nobody likes me everybody hates me

bloody Nora, i walked halfway today it was absolutely boiling, set me up well badly for the day, I'm all sweaty and my hair's all fluffy and i need a swim. Big time.

Dear Executive(Sir/Madam), RE: Funds Investment and Management Placement. We are facilitating for a private investor who wants to invest his financial estate in long-term business venture in your country/company under your supervision. You will be required to; [1]. Receive the funds. [2]. Invest and Manage the funds profitably. The amount available for the investment is over Sixty Five Million United States Dollars (US$65M). My client is willing to a negotiable percentage Management Commission as soon as the funds arrives your bank account. We expect to hear from you urgently as this is a high priority Investment Placement and kindly send the following information to enhance communication; 1). Full Names and Address 2). Company Name and Address 3). Telephone, Fax and Cell phone numbers. I look forward to your swift response to this mail and please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the below email address,then I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending project when I have heard from you. Sincerely Yours, Ares Hseih. [Assistant General Manager & Chief Financial Officer] Industrial & Commercial Bank of China (Asia) Limited. Website: www.icbcasia.com email: areshseih@yahoo.com.hk

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA TINUBU SQUARE, VICTORIA ISLAND,LAGOS-NIGERIA. OFFICE OF THE INTER.REMTTANCE DEPARTMENT (C.B.N) TINUBU SQUARE,VICTORIA ISLAND,LAGOS-NIGERIA FROM THE HONOURABLE OFFICE OF THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNORCENTRAL BANK NIGERIA LAGOS NIGERIA. CONTRACT#:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009. Dear Sir/Madam, During the auditing and closing of all financial records ofthe Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) it was discovered from therecords of outstanding foreign contractors/ Award Winnersdue for payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria inthe year 2005 that your name and company is next on the listof those who will received their fund. I wish to officially notify you that your payment is beingprocessed and will be released to you as soon as you respondto this letter. Also note that from the record in our file,your outstanding contract/Award payment is USD$8,500.000.00 Million dollars (Eight Milliom Five HundredThousand United States Dollars). Kindly re-confirm to me ifthis is inline with what you have in your record and alsore-confirm the information below to enable this officeproceed and finalize your fund remittance without furtherdelays. 1) Your full name. 2) Phone, fax and mobile 3) Company name, position and address. 4) Profession, age and marital status. 5) Bank name and address As soon as the above information are received, your paymentwill be made available to you via an internationaltelegraphic Transfer through our correspondent bank , whichwill be confirmed in your nominated bank account.Send yourdetails to Central Bank Governor . Contact Name: Prof Charles Soludo Email: professorcharlessoludo.charle1@rediffmail.com Tel: +234-702-672-1701 Best Regards, SecretaryFOR: Prof Charles Soludo. E-mail: professorcharlessoludo.charle1@rediffmail.com Executive Governor,Central Bank Of Nigeria


65 million and 8 million 500 thousand on offer today. From a Professor too. I can't be brought into the complete picture until I respond, understandably.

so much for my careful packing regime in which i was going to delicately cleanse each object and dispose of those that I don't use, instead everything has been swept off the shelves straight into a giant box, each object useless, and each coated with a thick thick layer of dust. delicate glass bowls balanced perilously under litres of PVA glue, precious photographs rammed into tiny cracks. It's the Rose Harries way I'm afraid, who was I kidding?

Work becomes more and more unbearable as the days go on. 20 more days of work after today!!! But gripped by the inability to even find anything remotely resembling a job in Wakefield, a slow but increasing wave of terror is building in my body...possibly culminating one month from now in a tidal wave of sick that pulls all of my entrails out with it?
My current tactics for facing my impending life changes it to not think about them at all. I have put them behind a teeny, but very heavy door, like those fire doors, and there all the thoughts shall remain.
The other thing is to just quickly think 'itwillallworkoutokay' before you shut the door. Or else to think 'what's the worst thing that will happen?' that's one that a lot of kind people say to me if I express my feelings that it's not too late to cancel it all, and maybe I can live with my parents forever? after all, they do it in the Mediterranean?
The thing is, what is the worst that can happen? I could get there and just sit in my studio and do NOTHING and have absolutely NO ideas whatsoever, this is probably my biggest fear, and to be fair, it's pretty legitimate...
I could get there and do some stuff and then everybody just laughs at me, in my face. Or else just goes 'yeah, that's nice' but no one ever gives me any work ever. Also a pretty legitimate fear.
Everyone HATES ME HELP I'M CRAP! see then that happens.

