ps

i wouldn't mind this card to drop through my letterbox though! it's meaningless nonsense and i love it!

which is better....

Valentine's day
a silly day named after MARTYRED saints (how romantic?!) characterized by sending cards and rendered utterly meaningless in its very nature because everyone is doing the same thing therefore there is little to no feeling of individual special love, quick quick try and get a table booked on valentines, everyone else is tryine and we can all sit in a fully booked restaurant with a communal sharing of individual love+weird.
also famous for: a massive massacre in a garage.
as they say in pakistan "a shameful day. The people in the West are just fulfilling and satisfying their sex thirst" I am now becoming an Islamic fundamentalist. bloody sex thirst. least sexy day of the year more like.
i can't remember any valentine's days at all. can anyone else? i've had a boyfriend for almost all of the ones in my adult life and i literally can't remember any of them, the only one i can remember is the one from when i was single and that is only cause i was made to go to a sushi restaurant and i hate all sushi, so i was very hungry/pissed all night and i had EXCELLENT shoes on. FUCKING BRILLIANT ones.OH and i remember one other one that's cause it was made into a big deal by my beau at the time and was inevitably very disappointing. that's it, it's like my mind barrels have been scraped clean.

ANYWAY as i was saying, which is better, valentine's day, aforementioned mass-hysterical personal-impersonal let-down fest in memory of dead men OR, PANCAKE DAY only 2 days later this year. Day devoted to eating batter in a communal gathering and discussing the merits of classic toppings such as sugar and lemon or more outrageous ones such as spinach and bloody ricotta! pancakes for brekky, for tea time for firsts and for pudding! i know which is better! and you don't even need to go out and pay for the privelege, you can suprise your loved one before/after work with pancakes in bed and eat them together in a mirage of different ways in your pyjamas.
i know which one i would find more special.

i can't feel my extremities....

hello hello, i write to you from my old bedroom in cambridge, now resembling a dumping ground after the death of our friend Grace, mum has taken in most of her clothes in the hope of selling them and giving the money to her children, she, being mum, has also taken in every other bloody thing, and anyone who is familiar with my family knows that the house already has vast areas of un-enterable space due to huge piles of untouched stuff. It reminds me of the man who was called the 'human mole' by the papers and who burrowed through all the stuff that he had piled up to the ceiling in his house, they found him dead burrowed into all this stuff...
aaanyways, i have a MENTAL nightmare that was just like a film, as always, with a beginning and middle and a plot twist and a murderer, I have to stop watching Midsomer Murders...true dat.

I am currently on some sort of jaunt around england, that sounds more fun than it is, basically i am running away from my own poverty-stricken existence by hiding with various members of my family and hoping that they'll look after me, next week grandma, the week after sisters.

I am using the opportunity to wean myself back onto the nerve drugs gabapentin, the epilepsy medicine that helps with neuropathic pain. I have triend 3 or 4 times to take gabapentin, it is like a miracle drug that really, really helps my sciatica, it's used for bipolar disease and epilepsy and any kind of chronic nervous pain like mine. It really really works BUT i have never been able to stick to it because it makes you REALLY REALLY tired and dizzy. Bearing this in mind I was at uni and working both other times i tried, now i suppose i can just lock myself in my room and fall all over the place with dizziness to no end! hooray!

I made the mistake of reading the side effects last night, it really makes you sit back and consider the odds and whether it's worth the risk!!
1 person in 10 will get a viral infection a fever and dizziness, okay, fair enough.
COMMON SIDE EFFECTS 1 person in 100 will get, amongst MANY other things, PNEUMONIA! inflamed EAR?! respiratory infection or urinary tract infection, ANOREXIA??! this is 1 in 100, this is a LOT of people, incontinence (that's all i need) decrease in white blood cells! (how will i know?! i don't want that!!)swelling in the legs and arms resulting in diffculty walking! BACK PAIN! ARGH! vertigo (so?) inflamed gums and teeth problems ( there isn't really anything that is not at risk here) ACNE and swollen face! (i WILL get that one, mark my words) there is also unusual eye movement (i HOPE i get that, it's making me laugh just thinking about it!) diffculty speaking and loss of memory and my favourite one of all ANGER TOWARDS OTHERS- finally i have an EXCUSE!!!! and that one has DEFINITELY already started! with a BANG! also you can get 'accidental injury, fracture. abrasion' this drug causes accidents! like some divine power! These are ALL COMMON side effects! COMMON!!

