today, I am zombie-tired and walked to the station with my eyes open only about 1 mm in order to let in the least sun possible and to continue in a sleep-like trance. Ran for the train and sweated all the way to leeds with little inhibition.
Once at work I started to get really bad bad palpitations and thought perhaps i may die on my desk. contemplated running into the hallway looking for a Doctor, realised this may jeapordise my employment as it would clearly expose my madness.
Dreading going home...the bunnies did something REALLY, really bad this weekend.
We left them overnight with plenty of food and water and room for running about. Got back all excited to see them, and relieved that they weren't dead...soon I was beginning to see discovering them dead as the lesser of the bad-things-to-find-on-returning-to-your-flat.

I spotted a pile on hair on the floor resembling a giant merkin... hmmm, what is? i thought.... AAAARRGGGHHH!!! the bunnies have removed the carpet. I don't mean a bit of the carpet, i mean a metre, i don't mean the fibres, i mean down to the concrete of the floor! in our rented flat!

Needless to say, Simon was not overjoyed, especially after getting about 2 hours sleep and driving back from london... the bunnies were banned from the bedroom and are currently banned from the living room.

My quest for bunny FRRREEEDDDOOOOMMM has come back to bite us both in the arse, as we always knew it would.
I told them in no uncertain terms that come the morn they would be released into the wasteland behind our flat where the teenagers and the cats play. There was little to no reaction.

I wish I could get into their bunny brains for a minute and find out what is the OBSESSION with getting under the TV???!! It is an absolute full-time job for them, they think that behind the makeshift sketchbook-barrier lies the bunny garden of eden, curly kale forests, soft burrowing soil, endless fRREEDDDUUMM. but it's just a bit more carpet. they've been there, they know that. Christ they're naughty. it must be like having a naughty baby. it's not their fault cause they literally know no better, and they don't understand your reasoning anyway, so there's no outlet for your frustration apart from "it's my fault" cause basically it is. No one made you have a baby/ bunny/ baby bunny so you'd better expect it to piss you off. a lot. and then blame yourself. and still be quite sweet so you can't be too angry. OH and you'd better expect the baby/ bunny to make your boyfriend hate you and the bunnies for the needless havoc. but you slightly more cause the bunny/baby is still sweet and you aren't.


Had a crazy weekend in london for chloe's birthday. It began with the single worst coach journey in the history of my recent history. Boarded the coach at 3, got a double seat which i was very pleased about. All seemed well. After begging someone tall to shut the sunroof which was raining into my face, i managed to fall asleep. woke up in traffic about 5:30... then that was it. Traffic. watched the arrival time in london come and go while we remained 45 miles away travelling at 1mph. got into london about 2 hours late and jumped off in the middle of the city to save the anguish of victoria station.
Friday took cHLOE on a ghost walk which was pretty cool. The lady was an unemployed actress and very e-n-u-n-c-a-t-i-n-g in her words, she also sung old weird songs. Mostly it involved navigating pissed people all over london and seeing some AMAZING pubs!
saturday we had a wee party and danced till 4 am which is the reason for my state of complete physical shut down today. i think.

anyways. gonna head back from work and have a nap and scold the bunnies and then hopefully forgive them. also need to find a way of removing some carpet and making a repair patch, anyone done this before?? H-E-L-P me, for the sake of the roof over my head!

the angry man who is in bad debt.

Hello all, and ow do.

Had a strange few days, i think my medicine is making me a bit like an old lady, i keep repeating myself and forgetting if i've done stuff. I went to give blood and they refused my lovely blood on the grounds of my medicine (they were wrong to and will be told that when they check) still, was a bit humiliating, "here literally take my blood, take it, seriously, put a needle into me and such out my blood" " no thanks Miss harries, your contaminated blood it of no use to us, we literally wouldn't even give it to someone who was dying, now finish your pint of water and be gone"

Then I picked up my prescription, i signed up to one of those things where they order it for you, they made me basically, and i am so inundated with bloody medicine i could build a house out of it! mmmdelicious medicine house... So as i collected it the man said "WAIT, the pharmacist must speak to you before you can take this suitcase of medicine" 'oh bollocks' thought I, 'another lecture about painkillers, or some other thing'. ten minutes later the pharmacist appears, to compound my inadequacy she is a tall, thin, beautiful asian lady who made me feel like a small drug filled bod, grasping at my drugs and unable to look her in the eye.