SO I just shut that door for now and picture myself sitting in the studio drinking tea. Forget all the other stuff.

Got an M&S Cherry compote yoghurt today, the woman at the till asked me 'do you like this?!' so I said 'ooh yes it's delicious' to which she eyeballed me and said 'euch, i think it's much too sweet' quite sternly (read:you're fat, that's why you like this) and so ended our interchange. Why do people feel compelled to comment on every fucking thing?!

on that note, adieu, bon weekend, I'm off to glory in the sunshine of wakefield and start filling the studio with boxes of receipts, dusty mugs, scraps of paper, and kinder egg toys.

blogging blog

 blogger is suddenly 'fortiguard'-ed  at work, so i have been unable to spend my usual rambling time getting paid to blog...

anyway, haven't got time to write one now, i need to watch Great British Menu-dessert final! hopefully all will be back in order next week. let's take a quick look at the most fucking ridiculous news story in a while. This woman and her family literally 'could not believe their eyes' when they saw Jesus' face in this marmite lids. Look at it?! Mad bastards!!

some photos from the weekend

My new best friend:

W.S.P

thaankk goodd it's friii-iidaayy, woo! It's sunny, it's Friday, things are sweet. I've bitten the inside of my lip, but other than that, things are good.

Went to the beer festival yesterday evening. Very disappointed by the size of the cheese queue... had to remain unexplored...partook of grapefruit, peach, and lavender honey ales, all very civilized.

Dad went to Southampton today for work, no point in him driving back in order to take us to Dorset, so me and Simon and mum will allee to Dorset on Saturday in Henry, Simon's faithful Peugeot (it is a Peugeot isn't it?). Here I plan on making another trip to WellWorth's, to see if it's shut down yet, and to look for the put-upon Joy, who's displays are always ruined. I shall also peruse the charity shops and amble around Poundbury, perhaps visiting the Poet Laureate for a cheeky half...

I've just witnessed the daily spectacle of the kids arriving for their exams, they turn up anything up to an hour late, and Marie and I marvel at the amount that the examiners walk in and out in and out with coffee, one of them takes The Times, and even goes 'have you got the times yet?' to us, then he reads it in the exam room and fills in all the sudoku!! Probably the kids are just openly sharing answers throughout! Not how I remember exams!! Another phenomenon here is that there are websites now that will write an essay for you to a specific question brief, so the teachers here tell me that they receive these essays that they know aren't written by that student, but there's nothing that they can do about it, cause you can't prove that it is plagiarised, it is original technically. I can't stand all of this stuff! Imagine how degrading it is to those students who actually write an essay, and are interested in the subject. It makes no sense to me either, you don't have to do A-levels, lots of the most successful people get there by leaving at 16 and working, it must be so boring to do a subject that you have so little interest in that you literally can't bear to write an essay, or to read around it or research it...

I always secretly liked the excitement of exams, I liked the kind of gambling aspect of whether the good questions would (he's just taking the Times now!) come up, then quickly jotting down everything you could think of, like pouring your knowledge out of your brain, where it was stored just at the front having crammed it in for the exam. It was always shit when you got a bad question though. Usually in maths. I remember that in Latin I hadn't bothered doing the coursework so I got entered for the Latin history exam, I was the only one who did it and I had to sit in the sports hall on my own for what seemed about 2 hours while Miss Cleavy waited for it to be faxed through so I could do it! I still remember seeing this phrase 'sub ione', for the first time ever on my word list just before i walked in and it being the first word i had to translate (open air-it means).

Chloe said she couldn't read my blog cause the writing was to small, I made it bigger but it looked a bit shit, does everyone want the writing bigger?

anyway, this is well boring. I'm going to go away and read BBC history magazine about the Knights Templar, then come back later.

