fuck

it's been a funny old day. woke up feeling a little more optimistic than usual, this was increased by a phone call form the benefits office making me an interview, even though i have subsequently realised that i have misplaced my P45 which is apparently essential, and two job alerts that actually look good, even though i have learnt better than to get genuinely excited by those. Then I rang mum who is not doing well. I can't believe i left home before this happened. I feel quite useless here but i know i am of little use there (people keep telling me that so it must be true). Went to the studio and just bollocked about drawing, using a bamboo pen, listening to the radio and to podcasts, i was there 3 1/2 hours, that's my introduction day. I really enjoyed it there, it was peaceful and good for me i believe, now i just need to start a project... i still don't feel like anyone will ever hire me, but i guess i just won't for a while (that's what i keep telling myself so it must be true). Dad was in my mind all day, things i want to tell him, threats i want to make, letters and e-mails and fucking texts i am desperate to write, but i was able to restrain myself, only for mum, cause i know it would make things worse. I am so angry with him, i just can't believe that someone who is meant to love you so much can be so so selfish, and just literally look no further than their own desires, can hurt everyone so much and then see how much he's hurt everyone and then just carry on doing it anyway. I feel like he hates us, it's the only logical conclusion isn't it? I truly know that I would never, ever hurt him this way. I don't even know whether to go and see my grandma, because i wouldn't even want him mentioned, and that won't happen, grandma will say something overtly defensive of him and how he's been so put upon by all of us, and we'd all stop talking and i couldn't bear that. see, he's even completely fucked my close relationship with my grandma, and my access to my grandpa.

anyway, i phoned Gabriel who's wise in fact, and he deferred me from speaking to dad and shouting at him pointlessly. I just need to vent this anger now, does anyone have any tips?

I haven't seen one non-family member (bar Simon) since all this happened. Wow, that would be really really nice. I fear it is pushing back to the brink, like a water balloon about to pop.