It turned out to be more boring than i had anticipated "have you been getting hayfever?" 'yes, quite a bit' "does it affect your asthma?" 'sometimes' " do you kow how to control it?" 'yes, yes i do, i've had it a long time' " Ok, great, do you find you get a lot of oral thrush from your inhalers?" 'ummmm, no?what? what do you mean?!' "oh, it's just your purple inhalers will give you oral thrush if you aren't careful, didn't you know that?" 'um, no, no one has ever, ever said that to me, what is it? what does it feel like?!!' (in my head i am putting all my health problems for the last ten years down to undiagnosed oral thrush) " oh, like being thirsty, croaky voice, sore throat" (tick, tick, tick) 'Wow, i've been on these about 10 years. that's great.' " don't worry, i'm sure you don't have it, byeee"

thanks beautiful woman with lipstick and proper girls hair and job, thanks for telling me loudly in a tiny shop that i have a thrush mouth. Now i think i have got one and it's another thing for me to worry about. thanks a LOT.


went and delivered my Avon catalogues, people even chased me to give them back seconds after they had dropped through their letterboxes. I definitely regret doing it! I am like the opposite of that book 'the YES man' i need to start saying 'NO' i am literally just a girl who can't say no.

This morning I have done my TIGER training at work, you do it online, it's about information governance (i know, me neither) it was pretty funny but also enlighting as i didn't know i could sleep with my eyes open till today, wish i'd mastered that in uni.
It begins with a cartoon where a man called Mr Happy(copyright infringement?) discovers there's been a mix up at the bank (moral: information safety is as important as money safety-it isn't) He recieves a letter and geets really angry and calls them then goes in for an appointment.

the receptionist says ' Hello i know you, you are the angry man who is now in debt' (my dad isn't it?)
then an electronic screen scrolls 'Mr Happy please go to the Bad debt department'

everytime there's a breach a cross flashes. it is literally like it is aimed at very young children. and they can't be expected to safeguard anything. If it isn't aimed at very young children then do i really need a character who is a blatant rip off of fido dido to show me veerrry slowly about being angry with the bank? I KNOW how to be angry with the bank, i'm a fucking professional at it?!
later they do it in a dr surgery where they are constantly leaving private filing cabinets open so they can go for a bacon butty, then one leaves some patient records in the bog (?!) then a doctor comes out and says to the receptionist 'OOHHH noo not her again, not mrs Rothwell, she's suuuchhh a hypochondriac' meanwhile the other people in the waiting room are roaring with laughter. Meanwhile another patient comes in and the receptionist shouts to him across the room 'you have your appointment for the mad clininc here' or something.

bloody hell. it was pretty boring.

anyone see Mitchell& Webb last night? it was a very funny one, the character who shoots people who make grammatical errors, i felt like he was my soulmate!

off to london tomorrow for chloe's birthday and to say bye to lally who is off to india for a month.
bunnys got under the tv and had a good wire nibble yesterday. they've never done it before, they're definitely getting naughty.
Marie pinged my sock elastic yesterday, i was outraged!

anyhoo, better go. spose i should start protecting information or something.?

bleeeurgh

hi blog fans

not much excitement today.

saw the most horrifying photo ever just now:

look at its eyes.

it looks like a person in a dog costume. maybe someone is trapped. So sly.

been out and delivered my Avon catalogues today, someone even chased me and handed it back! Can't believe i am embarking on this pointless exercise!! i thought people would be receptive to avon, but i think i am biased because my mum basically single-handedly funded her avon lady's whole lifestyle, and no one is like my mum like that, people are mean.