that's just a selection, THOUSANDS of people are on this medicine, 1 in 100 get that for their trouble, no more pain but it's turned me into an acne-ridden, sleepy-eyed, angry, slurring monster with inflamed gums and swollen arms bashing into everything cause i have no co- ordination, forgetting everything and unable to heal myself due to no white blood cells, angrily looking at everyone with my unusual eye movements, but also feeling dizzy and convulsing, and incontinent but with a urinary tract infection for extra pain/embarrassment.

you don't even want to know that 1 in 1000 side effects but lets just say it involves: acute kidney failure (ie. probable death) hallucinations, WRITHING, inflamed pancreas, inflamed LIVER (ie. dead) hair loss.

woweee, never read those leaflets.
I am also taking some antibiotics which i am not allowed to have milk while i am on so that's a blow as many of you know, cereal time is my favourite time of the day, especially when i am here, in cambridge and i can place a complex/ flamboyant and sometimes multiple cereal order with my dad when he goes to tesco... :( hair loss and now this. No wonder i am writhing...wait a minute.... incidentally the side-effects from these biotics are NOTHING compared to the gabapentin, just swollen tongue and watery diarrhoea or inflammation of the membrane surrounding the heart(it says to contact your doctor if this happens-how do you know that has happened?)and discolouration of thyroid tissue (uh?) or permanent loss of vision, liver failure, just the usual immediate and sudden-death risk that you take when you're trying clear up a nagging sinus problem which is at worst irritating.

anyway, there's an insight into my medicine-filled life, i'll let you know what effects i get, unless i get any of them in which case i'll be in hospital/dead/lying in a swollen/dizzy heap.

bon weekend crewage.

further info

ok so here's the news you've all been waiting for........

THE REST OF JODIE MARSH'S TATTOOS!!!!

Heat has printed a mini interview with the tattooed maniac and this week it is from the exact other side SO i can inform you of the tats that I was unable to see last week in my expose of her 'MY CRAZY LIFE' arm, here goes...

well, i think i informed you that she inexplicably had a clothes peg tattoo, under that there is an unravelled bar of chocolate, 'neath this is an old fashioned perfume spritzer with a air-pad mechanism, puffing out a cloud into the choc, beneath this, 2 dice (i know, die, i hate that plural and refuse to say it, i also refuse to say cacti, it sound ridic, instead i say 'dice, I KNOW it's die' and cactuses I KNOW it's cacti both of which take longer but whatevvaa)

i guess these dice represent chance? dunno why one has 1 showing and one six? you'd think either 2 6's or snake eyes? they are on a plate as well which is even weirder?

UNDER the dice it simply says, 'life's too short' to remind her, perhaps it should have made her reconsider spending about 300 hours getting these shit tattoo's?

Under 'life's too short' are a pair of pants! they are almost the most ridiculous tattoo although i will save that till later, they edge slightly onto the wrinkle of her elbow as well, right under the pants crotch which looks extra rank.

next to the pants is a silhouette of a woman with huge hair falling to the floor, there's another silhouette which appears to be grabbing the woman's hair? but has no head, it has a huge horses tail too, that's what it looks like anyway, i say what i see...

as we move away from the elbow and up the arm things get a liiiitttle bit stranger... yes, stranger than the TWO wooden clothes pegs that are so representative of her 'crazy life'!!

OK so now we have the token lady in bra and pants that all young ladies get now, as a sign of post-feminism or something, 'look at me,i can accept the truth that men know, i too love sexy women in bra and pants' i suppose it's fair enough for her as this is how she's mad her career, although it isn't her, or it looks nothing like her if it is. The tattoo of the woman has it's OWN tattoo... crazy eh?!

