not much

whasup le crew? here's my grandma's bendy dog, bernie, i am going to make her a book about him. Bernie eats a breakfast of double shredded wheat and a raw egg, needless to say my first ever experience of picking up dog poo was not as easy as it could have been, we took 4 bags along and ran out, resorting to burying the offending matter in the snow.

just watching trevor on jeremy kyle, he's sensibly opted for a denim shirt with a denim waistcoat overlaid and some pale denim jeans, he also has hair that looks just like a shoulder-length grey wig, he's been perving on his friend by jumping on the bed with her and her fiancee and joining in with the spooning, he says he's just mucking about... give a man a break! he only touches her bum when she's running up the stairs!

look at this amazing leaf, all luscious around the xylem! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!

also, look at this protester dressed as an aubergine! there's aubergine wars going on in India, whaaaadda costume!!!!

i dreamed about a curry buffet all night!

Jeremy Kyle is shouting at a whispering nervy drug addict now, really shouting up in her face.

He just called her a 'selfish woman', it's pretty hard to watch... she's clearly totally zoned out and everyone's screaming at her, now it's 'you're a waste of space as a mother'. UH OH now it's just come out that the woman who looks after the son of the drug addict, who jk keeps calling a saint, she places orders with the drug addict to steal her stuff!!! they haven't lingered on that because it doesn't fit in, but isn't that the worst bit?!!

anyway, i am going to make a victoria sponge. that is howwwaaa roll these days. laterrrss!

a man on JK today was the TWIN of Matt Damon

...to the point where it was UNBELIEVABLE i hope you all get to see it one day, i truly, truly do.


i need some maaaannnnaaayyy!!!!!!!!

i am going to do it. i am going to try and get my book published. I have given myself until May to have it finished! i am also going to sort my life out and maybe try to get an agent because this is ridiculous and i am much more talented than 98.5% of illustrators so FUCK OFF everyone i am taking over the world.

uh oh now i feel sick from my own stupid hubris and like i have cursed myself.

aaaanyway maybe i think i should stop trying to get full-time jobs cleaning in wakefield prison (imagine... just imagine what you'd be cleaning) and start trying to be confident-although that doesn't mean anything cause if you aren't confident then you aren't and that's the end of it!

we were watching Charlie Brooker's Newswipe last night and he was talking about that woman in america who had her face ripped off by a chimp, it is SO SO horrific it's really unbelievable. It was a supposedly safe house chimp, it took her whole face off, eyes nose and mouth, I saw a photo of her in a magazine a while back it's utterly awful. On Planet Earth there's a bit with chimps and they truly are BASTARDS don't be fooled, they aren't like lovely orang-utans or something, they're like evil man-bastards, anyway, on Planet Earth they go about attacking babies and mums for a laugh and they had ripped the exact face off a baby so it looked like a rubber mask. What I'm saying is, it must be something they do, and don't have one as a pet.

off to york tomoz for a sweet outing to see stewart lee WOO HOO! have a brewski and a giggle and such, very exciting after my hermit behaviour from back pain!

catch y'all on the flipper, don't forget to watch Popstar to Operastar!! I'm rooting for Darius! x x x x

my crazy life!

the boy on todays JK has sculpted his hair into a crown...he has a long, thin neck and big boggly eyes.
I'm halfway through my closer/heat two-pack, i have discovered the following:
* angelina jolie has definitely had a nose job but no one has noticed
* victoria posh face is much uglier naturally than you ever feared (i learned this from 90's photos of her in heat)
*britney's not crazy she's "lost" (she's not she's crazy)
*Jedward have done a single with Vanilla Ice, which is so embarrasing I want to be sick
* Lindsay Lohan is donating money from the sale of some leggings she's designed to Haiti (literally UNBELIEVABLE.)
*Dec from Ant and dec has hair like bran flakes crumbs, ie. balding, (i had a dream about him last night that I accidentally broke his halogen oven in the middle of us flirting so it came to an abrupt end but i fixed it by realising it was blocked with powdery meringue).
*Some girl from a programme called 'The Hills' has had 10 plastic surgery procedures in a day,
*Jodie Marsh's tattoes are amazing: it says 'My Crazy Life' then has things around it that I suppose represent her 'crazy' life, I can make out lipstick, make-up brush, hammer and nails (?!whaaa), furry handcuffs, coathanger (mmm, that's a nice tattoo to have), CLOTHES PEG! (SHIT!), a bottle that says 'vodka' but looks like a wine bottle, a screw(haha), high heel with pom-pom, something which looks exactly like a cake slice, high heel with straps, diamond, skull head with angry eyes and top hat, dollar sign (?), strawberry, club sign, buddy holly (poor man), an OK! magazine sign that says 'NOT OK!' with a fake front cover saying 'only sane person exclusive' with a girls head that I presume is her but isn't (cringe) and tiny cactus. there's loads more but i can't make it out.
*Campaign against tanning on pages 64-68
*How to do tanning on page 73
nothing else of interest in heat

