there was a 2 hour interlude where i went to the job centre and waited and waited and waited, to be honest i don't really understand the procedure, two things struck me, one is that you can pretty much turn down any job you want by putting conditions onto your form, like, 'i won't travel further than within 10 minutes of where i live' and 'i want to earn this much' and ' i won't work alongside anyone with smelly breath' but also it seems that i'm being assessed as follows: if i've made enough contribution from NI in the last so many years, i can have the dole, if i haven;t, i can't. i was a student until last year, so (bar jobs that i've done pre-2002) i have only paid 10 months NI in the last 7 years, i can't imagine that that will qualify me for anything. so i am not hopeful. meanwhile i continue to have no money whatsoever, so it's a good thing i didn't need to get the bus to the job centre or i couldn't have. arses. There was what was either a giant walking, talking baby or an 8 year old girl with a dummy in there and when i stood and walked over to the desk the man said 'are you going to leave your daughter over there?' presuming i had stood bolt upright and decided not even to acknowledge, let alone speak to, my daughter, so desperate was i for my money, money i confusedly spend on dummies for my 4' 10" daughter regardless of the fact that she holds it in her side teeth to speak to me, then returns to sucking on it like a baby...i just said, 'she's nearly as tall as me?!' in an outraged voice, hoping he may glean that this giant and ignored child didn't come from me. Oh well, i guess it's still marginally better than the massive 'pregnancy' hilarity that the cleaners at CATS loved to crowd round and taunt me with.
feeling funny today, dizzy mostly, and headachey, i know that this is cause i'm shallow breathing, but i can't do anything about it. The situation is making me quite physically sick but what can you do? normal life MUST resume. in some semblance, and if it didn't then you'd no doubt be worse. imagine if you had to sit and concentrate on these awful things, you'd kill yourself in no time. No, i just try and go about feeling normal, acting as normal as possible (although it is tricky to gauge what that is when you don't speak to anyone all day) but feeling like you have a helium balloon swelling up inside your head and your heart and your lungs the entire day. My hands shake all the time. it makes it hard to draw.
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