OK now we move over the head of the tattooed tattoo woman and we start to get mega weird, a candle in an old fashioned Mr Scrooge-ish Victorian candle holder? my crazy life eh?! me and my old-fashioned candle holder candle! i'm crazy me! over this, so it looks as though it is perhaps cooking it is a head of BROCCOLI i think this is definitely my favourite tattoo, it's right on her shoulder so if she was wearing any vest or dress you would see just mainly this head of broccoli as the main feature of her shoulder, there to represent her crazy life, slightly under it a bulb of garlic, also doing most of the talking for the crazy life.

Next to the broc we have a chicken, i think it's a cockerel, i don't know if that's the idea; 'cock' or if she has hens or likes chicken, for such an explicit array (see: life's too short) of symbolism i could do with more information around the veg/poultry section of the crazy life map.

FINALLY we're down on the shoulder blade, here we have some dog tags and then we're back to the explicit information again with an exposed human brain wearing a mortar board, if this isn't clear enough there are two shining words with rays emerging from them, one saying "GEEK" the other, "A*" and below the raw brain one saying "BOFF" which actually made me cringe so much that i swallowed my own bottom teeth!

Beneath the 'my crazy life' we have a full-forearm portrait of Michael Jackson, well, we both looked for a while and think it's him, I mean come on, if anyone's face is easy to tattoo on it's MJ, it was tattooed onto HIS Own HEAD for fuck's sake, do that one well at least?!!

that's all for now, enough for a conversation started if you run into her though eh?

"Hey, I hear you have a tattoo of broccoli, I too love broccoli"

or

"hey, I hear you have two wooden clothes pegs tattooed on your arm, what's their significance?"

etc. come on i can't spoonfeed you!

not much

whasup le crew? here's my grandma's bendy dog, bernie, i am going to make her a book about him. Bernie eats a breakfast of double shredded wheat and a raw egg, needless to say my first ever experience of picking up dog poo was not as easy as it could have been, we took 4 bags along and ran out, resorting to burying the offending matter in the snow.

just watching trevor on jeremy kyle, he's sensibly opted for a denim shirt with a denim waistcoat overlaid and some pale denim jeans, he also has hair that looks just like a shoulder-length grey wig, he's been perving on his friend by jumping on the bed with her and her fiancee and joining in with the spooning, he says he's just mucking about... give a man a break! he only touches her bum when she's running up the stairs!

look at this amazing leaf, all luscious around the xylem! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!

also, look at this protester dressed as an aubergine! there's aubergine wars going on in India, whaaaadda costume!!!!

i dreamed about a curry buffet all night!

Jeremy Kyle is shouting at a whispering nervy drug addict now, really shouting up in her face.

He just called her a 'selfish woman', it's pretty hard to watch... she's clearly totally zoned out and everyone's screaming at her, now it's 'you're a waste of space as a mother'. UH OH now it's just come out that the woman who looks after the son of the drug addict, who jk keeps calling a saint, she places orders with the drug addict to steal her stuff!!! they haven't lingered on that because it doesn't fit in, but isn't that the worst bit?!!

anyway, i am going to make a victoria sponge. that is howwwaaa roll these days. laterrrss!

a man on JK today was the TWIN of Matt Damon

...to the point where it was UNBELIEVABLE i hope you all get to see it one day, i truly, truly do.


i need some maaaannnnaaayyy!!!!!!!!

i am going to do it. i am going to try and get my book published. I have given myself until May to have it finished! i am also going to sort my life out and maybe try to get an agent because this is ridiculous and i am much more talented than 98.5% of illustrators so FUCK OFF everyone i am taking over the world.

uh oh now i feel sick from my own stupid hubris and like i have cursed myself.

aaaanyway maybe i think i should stop trying to get full-time jobs cleaning in wakefield prison (imagine... just imagine what you'd be cleaning) and start trying to be confident-although that doesn't mean anything cause if you aren't confident then you aren't and that's the end of it!

