back in wakey!

Had a really, really realistic nightmare all night, I even got up twice to go to the loo and both times fell back asleep and continued my nightmare from where it left off. It was about the end of the world, there was a hot cloud, like volcano ash, coming toward where we were, we all had to pack a bag of essential things and then were assessed to see if we were allowed to be saved or not. in the end i stayed with my grandma and decided to wait for the cloud. it was really horrid.

Back from Edinburgh, had a really long and crazy jam-packed weekend. Went to 7 shows in 3 days, actually wet myself a bit laughing. The flat we had rented was unbelievably disgusting, it was really really rank and had an extreme odour de urine, so we were out all day every day. Drank a lot of beer, once again, I was unable to pay for anything at all, which wasn't a great feeling. I applied for a job at the studios where i have my studio, but i'm pretty sure the time has passed when i could have got it. Someone told me that all the council jobs that i keep applying for are internal application only, but they don't put it on the website, so it's a total f-ing waste of my time... :C

I am currently wAtching Beauty and the Geek, I wish it would last all day then I could go back to bed. I bloody hate hate Americans.HATE hate. There's anough of them in edinburgh to keep you in a state of constant bubbling fury.
Anyway, today i need to sort out the flat because it's full of crap and it's stressing simon out, and lots of the crap is mine, so i really should move some. Got 3 suitcases of stuff off mum to sell on e-bay so i shall also get on with that today.

thinking about my birthday too. trying to decide what to do... so difficult when all your friends live all over the country, you feel rude asking them to travel, and more than that, it's hard to do, so i shall have to think on...

well, on september the 2nd, I can honestly say that this has been the most emotional, most mental and most exhausting summer ever. If the next few months can give me one thing it will be calmness. I am going to work very hard on how i react to things and try to be more positive, i know i am too easily defeated by stuff and it's stupid cause i've had a moderate amount of shit and i'm still okay, so what's the biggie???

adieu

well, the blog has disappeared as i have had an influx of visitors to entertain here in my little flat. mummy last week and chlo and lal this week. The general consensus seems to be that everyone loves my flat and wakey, and i have been thoroughly shamed in regards to my frequent complaints.

off to Edinburgh tomorrow and then when I'm back hopefully things can finally settle into a semblance of normality for the first time since June and i can concentrate on going to the studio and having a routine again, never thought i'd long for a routine! so the blog will resume on a daily basis, and i can hopefully fill you in about the wakey characters, of which there are M-A-N-Y!!

trying to be positively positive!

oooh i forgot my keys so i can't go to the studio... i just started getting dressed but then i realised i had no where to go! So now i am trapped in my flat for another reason and believe me, it felt better when i had no choice!

yesterday passed miserably, one of those days where you wait for evening then when evening comes you wait for bed time, a lost day. I need to shake out of this as soon as possible or i shall simply fritter my life away.

just watched jeremy kyle (see, there goes my life, whoosh) yet another one with women who have been beaten up and abused but end up being called the baddie because they told the dad it wasn't theirs, honestly, you would tell them that if you were terrified of them, but no, to JK it's the ultimate sin. disgusting women.

my poor african violet is suffering since the move, it's got loads of wilted leaves, the stems are fat and shiny like worms, drooping over the edges of the plant pot :( i hope it will be okay, that would be too much!!

listen to me, drama queen! there's nothing wrong, i'm fine, i'm just lonely, but that's probably good for the soul or something in the long-term so i will just have to abide it. I am thoroughly enjoying my book about Georgiana the Duchess of Devonshire, ladies in those days did have a shit time, and they're the rich ones, imagine the poor ones. She's just had to move her husband's illegitimate child into the house as it's mother died. It's much better company than her husband though, so it's probably lucky really. He's a complete minger, he has one of those horrible faces that some men have, long AND chubby and devoid of any definition or facial hair. Real creepy, little round eyes like fishes eyes, and when you look at these portraits you have to presume that they've been painted better looking than they really were, so it's amazing how many women are desperate to sleep with him (and that he was played by Ralph Fiennes in the film of their lives?!). I'm ploughing through these historical novels, they're bloody amazing. While i was away i read the story of the poisoning of Thomas Overbury in the tower of London while James I was King, bloody gross, the detailed descriptions of his illness and pustules and so on, it seems that pretty much anyone who saw a Dr in those days was very lucky to escape with their life. He had a vein opened and then held ajar with a bean of gold for months and months, i mean even in those days it's hard to understand the thinking behind that science!

well, i am going to sift through my bags of miscellaneous crapOLA and hope that someone on e bay is desperate for it!