Well, I just emailed my local councillors to ask them if they were going to put some traffic calming into Queen Edith's way and Chinton Road, the only roads in the world untouched by any form of speed monitoring and housing about 10million children from Netherhall, Queen Edith's and the school in the park, to stop the boy racers driving like cocks down them ALL the time. It is something that really annoys me so I figured, vote on that. Actually, Labour have got shit policies, their #1 seemed to be to save the grass verges in front of the houses, I mean come on, who gives a shit! Talk about set yourself an easy challenge! Where's the meat? Where are the real problems? There are problems and no one wants to address them, it's just posh twats going "waa waa waa my grassyverrrggeee! ssomeone parked on my grassy verrrgge, i should be allowed to smash their car up with a hammer, they left a tyyyree deeennt wwaaaaa"...it's so American, it's all about private property preservation, I hate that stuff so so much. Talk about politics for the privileged.

But you know, this speeding stuff does really bother me, it's the biggest killer of children, I mean how ridiculous is that? an avoidable killer? Children used to die like flies from disease in Britain, and still do all over the world, we just kill them cause we can't be arsed not to. Car drivers act like it's their right to drive, and their right to drive fast, it's not a right, it's a priviledge, I'm an advocate of speed cameras, a car is for getting you from A to B and if you don't want to be encouraged to do that safely, for the sake of 5 or 10 extra minutes then you're a fucking idiot and you should have your license taken off you anyway.

So there you have it. I think I should be a politician. I can't be arsed though. I think I'd be good, I can trick almost everyone into getting on with me, isn't that the first characteristic? Plus, I do really care about stuff, I'd stay up all night for these things, arguing. Maybe i will do it. Bring back the SWP in Wakey.Or just 'Wakefield for Socialism' WFS...I like that....sounds preety good...

noo Wakefield Unite for Socialism, W.U.S. hmm sounds like wuss... WSU wakefield socialists unite...bit too communist for the man in the street? WSP Wakefield Socialists Party. that'll do.

Anyway, i think i may have bored you enough today?

Sorry about that...

Have a lovely Bank Holiday y'all.

Here's a picture to keep you happy:

fly gobs.

There's a German boy in here wearing a leather jacket and leather army boots over his jeans, I think when he just left that he clicked his heels? Don't do yourself any favours mate! Lots of the German kids here give me the creeps, it's really unfair I know, and I try to resist it, but they are so........ don't get me wrong, they are mostly 18+ so not kids really, and they are generally very surly bunch, the ones that come up here, argumentative and bad-humoured and so on, so i do have a basis for disliking the particular ones that I'm thinking of. Mostly as well, they are tall, blond and they wear leather army boots, I'm not exaggerating, it's weird.
OK, enough of the light racism (something you won't hear them saying-ARR!!). There are massive tensions here between the German and Chinese students, they do definitely treat the Chinese students with a level of fearlessness, they have no qualms about shouting at them, as if they were small children.
Cripes my sciatica hurts, it's distracting me immensely.
So on to the Apprentice... SHOCK eviction of Ben! The boy with the face of an evil riverside dwelling animal... Ma and I agreed that it would have been more satisfying if Ben had gone on a week when he was being more overtly dick-ish, it was a real suprise, I thought deborah was a goner, choosing the rocking horse was a ridiculous decision. I can tell that Srallen likes James, also I thought that the birthing pool WAS a good choice! god listen to me, what a load of old balls! Anyway, I am glad that Ben and Philip, the repressed homosexuals, have gone, and perhaps the massive wanking competition can come to an end. James and Lorraine for the finalee!

No Planet Earth AGAIN last night, watched a programme on i-player about the South Pacific though, that was nice, not a patch on Attenborough though, the script was awful! I'm used to classier things now...Plus I was forced to witness a) a fly with a massive gob and tongue and b) a carnivorous caterpillar with 5 spike legs at each end and no legs in the middle :( it's really interesting though, to see how these remote lumps of land colonize, with little things washing there in the waves and blowing there in a cyclone. Also, they touched on Easter Island, which is so fascinating, how a race can use their resources up to extinction... mainly cause they want to build massive heads...aaaahh the pursuit of art...