we were watching Charlie Brooker's Newswipe last night and he was talking about that woman in america who had her face ripped off by a chimp, it is SO SO horrific it's really unbelievable. It was a supposedly safe house chimp, it took her whole face off, eyes nose and mouth, I saw a photo of her in a magazine a while back it's utterly awful. On Planet Earth there's a bit with chimps and they truly are BASTARDS don't be fooled, they aren't like lovely orang-utans or something, they're like evil man-bastards, anyway, on Planet Earth they go about attacking babies and mums for a laugh and they had ripped the exact face off a baby so it looked like a rubber mask. What I'm saying is, it must be something they do, and don't have one as a pet.

off to york tomoz for a sweet outing to see stewart lee WOO HOO! have a brewski and a giggle and such, very exciting after my hermit behaviour from back pain!

catch y'all on the flipper, don't forget to watch Popstar to Operastar!! I'm rooting for Darius! x x x x

my crazy life!

the boy on todays JK has sculpted his hair into a crown...he has a long, thin neck and big boggly eyes.
I'm halfway through my closer/heat two-pack, i have discovered the following:
* angelina jolie has definitely had a nose job but no one has noticed
* victoria posh face is much uglier naturally than you ever feared (i learned this from 90's photos of her in heat)
*britney's not crazy she's "lost" (she's not she's crazy)
*Jedward have done a single with Vanilla Ice, which is so embarrasing I want to be sick
* Lindsay Lohan is donating money from the sale of some leggings she's designed to Haiti (literally UNBELIEVABLE.)
*Dec from Ant and dec has hair like bran flakes crumbs, ie. balding, (i had a dream about him last night that I accidentally broke his halogen oven in the middle of us flirting so it came to an abrupt end but i fixed it by realising it was blocked with powdery meringue).
*Some girl from a programme called 'The Hills' has had 10 plastic surgery procedures in a day,
*Jodie Marsh's tattoes are amazing: it says 'My Crazy Life' then has things around it that I suppose represent her 'crazy' life, I can make out lipstick, make-up brush, hammer and nails (?!whaaa), furry handcuffs, coathanger (mmm, that's a nice tattoo to have), CLOTHES PEG! (SHIT!), a bottle that says 'vodka' but looks like a wine bottle, a screw(haha), high heel with pom-pom, something which looks exactly like a cake slice, high heel with straps, diamond, skull head with angry eyes and top hat, dollar sign (?), strawberry, club sign, buddy holly (poor man), an OK! magazine sign that says 'NOT OK!' with a fake front cover saying 'only sane person exclusive' with a girls head that I presume is her but isn't (cringe) and tiny cactus. there's loads more but i can't make it out.
*Campaign against tanning on pages 64-68
*How to do tanning on page 73
nothing else of interest in heat

in closer however!
* Jordan says she loves alex more than she ever loved pete, they deserve each other they are both thick so why does anyone give a shit??!! Peter Andre is also really thick by the way.
*Posh has to have bunion surgery which leaves you in a wheelchair for 6 weeks and means you can never wear heels again. I remember the only occassion i ever saw someone with bunions hammer toes, it was at the Frank Lee swimming pool and was totally shocking! I was going to insert a picture here but it bought sick up my throat just looking at pictures.
*Gail Porter has a new boyfriend, I saw her in Wakey the other week.
* I lost 18 stone then my husband ran off with my mum.

Oh god, Lorraine from the Apprentice is in Closer diets, I wondered whose face that was looking at me cripes!!

i'm also watching This Morning, the inundation of crap is clogging my cells...why am i in bed? my back KILLS. This man called Kelvin McKenzie is a fucking TWAT i hate him!!!

i've got such an annoying syndrome at the moment where i keep forgetting what it was i was thinking about, it's driving me mental it makes you want to scratch your brains out! what causes this??!! how can i stop it??

jedward are talking now, their hair is much taller than before and really does look stupid. they are very stupid incase you were wondering. one of them is clearly the nominated talker, the other just chipped in and was silenced.
anyway, i am rambling. i'm off for a bath to try and sort out my back so i can head to the studio.

whatever you do by the way NEVER type 'lamb with human face' into google images. you WILL regret it. I know i do... :(

wakey news

i've realised why it's so hard for me to blog anymore, it's cause i never see anyone else! it's other people a good blog make...hmmm...i am going to try really hard to write my blog from now on i promise, i don't even know if anyone reads it at all any more?

anyway... what's going on in my world? unemployment still rages... been applying as always for a load of jobs that i don't really even understand what they are and praying someone will give me them. got back from cambridge at the weekend, suffering slightly from the usual shock of returning to real life and feeling a bit down in the dumps about it all.