Trapped in a box with a cockney nutjob...

back in wakey! I've managed to do quite an amazing thing and leave my keys in cambridge so i am in fact TRAPPED inside the flat now!! it's one of those doors where you need to lock and unlock the front door so simon locked me in this morning and i am trapped...it's quite fun really!! BUT i have missed my job centre training which started at 10 (uh oh...sweet) it's not like they're actually giving me any money yet (if at all) so i feel little obligation to do interview technique role play, which is pretty much my worst nightmare ever.

anyway, not much to report, did lots of walking in cambridge and realised that it's not actually that bad to walk into town and stuff which i've always hated doing. had a picnic with mum in the grounds of the Leper chapel which we thought was quite fitting! Saw lovely Marie, went to a 30th birthday in a marquee in a beautiful house in Shelford which was lovely, all the fields behind the garden and the sunset, made you realise the benefits of some money again! did the usual non-stop chatting that i do when i haven't spoken to normal people in a while and i have a few drinks so that was probably good for me, if not for other people. Helped mum re-arrange her bedroom, stayed up late every night watching telly... that's about it really.

Just this morning I have discovered the Horrible Histories series on CBeebies, it's bloody brilliant! MUch better than most 'comedy' on BBC, it's like Maid Marion and her Merry Men or something, really funny so i may watch more of that today while i'm trapped in the flat! There's no bread or milk, but it's okay as we ate a massive dinner so i feel like i have an inflated ball in my body anyway. My plans for the week are to a) sell every thing in the flat on e-bay and live large on the profits b) sort out the kitchen and c) do some drawing in the studio.

c'est tout.

spleen

i can't sleep, i am too angry and wound up and sad and also desperate.

money is whirring round my mind. I still haven't got any, so obviously when my overdraft went £2 over the usual £60 fine has come falling into my lap again, only i can't pay that, so when they take it i guess i'll get another one and another and so on. sometimes i think for a second that having no money is liberating, but it isn't. it's shit. I need a carrot and some celery tomorrow, but i can't get them cause i haven't got any money. the thing that it does tend to do, i'm finding, is make you into a recluse. you can't meet anyone for coffee or anything, and it is a bit embarrassing, and also you don't go out cause you know you can't be exposed to nice things that you want but can't buy.

the £15 national express voucher is going on a train ticket tomorrow, so that has come in useful. Going back to cambridge on tuesday to see my mum.Up here in wakey it is possible to slightly remove myself from the horrible stuff happening at home, not to mention the fact that the whole house makes me sad now, and dad is living in my room so that feels really weird too, i think i'll sleep downstairs...he won't be there though, if mum's at home then he's a grandma's. That's another weird thing too.

If i had some money i'd do kickboxing. I'm alive with anger and frustration all the time. anyway, i better go to bed cause i don't want to keep simon up which i'm sure i am. just had to vent.

Bright side

i'm going to have a bath. they are good for everything.

frig fuck

hello, today i have spent a lot of time in the studio, lino cutting, which has given me a sore neck...

there was a 2 hour interlude where i went to the job centre and waited and waited and waited, to be honest i don't really understand the procedure, two things struck me, one is that you can pretty much turn down any job you want by putting conditions onto your form, like, 'i won't travel further than within 10 minutes of where i live' and 'i want to earn this much' and ' i won't work alongside anyone with smelly breath' but also it seems that i'm being assessed as follows: if i've made enough contribution from NI in the last so many years, i can have the dole, if i haven;t, i can't. i was a student until last year, so (bar jobs that i've done pre-2002) i have only paid 10 months NI in the last 7 years, i can't imagine that that will qualify me for anything. so i am not hopeful. meanwhile i continue to have no money whatsoever, so it's a good thing i didn't need to get the bus to the job centre or i couldn't have. arses. There was what was either a giant walking, talking baby or an 8 year old girl with a dummy in there and when i stood and walked over to the desk the man said 'are you going to leave your daughter over there?' presuming i had stood bolt upright and decided not even to acknowledge, let alone speak to, my daughter, so desperate was i for my money, money i confusedly spend on dummies for my 4' 10" daughter regardless of the fact that she holds it in her side teeth to speak to me, then returns to sucking on it like a baby...i just said, 'she's nearly as tall as me?!' in an outraged voice, hoping he may glean that this giant and ignored child didn't come from me. Oh well, i guess it's still marginally better than the massive 'pregnancy' hilarity that the cleaners at CATS loved to crowd round and taunt me with.

feeling funny today, dizzy mostly, and headachey, i know that this is cause i'm shallow breathing, but i can't do anything about it. The situation is making me quite physically sick but what can you do? normal life MUST resume. in some semblance, and if it didn't then you'd no doubt be worse. imagine if you had to sit and concentrate on these awful things, you'd kill yourself in no time. No, i just try and go about feeling normal, acting as normal as possible (although it is tricky to gauge what that is when you don't speak to anyone all day) but feeling like you have a helium balloon swelling up inside your head and your heart and your lungs the entire day. My hands shake all the time. it makes it hard to draw.