So weird planning my last few weekends in Cambridge. I can't bear to think about it. Gonna arrange such a sweet blow-out for the 13th, it may involve me being sick. and crying. The last few years have been so so mental, when I think about them I get worn out, I think maybe my life is calming, and even a level of contentment creeps in now and then, which is all I've ever wanted really, well, it's all anyone wants.

I'm tired.

so I expect you'd all like to see my studio? Well here it is.

Studio A9, Westgate Studios, Wakefield. 4m x3.5m of puuurree studio.

In other photographic news, my African violet has flowered for the 4th successful occassion and continues to fill me with joy! It's officially my only success with a flowering plant ever:

And while I'm adding photos, some sweet cakes from Chinatown:

and some steaming chinese dumplings:

In other less jolly news, my back pain has returned with a bang. I don't know if this is because my pain comes and goes in cycles or if the treatment worked and I never will , so the whole thing is utterly pointless. I feel sitting here as though I have molten metal running the length of my right leg, like wolverine when he was being altered...

As far as packing goes, apart from collecting things for my desk I have also collected some enormous cardboard boxes at work, so everything I am doing involves acquiring more things that take up more space and doing nothing practical.

APPRENTICE!!! Who will go today...? I struggle to remember any of them, but it's going to be probably.... Howard? he's a dribble queen, his days are numbered...it might be James after the unneccessary hostility Srallen showed the poor blighter last week! Causing him once again to clasp his hand over his mouth like a child who's just seen someone wee their pants, or step on some ants.

No planet earth watching last night (I know...) cause dad was in Munich and at this critical point we felt we couldn't betray him by watching without him! Especially as we have deep seas and seasonal forests to look forward to! seasonal forests, my favourite kind! hopefully we'll get some Beavers and squizzers, although me and ma do differ on our woodland creature preferences, I like squizzers, she hates them, this was cemented after she saw one sunbathing in our garden. I was thinking you could probably make a really good series about British wildlife, using the amazing production values of Planet Earth, it'd be great to see the weird and wonderful things that go on here, reconnect people with wildlife, we always think our wildlife's crap, but I bet it does some pretty sweet stuff too? Although, there's only about 10 square miles of Britain with no one living in it so maybe not...it'd all be urban foxes eating leftover Rustlers out of bins, and seagulls with mayonnaise on their beaks circling city centres.

Ho hum. So the Speaker finally resigned, how embarrassing was all that?! Bloody hell, what a bunch of rotters! I know that I would never do what they all did, and I'm sure most people i know wouldn't. Even if I really wanted to and I was in debt and stuff I would remain too scared that I'd be rumbled, I mean, don't any of them know anything?! Don't they watch telly? You always get rumbled in the end. I don't understand what they all do with their salaries if they don't pay for rent or food or furnishings or appliances or furniture or maintenance or transport? They should definitely get fired, lots of them did it in a very calculated way and in a normal job they'd get the police in on something like that. The woman from Luton who spend more than 20 grand on dry rot at her 3rd home in Southampton was on the news last night walking along with her husband and laughing, it made her seem like even more of a massive piss taker.

Oh shit, I've let my coffee get cold.

Laters crew.

The new Dragon: Rose Harries

What exactly are you supposed to do when people are swearing at you in another language?

I don't know any swears, apart from 'shizer', which I hear quite a lot, and I always consider saying 'Hey, you, don't say shizer old chap'. But when we tell the students off and stuff, they often retort in an angry monologue, no doubt full of profanities, but what can you do? 'hey don't swear at me', 'how do you know i was swearing? maybe I wasn't' 'okay then, well, just don't,yeah?' would be the only result. Marie and I always wonder if they're laying a curse upon us... I probably have about 50 curses on me for asking students not to apply manicures in the library and could they please not play mah-jong.

There's a thing called the nocebo effect, it's the opposite of a placebo, it's where you get ill effect from a control drug, curses are also an example of a nocebo, people have been known to almost die from the effects of a curse, then a pretend ceremony performed by the Dr. to remove the curse is enough to return them to full health.

anyway enough of all that. I am consumed by tiredness today and very nearly failed to get up.

Phew, this just came in, thought I wasn't going to make any money today!! Now 65 million, the most so far! Can't believe they keep choosing ME, I mean, i didn't even know that i was a renowned investor! but it seems I am! One of them actually said that I was 'well known' for my entrepreneurship! Isn't that amazing?