Spent yesterday in the studio which was nice, although I always drink much too much coffee...plus all my biscuits are soft...hmmm...on the plus side, i took a fondant fancie with me. Speaking of which, me and simon bought the aforesaid fancies in sainsbury's on monday night, when i returned last night there was 1 left! meaning simon had disposed of 6 after work! I mustn't buy ANY Kipling cakes, he hoovers them in, a few weeks ago we bought buy1 get 1 free Angel slices which come in compartments of 2 slices...I partook of 1 of these... Simon partook of the rest on a saturday morning, i think it was 10...shocking...

Went to the Socialists last night for the first time in aaages, wasn't able to go while I was at Waterstones cause of work and haven't been recently due to strange behaviour of one of the members who retreived my phone number from head office and has phoned me about 300 times in the last month....incidentally this was addressed last night simply by him sidling up to me and saying 'ay up i've been tryin to get hold of you to tell you the meeting place has changed'-??!! not enough of an explination i don't think...calling me at 10:30 on a friday night? he's very very creepy! but i believe utterly harmless. i could beat him up.

we were talking about the Youth Fight for Jobs campaign last night. The brother of aforementioned creepster had been invited to talk about the reality of being on the dole. Just to give you an idea of what it was like in the room before the 'grown up' members arrived i had to sit there while the dole-boy announced to the room " hey, hey, who's seen that new compare the meerkat advert? where you learn about how he got his accent? how classic is that?!" to a round laugh of approval... I did feel as though i was in a youth club... anyway, this boy's talk about the dole was somewhat like listening to a shit stand-up comedian and i somewhat trumped him at the end by pointing out my situation and how i wasn't even eligible for the dole and was a floundering wreck.
sometimes people go on and on on such a self-involved tangent that i can't believe that no one is saying anything! I sit there doing a screwed up offended face that i can't control cause i can't believe that out meeting has turned into people taking it in turns to talk for 20 minutes a piece on a rambling tangent about some teacher they had at GCSE who wasn't very supportive! everyone sits there nodding going 'yup, too true' i just feel like screaming!!!!!!
the dole-boy explained to us for what felt like 2 hours about his meeting with his careers advisor at school, he relayed this unbelievably dull anecdote in his stand-up comedian manner as if it was hilarious(it wasn't), as if it represented everything that was wrong with capitalism, which maybe it does, but come OOONN everyone in the history of the world has unsupportive teachers, NO ONE gets good careers advice, we'd be there forever if we all shared these memories!

about half the group are aged between 18-22 the rest are over 40 and there's me in the middle, i often get embarrassed by the young people and lumped in with them as a youth because i think the others think i'm about 20... they're very sweet some of the boys and i really like a couple of them but i did burst out laughing a couple of times last night at how ridiculous some of them sounded, one lad was explaining how he was going to write a letter to our local MP "filled with my own hate and anger" he said this is a really unemotive northern way and i just started laughing and couldn't stop!

there was a couple of girls there last night, young students, still, it was nice to have girls there. One was talking about this compulsary college course they have to do which supposedly teaches you how to be a good employee but basically teaches you to be a doormat.

GROSS Jeremy Kyle is on and a guy on it is obsessed with porn he is literally the scariest looking/talking man i've ever seen, the word porn being uttered in reference to him just bought burning bile up my throat. he's so thick he can hardly talk it's like it's causing a massive effort.
anyway, i am off to the studio to do a music project with students from Wakey college, not sure what that'll be like but thought i might as well do it...hmm...

anyway, i shall report more tommora. laters potaters