in closer however!
* Jordan says she loves alex more than she ever loved pete, they deserve each other they are both thick so why does anyone give a shit??!! Peter Andre is also really thick by the way.
*Posh has to have bunion surgery which leaves you in a wheelchair for 6 weeks and means you can never wear heels again. I remember the only occassion i ever saw someone with bunions hammer toes, it was at the Frank Lee swimming pool and was totally shocking! I was going to insert a picture here but it bought sick up my throat just looking at pictures.
*Gail Porter has a new boyfriend, I saw her in Wakey the other week.
* I lost 18 stone then my husband ran off with my mum.

Oh god, Lorraine from the Apprentice is in Closer diets, I wondered whose face that was looking at me cripes!!

i'm also watching This Morning, the inundation of crap is clogging my cells...why am i in bed? my back KILLS. This man called Kelvin McKenzie is a fucking TWAT i hate him!!!

i've got such an annoying syndrome at the moment where i keep forgetting what it was i was thinking about, it's driving me mental it makes you want to scratch your brains out! what causes this??!! how can i stop it??

jedward are talking now, their hair is much taller than before and really does look stupid. they are very stupid incase you were wondering. one of them is clearly the nominated talker, the other just chipped in and was silenced.
anyway, i am rambling. i'm off for a bath to try and sort out my back so i can head to the studio.

whatever you do by the way NEVER type 'lamb with human face' into google images. you WILL regret it. I know i do... :(

wakey news

i've realised why it's so hard for me to blog anymore, it's cause i never see anyone else! it's other people a good blog make...hmmm...i am going to try really hard to write my blog from now on i promise, i don't even know if anyone reads it at all any more?

anyway... what's going on in my world? unemployment still rages... been applying as always for a load of jobs that i don't really even understand what they are and praying someone will give me them. got back from cambridge at the weekend, suffering slightly from the usual shock of returning to real life and feeling a bit down in the dumps about it all.

Spent yesterday in the studio which was nice, although I always drink much too much coffee...plus all my biscuits are soft...hmmm...on the plus side, i took a fondant fancie with me. Speaking of which, me and simon bought the aforesaid fancies in sainsbury's on monday night, when i returned last night there was 1 left! meaning simon had disposed of 6 after work! I mustn't buy ANY Kipling cakes, he hoovers them in, a few weeks ago we bought buy1 get 1 free Angel slices which come in compartments of 2 slices...I partook of 1 of these... Simon partook of the rest on a saturday morning, i think it was 10...shocking...

Went to the Socialists last night for the first time in aaages, wasn't able to go while I was at Waterstones cause of work and haven't been recently due to strange behaviour of one of the members who retreived my phone number from head office and has phoned me about 300 times in the last month....incidentally this was addressed last night simply by him sidling up to me and saying 'ay up i've been tryin to get hold of you to tell you the meeting place has changed'-??!! not enough of an explination i don't think...calling me at 10:30 on a friday night? he's very very creepy! but i believe utterly harmless. i could beat him up.

we were talking about the Youth Fight for Jobs campaign last night. The brother of aforementioned creepster had been invited to talk about the reality of being on the dole. Just to give you an idea of what it was like in the room before the 'grown up' members arrived i had to sit there while the dole-boy announced to the room " hey, hey, who's seen that new compare the meerkat advert? where you learn about how he got his accent? how classic is that?!" to a round laugh of approval... I did feel as though i was in a youth club... anyway, this boy's talk about the dole was somewhat like listening to a shit stand-up comedian and i somewhat trumped him at the end by pointing out my situation and how i wasn't even eligible for the dole and was a floundering wreck.
sometimes people go on and on on such a self-involved tangent that i can't believe that no one is saying anything! I sit there doing a screwed up offended face that i can't control cause i can't believe that out meeting has turned into people taking it in turns to talk for 20 minutes a piece on a rambling tangent about some teacher they had at GCSE who wasn't very supportive! everyone sits there nodding going 'yup, too true' i just feel like screaming!!!!!!
the dole-boy explained to us for what felt like 2 hours about his meeting with his careers advisor at school, he relayed this unbelievably dull anecdote in his stand-up comedian manner as if it was hilarious(it wasn't), as if it represented everything that was wrong with capitalism, which maybe it does, but come OOONN everyone in the history of the world has unsupportive teachers, NO ONE gets good careers advice, we'd be there forever if we all shared these memories!