Went up to Haworth to the bronte parsonage at the weekend as lally was up. It's an amazing litle town, all cobbled winding streets, really high up with an amazing back-drop of scenery. The only link is via a lovely original steam railway (they filmed the train-scenes from the Railway children there). The Bronte's house is right behind the church(well it was a parsonage) which has the most gothic,bone-tingling graveyard in the world, it makes all their mega-depresssing books suddenly completely logical, it must have been a pre-tty death-filled arena in which to write. Nowadays it's a tourist centre (it's actually really weird to be in a tourist place up here, i forget that yorkshire is a tourist hotspot cause i've broken away from the cambridge tourism megopolis) lots of the shops have their authentic fittings and are really amazing and like something from another time! you can read about the bad brother Bramwell Bronte who drank himself to death after being pushed to be the clever one by his dad, but just not being very talented at anything... then all the Bronte's die off one by one. Leaving dad I do believe.

watched my new box set, wait for it....... MAID MARIAN AND HER MERRY MEN!!! I KNOW! it's seriously mega- brill!!! and watched world cup final on sunday with a mexican feast, match was rubbish and just involved lots of ruthless fighting!!

anyhoo, i am really tired so i am off for a nap.

sorry for the mega shit blog,i will resume tomorrow after a good night's sleep, woke at 6am to see lally off onto her train!

not much

Friday. good old friday. Friday is the day that I buy the Wakey Express and sit in Costa with a frescato. It's my treat of the week! cannae wait!! Must know the wakey news... who's been in court, the verdicts, what's going on round and about, who's been stabbing who, you know, i'm all involved and that. Obviously the letters page is best, I'll treat you to some next week

Been working hard today.
My AVON selling has already taken its first blow (did i mention i'm selling avon? well, trying to as of this weekend) there's someone on my territory......in my block of flats!she's spread her wares all over the foyer!! ARGH! it's kicking off!! battle of the avon ladies!! stab, stab with an extra curling lash mascara, now BLINDED with a puff of compacted foundation! drowned in a sea of lavender shower scrub... you know the score. it ai't gonna be pretty. but it will smell nice.

Reading the Metro on the way to work as always (although I really try to avoid it and read my book cause i hate it) I read a story about a lady in GEorgia who claims to be 130, the metro clearly don't believe her, i can see their point, she would have had her last child naturally, aged 60-hmmm, but still, printing a picture of her gaunt old face behind a birthday cake which she looks as though she can't even SEE then writing 'well this lady clllaaaimms to be 130' in a sarcastic way is a bit mean. She probably is 130 to be honest, she looks like a real hard nut Russian, all her kids starved to death in WW2. She retired in 1965 when she was 85!!! It's mindblowing. she's older by almost a decade than my great-grandparents. She would have been nearly 40 when WW1 ended!! I can't get my head around that at all...

what else...


Some old man in China has cursed his prize flowers 'you will see a death in your family every time these flowers bloom' if anyone nicks them. Bloody hell.

There's a kestrel with a pink plaster cast on its leg. Not very dignified is it?
A picture of Cristian Ronaldo in his pants- are you KIDDING me that people think he is straight? he is camper than glastonbury.
Lindsay Lohan says her human rights have been violated. I don't really know why she's famous? I'd override her human rights if i saw her (by punching her in the mush).

that's the Metro for my my readers. Not much to say today you may have noticed.

gonna head off for my coffee and paper then back to the studio for podcasts and drawing.

The bunnies have forgiven me for blocking up the underneath of the bed, i thought they never would, but they were in fine fettle yesterday, bring out the curly Kale and they 're anyones!
anyway, fuck this for a laugh, i'm off!

Proper blog monday, my anger is not high enough on friday!
bon weekend!

i laugh too much.

tonights blog is presented to you by........................................

TRAFFIC COPS!

the script of traffic cops is a work of art.

Why do people want to watch traffic cops? it's horrible. and really boring. This one policeman is rubbing his hands together saying 'i LOOOOVVE seizing cars! I LOVE IT!' it's not going to do anything for public relations is it?

some lines so far that I have particularly enjoyed:

'... capturing unlicensed vehicles is like shelling peas...'

'... the officers have happened upon a tea party..(cut to shot of pitiable gurning old man drinking tenants Super) but it's not brown sugar they're putting in their tea. It's heroin.'

then, only about a second after the first drugs/ tea party analogy:

'....a quantity of white stuff has been found in the kitchen..... but it's nothing used for cooking with...'