Dear Executive(Sir/Madam), RE: Funds Investment and Management Placement. We are facilitating for a private investor who wants to invest his financial estate in long-term business venture in your country/company under your supervision. You will be required to; [1]. Receive the funds. [2]. Invest and Manage the funds profitably. The amount available for the investment is over Sixty Five Million United States Dollars (US$65M). My client is willing to a negotiable percentage Management Commission as soon as the funds arrives your bank account. We expect to hear from you urgently as this is a high priority Investment Placement and kindly send the following information to enhance communication; 1). Full Names and Address 2). Company Name and Address 3). Telephone, Fax and Cell phone numbers. I look forward to your swift response to this mail and please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the below email address,then I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending project when I have heard from you. Sincerely Yours, Ares Hseih. [Assistant General Manager & Chief Financial Officer] Industrial & Commercial Bank of China (Asia) Limited. Website: www.icbcasia.com email: areshseih@yahoo.com.hk

They all seem to be coming from Hong Kong these days. I must be practically famous there as an entrepreneur. I guess I am a pretty good entrepreneur now i think about it... I mean, we did used to set up a stall on our wall when we were little, selling something, but I can't remember what, can you Chloe? and we had a club, 'The Environment Club' then too, but I'm pretty sure we didn't make any money...just sat in the tree in the front garden keeping an eye out for litter bugs.
Actually, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made money in any capacity in my life except a job. Also, I really hate entrepreneurs, they're always like the people on the Apprentice, they only love money and acquiring stuff is of primary importance to them, more than people or morality. I find that whole thing of the hard sell so so cringemaking and degrading.

Anyway, maybe they heard about 'the environment club' or something in Hong Kong? Or that I sold 5 copies of my £12 book? I guess I am a pretty amazing entrepreneur actually? £60 I made off my own bat, 18 months ago, that does suggest I should be in charge of investing $60 million.

Planet Earth update, the end is in sight, 2 episodes left, Planet Earth has vertainly taken a darker turn, shallow seas was very excellent, especially the starfish bit, they speed it up so you can see them shooting all over the place, one is 2 METRES wide!!ARGH!! I guess it only gets depressing cause you reealise how horrible all animals are, how sneaky and cruel they are, and once that theme is repeating over and over again, you start to despair of the world a bit...No wonder Darwin started to question God, life is so so cruel, everywhere.
The only animals that are exempt from this are herbivores; your deer and your cow-type animals, your goaty and rabbity creatures, grain eaters like lots of birds, elephants are also continually just as you hope in Planet Earth, lovely, loving, clever and sensitive. Sharks and Crocs* are evil, so are lions and wolves* and foxes.
So there you have it. My analysis, which is growing more frenzied as my annoyance with a student sat near me increases.


*extra evil

chimpanzee bastards.

will my luck never run out???now this:
Mr. Mark KoffiBank of GhanaAccra-Ghana Dear Friend, I know this letter will come to you as a surprise because you do not know me before; my name is Mr. Mark Koffi Director Cargo Department, Bank of Ghana. During the airlift of some presidential luggages to Europe I and my colleagues in the above department unanimously decided to include additional luggage containing US$8million only for our own benefit though it was labeled \\\"Photographic Equipment\\\" for security reasons. I am obliged to contact you to assist us on getting the luggage cleared from the agent and delivered to you.As we have agreed on the following tames. (1) All relevant documents to claim the luggage will be procure in your name to enable the agent deliver the luggage to your mailing address. (2) You will be entitled to a share of 25% of the total amount. (3) 5% of the total amount will be set aside for expenses on both sides. (4) 70% of the total amount will be for my colleagues and me. If this business terms and conditions are ok by you, kindly contact me on my private email address: markkoffi0091@yahoo.co.jp, also, furnish me with your full names, mailing address and your personal telephone / fax numbers, for easier communication for immediate forwarding to the agent in Europe. Note that this business is 100% risk free, as all relevant documents to back up the claim will be procure on your name, however we advice you to keep the entire transaction close to yourself until you received the luggage. For security reasons other modalities will be discussed as soon as you response to me. Yours Faithfully, Mr. Mark KoffiDirector Cargo Dept

I had a better one on saturday, but accidentally deleted it. It was from a woman in Hong Kong, telling me that she was the lawyer to a man who put her in charge of millions of pounds, but went and died in the Iraq war along with all of his family and everyone he knows. I need to pretend to be this Iraqi man, Mohammad's only relative and I can steal all his money, now he's dead. Pretty nice huh? nice and moral.