about half the group are aged between 18-22 the rest are over 40 and there's me in the middle, i often get embarrassed by the young people and lumped in with them as a youth because i think the others think i'm about 20... they're very sweet some of the boys and i really like a couple of them but i did burst out laughing a couple of times last night at how ridiculous some of them sounded, one lad was explaining how he was going to write a letter to our local MP "filled with my own hate and anger" he said this is a really unemotive northern way and i just started laughing and couldn't stop!

there was a couple of girls there last night, young students, still, it was nice to have girls there. One was talking about this compulsary college course they have to do which supposedly teaches you how to be a good employee but basically teaches you to be a doormat.

GROSS Jeremy Kyle is on and a guy on it is obsessed with porn he is literally the scariest looking/talking man i've ever seen, the word porn being uttered in reference to him just bought burning bile up my throat. he's so thick he can hardly talk it's like it's causing a massive effort.
anyway, i am off to the studio to do a music project with students from Wakey college, not sure what that'll be like but thought i might as well do it...hmm...

anyway, i shall report more tommora. laters potaters

little to report

hey hey, writing to you all from cambridge, originator of the blog. at this point i haven't left the house since friday, and then i only saw the inside of the car and crazy hospital, so i am going slightly mental and getting my usual guilt waves and lazy bastard disease.

had my last day at waterstones on thurs (again) i am actually sad to leave this time, it's much better there now christmas is over and i reckon i was pretty good at it too, it suited me well... the desperate job fear was delayed as i whizzed down to the bridge for my denervation on friday. sat in the frenchgate centre in donny waiting the 2 hours until my cheap train, watching all the terrifying children buy kfc's then throw them at each other and repeatedly run backwards up the escalators screaming, punching bins and stuff. a security man came and removed the crew that were behind me and i kind of got lumped in with them and ushered out, even though i was quietly eating some chocolate and reading a historical account of urban london, maybe he could see it in my eyes, i'm a rebel, i'm a maverick.

got back to cams about 9:30pm, came home and had a late dinner with the crew, chloe told us all about the TV show she was filming 2 weeks ago with John Burton-Race (yes, you heard me right, chloe is on a cooking show!) as is utterly typical of the harries genes it seems she maintained dignity until the last minute when she gave someone double up-yours on camera. I'm so proud!

went to Ely on Friday, things were very busy up the hosp, busiest one ever, there was a lot of sitting in a chair staring, the irony being that if you suffer from a chronic pain normally nothing is worse than sitting still for ages. me and other women stared each other out, trying to guess who'd be the lucky one to go first...by 2:30 i'd been there 2 hours and at this point a nurse came in and whispered indiscreetly that they'd all just gone to lunch. I think i went in about 330 in the end? maybe later? anyway, it was very painful for some reason and i had to double up on the sedation...basically they stick a magnetic pad to your thigh to earth you and then stick four hollow needles in your back which they pass an electrically charged wire into, you have to tell them when you feel it touch your nerves, but make sure you can't feel it in your legs because then they may switch your leg nerves off! then they zap the nerves and kill them.

came home feeling pretty agonizing. chilled with chlodj and even had a...pizza hut! got the whole family into the wonders of popstar to operastar (BRILL!)
saturday i was a bit depressed which is the usual after-effect of lots of painkillers...watched little women which was somewhat foolhardy and caused lots of hysterical crying...of course once total wipeout and hole in the wall and take me out (BEST programme on telly ever) began things took a sharp turn for the better. If you haven't watched take me out (why not?) you are an arse, basically, there's 50(?) women who have lights that they can turn on or off, a series of ridiculous men are paraded in front of them and if they fancy them they keep their lights on, ultimately though the men choose who they want, so it isn;t empowering or anything, but it is BRILL!!!

what else... not much really, just taking lots of painkillers, my heart keeps slowing down but i'll choose to ignore that...gonna apply for some jobs, desperately trying to relax and look after my back but finding it incredibly difficult!!got many urges to hoover and stuff, i just tidied the dvds which has set me back about 2 days! it's impossible to relax when you're unemployed anyway, the guilt runs all the way into your bone marrow...