OK now it has got fucking ridiculous. Two police in a patrol car are racing into the town centre responding to a really distressed 999 call from a member of the public reporting something suspicious. The officer calmly tells us that there are reports of a 'turnip with eyes' (i'm not joking, it's on i player) and they have to investigate it as it may be something to do with TERRORISM or an ALIEN!!

he goes on to say that they approached slowly and cautiously, checking it was safe.

It was a South Park 'Kenny' doll. they ad the siren on for that. I trusted the police more than most people and even I don't now.

The same serious man tells us a second later about two women who got lost dog-walking and called the police and we're 'really scared and surrounded by cows.'

talk about bring back '999' with michael buerk!

Everyone my age still has the 999 voice over in their head when they are doing something precarious, remember the shit actors who played the victim? then there'd be the injured person in a room going 'i was just taking a short cut past some rapids, over a metal railing...'

'suddenly it started raining and the fog came down... but i thought i'd better push on...'

you get the picture.

I do think i need to tone down my stupid mouth. I made a joke at work today and got slightly berated then felt silly cause i knew it was the wrong audience and i need be careful around people who don't know me and know that i am good and right on. I was invited to the town library for a 'meeting' which was really for some heavy lifting, while moving one of the psychiatric journals i pointed at the cover which was covered in cartoon smiley faces (my thought process here was simply how ridiculous it was to cover a mental health magazine in smiley faces-not to mention that i have so much contact with mental illness (in my own brain and in most people's brains i know) that i feel quite relaxed laughing about it) so i pointed to it and said 'huhuhuh look, look "I'm laughing because I'm mad" hahaha' to which i was quickly told, 'yeah, well that isn't appropriate' So now i am probably viewed with suspicion as someone who hates anyone with mental illness when i am the oPPOSITE!

I'm still laughing everytime i think about my joke. it was my best one in ages.

I literally am laughing cause i'm mad!

ps.

i don't know why something saying 'funny interesting cool' has appeared at the bottom. It doesn't give much choice does it??? there's no 'bollocks, disagree wholeheartedly, or marry me' options? feel free to add your own!

recycling my anger..again...and again..

ok, so, I need to talk about recycling. NAMELY why are people so THICK at doing it?

I must first state that I am as cynical as the next person when it comes to recycling, I am lower-middle class so of course I do it instinctively, like a robot, I carry my bottles &c. home to ensure that they are recycled, I flinch when I put wads of computer paper in the bin at work as they don't do recycling, I even used to save it all at my last job, out the bin, off the floor and bundle it down to the local recycling bin on my bike. BUT I know really that it doesn't do anything, I know they just secretly send it all to china on giant cargo boats where they set it on fire or put it in some landfill, probably demolishing people's houses on the way... yes i have a pencil that says 'i used to be a plastic cup' but if using ALL our recycling was normal then they wouldn't need to write it on the 2 or 3 expensive things that have utilised it, and we wouldn't find it so unusual and groovy that we part with £1.50 for a pencil.

Living with my parents recycling was a big thing. I got used to it. I ordered extra bins due to the unusual levels of waste we all created, I knew when they went out, I tutted at the poor grasp that many neighbours had of recycling- leaving the lids on bottles (tut!) not even RINSING their jars and tINS?!! (TUTT tutt) I learned the complexity of the fact that PAPER can't go in with garden waste and cardboard BUT SHREDDED paper no longer counts as paper and MUST be placed with the garden waste at all costs. Wrapping paper is a no-go. Yes, the bins were left behind for all manner of reasons but i learned their ways and it ticked along okay.

Here in wakey things are very different. MIX it all up is the word. No separation of glass and plastic, paper and card, it points even further to my landfill theory 'naa don't bother separating it, it's going on landfill anyway'.