midnight oil

it's a late night post, the post with the most.

can't sleep, which is the usual irony as i had no problem sleeping all the way through 'tinker soldier sailor spy' today as i desperately tried to concentrate on it, despite the fact that everyone in it looked the same to the point where it was unbelievable that it seemed to be a coincidence, and believe me, trying to follow a very wordy spy drama about moles is made very difficult when the only people in it are 60-70 year old men who all look the bloody same and who are all really powdery so they look as though they've been done up like a corpse. It was one of Rowey' s Xmas presents, and he enjoyed it so i guess that's all that matters...

i want to read, but i don't want to wake him up... I stupidly said I' d work a different shift at work as i was phoned up and harangued but now i know i don't want to so i feel all nervous and annoyed... i'm such a dick like that, i have no ability to put anything into perspective, my body reacts physically to every annoyance and won't let me forget it.

had a really nice weekend, rowey went out after work on friday and i was left in the house with no food, we had planned to go shopping y'see, so there was no bread, milk, nowt, and i of course, not owning 1 penny, rely on simon to feed me, like a baby bird... watched a good docu on More4 on demand about anti-semitism, highly recommended, then ate some old biscuits and went to sleep, rowey cam in about midnight and ate ALL the lovely french biscuits chloe had bought me from Paris which i was pretty peeved about in the morning... He made up for his misdemeanours by cooking a great dinner on both nights and we had a lot of fun fatting about and watching 'take me out' and total wipeout and all such other delights! and of course, Wallander!

ho hum. well there isn't much to report, just general poverty and despair, less jobs seem to be advertised than EVER and i am even beginning to contemplate...da da daaa getting a job in ...cambridge.... i know, it's unthinkable. it's funny, when people used to say to me that they literally COULDN'T get a job i used to think that they were aiming too high, or not doing enough, but until you are in this situation you can't understand the frustration. this'll be my 7th month of having £0 income. (6 actually, cause of waterstones.)I've sold everything! what else can i do?!! ARGHHHH!!!

i think i may write an award winning novel about my life under a pseudonym so that everyone who knows me can't find out all the awful stuff i've done...? i shall begin tomorrow.

i know you all say that i moan a lot, but you would too if you were unemployed and totally fucking bereft of any of the little pleasures that money affords you such as ANY freedom whatsoever, so f off. thankyou!

2010

well i never, is this the blog, back? for 2010?? just when you thought it would never happen??

there's too much to say but at the same time nothing to say....hmmm...

well, I headed back to the bridge on the 23rd, spent Chritmas eve relaxing and making the marzipan shapes for the Christmas cake, I decided to depict the 'alleged' poisoning of Sir Thomas Overbury in the tower of London, accompanied by the 60 stools that he passed before dying, James the I being camp, Lady Somerset bringing him poisoned jellies and Lord Somerset telling the court that he and James may have done the rude while being smothered by Francis Bacon...I know, I know, it's a bit obvious, but it is an absolute Christmas cake CLASSIC.

had the mentalest christmas ever, and anyone who knows my family knows that that must be pre-etty mental indeed...however that is another story...

spent a LOT of time playing Guitar Hero as a band, me on vocals (forte's included: Hungry Like a Wolf, Heart Shaped Box, DU HAST, by Rammstein, and No-one Knows) dad on bass (scribidiba babaaa) Gabs on drums (no one else was trusted with this role, although a few days later I was allowed a go and I was pretty good, he wouldn't say so, but I was!) Chlo on GIIItarrr woop with an alternating selection of Simon Rowe/ Liv and Rick stepping in, I can't think of these long band sessions without thinking: Sweaty (it makes you REALLY sweaty, even singing does!) and CAVA as it seemed to be being drunk as if from an endless fountain...

I managed to avoid not one, but BOTH episodes of Dr Who which I never thought would happen but was a wonderful christmas present for me!

went out for Di's birthday to the Swan which was rather jolly, spent about 20 million quid on the quizzy but we won a FIVER which was sweeet!!

Headed up to Scotland on the 28th, first time I'd been in the car all the way there for ages, just like the old days...