ANYWAY this recycling tirade was triggered yesterday when on my way home I saw a green bin with a yellow 'we can't take this' tag on it, as I got nearer I realised that this was because the owner of the (pretty posh) house had put a tree stump with about 3/4 m of tree attached to it in the bin, poking out. It probably weighed about 8 stones. Here where I live, people just get all the stuff that they don't need anymore, i say stuff, i mean crap, and shove it in the recycling bin, a metal lamp is broken? counts as a tin doesn't it? broken china? that's like glass yeah? seriously, loads and loads of house clearing is just shoved into the little green box, it is so arrogant, the assumption that the bin men are there to deal with EVERYTHING you don't want to think about. it makes me cross.

It's like when people give all their old shit useless stuff to charity because they can't be fucked to go down to the tip. Who are these bastards? I would have them branded-they remind me of my familiar old bugbear of people who finish something than put it back in the cupboard, or even worse than that, leave such a teeny tiny amount of milk or rice or whatever that it is rendered USELESS. It's more of a smack in the face than the empty packet-'i know, i'll leave one sheet of loo roll, that little half-snag on the bare cardboard tube, then i don't have to bother replacing it'

I've got your number you people. You takers.

At uni we used to fantasise about getting all the crap that the messy people we lived with left and spreading it all over their room, hiding it peeping out of drawers and stuff, the 6-day old gravy from the living room splashed across their laptop, the pan of experimental cooking that they did two weeks ago superglued to their head in the night. These recycle/charity bastards can have the same treatment.

A tree stump in the bath with a note saying 'sorry you're too much of a cretin to deserve recycling, deal with this yourself cockface.'

photos of interest(or not)

Fun in Tesco, I enjoyed noticing, with some confusion, that Special Brew, Tenant's Super and Gold label were stored below Kaliber &c. in the LOW alcohol shelving area. Pretty cruel to struggling or reformed alcoholics I think... or just people who aren't very observant and end up pissed up after one gold label thinking it was alcohol free.I also noticed these JAMAICAN oats. Man, that boy really represents Jamaica doesn't he? Or has the brand not changed since 1850? EAT MY WHITE MAN'S OATS! Plus more importantly, the boy is fucking TERRIFYING.
This is round the corner from my studios, an old arcade which shut down a few months ago. This discarded sign is amazing! made me laugh when I saw it! IN fact the selection of stuff in this window looks like it was carefully chosen and arranged for the fucking Turner Prize! YES art is REAL everyone... the norf is so bloody grimm, ra r raaarraaa! I'm from Cambridge, gimmie break!
Frida (left) and Marie, Marie is grooming here. As you can see, we got rid of the top of the cage after 1 day and they basically dictate the house rules to us. It's good though cause it means i can say 'FFFRREEEEDDUUUMMMMM' like melly gibson in Braveheart all the time (worth getting the bunnies for that reason alone!)
Chloe's bunny Dot who came to stay last week and cause havoc to say the least, namely, she can scale ANY height through using objects in the room as giant stairs, she managed by this devour a load of our plants, lovingly grown from seed, gone in a blink, which worried us too in case they were poisonous... (she ate a nice arraay of holes in the blow-up bed too, we never saw it coming.....)
She made her home on the windowsill, much like a cat, where she licked the window a lot and was generally pretty excited about everything. When we tried to use the wii and it didn't work, even after changing the batteries in the remote it dawned on us that dot had been on a rampage beneath the TV (which had been covered pretty thoroughly) by leaping onto the digibox and sliding down the bak of the shelf, she had eaten clean through the wii sensor and a lamp and halfway through EVERYTHING ELSE. It was a dark moment of realisation. You can't make a bunny understand, so you aren't even allowed to be pissed off with them, unlike a child.

I think she looks like a clingon?? she tickles your face with her whiskers which is a sensation SO tickly that it is unlike anything I've ever felt and leaves your facial nerves going mental for about a minute after.

She was confined to the hutch while unsupervised after this reign of terror.
My two little girls, they only love it under my bed, where they have been known to suddenly start tapping and bouncing at dawn, which doesn't go down great with simon... I can't leave them outside though, they look at me all sad!! here's their room, all the mod cons, teeny tent, massive exercise bike used as bedroom, simon's clothes sealed in by all their stuff thus rendered useless, dinner bowls and litter tray (rarely used).