The snow in Scotland was already a good 2ft deep when we arrived. The house was a farmhouse with a sweet log fire and 2 sofas that are so large and so deep that you fall asleep within 2 minutes of sinking into them... I cooked lots of crazy dinners including haggis with swede and cheese pie?! basically every evening was spent drinking vast quantities of wine, toasting in front of the fire and eating lots, and of course, the odd game of rude boggle! We created a snowman of Henry the VIII which looked like a sumo wrestler and was complete with back fat and a giant bit of broken pot as a codpiece... Chloe proved herself to be an utterly unscrupulous snowballer who pelted you then hid behind mum to prevent revenge...damn she was good... the snow kept falling, we went for a couple of walks, walking in snow that goes to your knees is bloody hard, but it's so beautiful and surreal that you do it anyway. On one walk it went from being sunny to being a blizzard in a matter of seconds and it was honestly like being on another planet, the whole sun was obscured by a sky filled with snow, it's utterly transfixing...talking of transfixing, I became totally obsessed with spotting animal tracks, I will post some of my photos, my most exciting find was a badger because their sweet little feet look like mini-human feet, mostly there were deer tracks and pheasants who run all over the snow looking for grub, i have some unidentified ones too... oh and i followed some foxy tracks across the garden into the woodshed where it had made a sweet little bed under an upturned bench, I refrained from looking under it in case it leapt onto my face clawing at my eyes, I did leave it some bread though, even though I know it wouldn't really want it, but beggars can't be choosers, I probably led a poor little bread-guzzling bird straight into its chops I realise as i write this...

ANYWAY, we got stranded in black ice where loads and loads of drivers had simply pulled up and stopped driving out of fear, which was reassuring to me as it is the kind of thing i would do, but provoked great shouting and swearing from my dad who skidded us round all the no-go roads at about 90mph hilariously removing his hands from the wheel and so on... coming out with his favourite lines of 'absolutely nothing could possible go wrong' etc.

when we headed back into england we realised for the first time that it had been snowing somewhere other than scotland. Arrived in Harrogate for a Betty's only to find everything shut and deep deep snow everywhere, everyone was tired and very hungry so we headed to Wakefield where even the MUmbai was closed, we tried, and failed to drive up our road so Simon and I carried our stuff to the flat and pushed dad's car out, we had intended to follow them to Cambridge but were utterly snowed in so gave up and went to bed exhausted.

On weds the 6th we borrowed a spade in order to dig the car out, living at the top of a hill and in a close absolutely NO ONE had bothered to do a fucking thing to clear the road and we noticed a few of our neighbours' cars abandoned on the ascent. We, however, had a mission which was to get to my grandma's house-in Dorset, so dig we did, Simon had taken his holiday this week in order to take me there, ad because he had none over xmas or new year, so we were bloody well going.

After the utter trauma of our road the rest of the journey was as smooth as silk, not one fucker was on the road cause of the news, and of course all the main roads were deserted and perfectly fine so we whizzed down in 5 hours flat.

Had an unbelievably brilliant time in Dorset, looking after Bernie the bendy-legged dog, we even took him for walks every day AND took it in turns to clean up after him, except once when he did so many that we ran out of bags and had to bury it in the snow... but I take that to my grave... fed him millions of treats mostly involving some that look like bacon and make your hands smell for so long that he thinks you're MAde of bacon, and some that I purchased which are a dog-version of allsorts and which I found very amusing...

watched loads of Frost and other such tv detectives, generally lounged about and laughed with grandma and had a brilliant brilliant time, went on meals on wheels on sat which was as funny as ever, especially when grandma said to one woman, 'it's cold outside' annd was told 'I do KNOW that, I have BEEN out today'-! argh!

Saw grandpa twice, arrived in time for communion at the home on Friday and joined in, they all seem to really enjoy it, although they dip the wafer in the wine as obviously the folk ain't allowed booze, so grandpa did put in a request for some wine, and Roy, the man who thinks he's in a train station made me laugh by responding 'i know, chew and swallow' in a bored voice when given the wafer! One man there used to play piano for loads of really famous bands including the beatles and they pushed his chair up to the piano where he proceeded to play! He's a really lovely waving and smiling man, I wish he lived downstairs instead of all the angry men who fight with grandpa!

Mum and dad came on Fri and Sat night, it was their 33rd anniversary, crazy.

Not much more to report, been back at Waterstone's this week, doing another fortnight there which I certainly can't turn my nose up at. Money panic is setting in again big time, the job thing is utterly utterly dire, there's NOTHING. Really am despairing. Back is also incredibly bad, having another Denervation next friday so once again, fingers crossed.