So that's me for the day. Had CPR training this morning which I found Incredibly funny, amusing myself at every turn, not so much the other people. The jokes are endless, 'help, this woman's badly wounded, she's lost her arms and legs' not to mention lots of 'we've lost her'. Was a bit shocked to hear that if someone has been sick you can just not bother resuscitating them as it's a bit gross! OH the power of the human spirit.

back with a BANG

WOweee, the response about the return of the blog has been PHENOMENAL!!!

I am so moved and so honoured...without wanting to blow my own trumpet, such phrases as 'makes my day' and 'gives me a reason to get out of bed and face this miserable planet' have been used, with one respondee(word?is it? it should be) even comparing me to 'Chaucer, nay, Shakespeare'.
A Wakefield Shakespeare, A Wakey SHakey.


Well, I am sorry for deserting you to face this world alone, without a daily dose of me informing you that you are incorrect for enjoying and liking certain things, and generally bringing you down to my level of eyeballing the world around me and casting disdain on what I see.


Why did the blog die out? In a word: Unemployment.
When you are unemployed you don't tend to find anything very funny, and even more importantly you don't really see anyone. ever. There is a limited amount of humour to be had in the existence of waking up, falling asleep, waking up again, applying for jobs, never hearing back from jobs, and going to bed.
I tried to continue the blog in this vein for a while but it ended up being a massive depressive cry for help, which, let's face it, no one wants to read. Maybe someone weird who loves schadenfreude but that's all.

SO things are different these days

#1) I HAVE a job, yes, some say it could never happen, I said it mostly, but yes yes, someone took a chance on little old me, out of 150+ applicants I am told (yes, it is a simple boast, get over it) it was me, the library enthusiast, who won them over with my mega love of journals and my desire to constantly tidy the bookshelves and do repetitive jobs (i'm not joking, iLOVE all these things) and knowledge of Dewey Decimal and most importantly my craving to constantly share all these wonderful secret caverns of knowledge with others, thus spreading it all around, aaahhh, lovely articles, lovely books...lovely reading...lovely knowlEDge.


What else? #2) I have adopted two bunnies: Marie and Frida. They are a bit broken and bent but I love them and they sleep in my room with me and hop about and eat hay and all the normal things, they also do some not so normal things but I won't go into that at 11:56am. Anyways, I would highly recommend a house bunny, there are millions that need adopting as they breed like rabbits (AHAHA) and people seem not to have quite grasped this so they leave them all in a local rec/ car park or like mine they give them to some little kids who chuck em about. They are very funny, especially their ears and their stretching and yawning, also binkies (where they leap in the air and somersault) Marie looks quite like a little piglet which is also nice.


What else? #3) I am racing on with writing and illustrating my book, I reckon it'll be pretty good, I am telling myself that in order to squash all the little thoughts that are going 'don't bother!' it works quite well.

#4) the coalition is making me seriously eggy.

So, I have bought you, my readers, up to speed.
Mostly the blog is back because I am constantly in situations that are mental, especially now I commute, and I need to vent them. Not to mention the general venting that puffs about in my coffee-addled brain as I read about/ encounter fury inducing people or as I see cool and nice things (I do SOmetimes!)

So here's the boring intro blog to re-establish the blog, if you get me.


Not much to report today apart from that a girl with purple hair straightened her hair on the train next to me, which I felt to be a step too far, especially as she was constantly elbowing me in order to get good straightening angle, and not to mention that her hair was already so straight that she looked like she was wearing a medieval helmet.
It made me realise something though, for once, all these pristine girls that I always envy so much for being effortlessly immaculate, where, even when i try really really hard to look smart i still have a ladder in my tights and a moth hole in my cardigan and mascara brush my cheek but can't be arsed to wipe it off, and my ungainly nature means I'll never look smart anyway, well it made me realise that the effort that these pristine girls put in is pretty massive. Carrying straighteners and doing your hair AGAIN on the train, then all your make-up AGAIN even though it's fine, who can be arsed with that?! Is that attractive? Or is it a sign that she's quite nervous? Or very very vain? they're both pretty bad I reckon.

Other than that I just tried to drink and the bottle lid came off and now I am literally soaked.

Proper blog tomorrow. PEEEAACCEE out.