So I've been undergoing a bit of a hormone surge over the last week which accounts for a lot of my despairing behaviour.I apologise to those who fell foul of it...like everyone I encountered... sosossoooozzz!

Eurovision was thoroughly enjoyable, although the standard was boringly high this year, not enough crazy shit, apart from 'Anti-Crisis Girl', a woman on the bad side of 50 who had mortgaged her house in order to pay for her set... uh-oh... But she was a winner in our eyes! There was lots of mega gayness though which was at least keeping some of the spirit alive. Greece was obviously the gayest of the night, Germany was a close contender, but there was a woman there and the song was more cabaret than gay disco like Greece...

We wanted Armenia to win... The Norweigan guy who won looked like the controller of channel 4 from Harry Hill. Here's a similar puppet, I think you'll see the resemblence:

creepster! everyone kept saying how gorgeous he was!

Anyway. Went to meet my friend Helen Zhang in Chinatown with Chloe, had some really nice Chinese buns. Hope I can get some chillaxing in this week, been knackered for the last week. Lying in bed and listening to audio CD's or the News Quiz, is the best way to relax, in my 'umble opinion. I've stupidly used up the newsquiz already, impetous idiot that i am...

Planet earth was NOT as relaxing as I had predicted last night. Jungle was pretty much the rankest one ever. It did have nice bits, but I had stupidly thought that jungle activities were all rosy and lush. NOt so. Can I just throw the words 'Brain-eating' and 'fungus' out there for you? Not to mention the fact that chimpanzees are BASTARDS!! I mean i know that they are similiar to humans, but they are just like the bastard humans! they love war and killing each other and needless cannibalism! No sooner was I breathing a sigh of relief at the appearance of some lovely frogs was I witnessing a frog rape!ooohhh! jungle! I was relieved to move on to episode 9: Shallow seas, but mum was asleep before I could settle in to the relaxing sway of the sea grass so we turned it off prematurely. grrrr!m-u-s-t rel-a-xx!

anyhoo, cannae believe it's monday. I really need to start packing/throwing away my trinkets. At the moment all I am doing to progress toward my new life is constantly buying things that I can imagine being on my desk/walls in the studio. I'm crap! Still, I wish I'd bought one of the tiny bowls of plaStic red beans with a china spoon that I saw in Chinatown, that would have been great on my desk...

ps.

Oh my god I just watched wadda hadda dudde da, WATCH IT! it's amazing.

Wadda Hadda Dudde Da?

I dreamt last night that I found a snow white rabbit on Cherry Hinton road, after i took it home it was down to about the size of a hamster, then it later became about the size of a ladybird and i kept drowning it by trying to give it water, and then reviving it. By the next morning it had morphed into a revolting hard-shelled black insect and was doing battle in the cage i'd put it into with another insect. I felt great revulsion toward it and was deflated by the awareness that I had signed up to care for it when it was a bunny, so I must fulfull my duty of care now it had morphed into an insect. (There were also aspects of the ring-road around Ipswich in my dream, but they were in the form of quite an abstract awareness more than anything else...)


I'm definitely watching too much planet earth...
Last night planet earth was sad. The ice was too thin to hold the adult male polar bear so he was forced to swim and swim for land. Luckily he found it, and fell asleep. When he woke up he was starving and stupidly attacked some MASSIVE walruses out of absolute desperation. One of them pierced him with its tusks. The polar bear could hardly walk, and was stranded on this little rock with no prospect of food. He dug a hold to lie and and curled up inside it.

There was an arctic fox which was rank, it has all random hairs sticking out, and patches off different coloured fur and wispy bits, and it's well greedy, she was trying to pick up about 8 snow-geese chicks at once and kept dropping them, then the mum came over and she dropped them all, then picked up the one chick that was untouched and okay, and ran off...

there was a real sweet kind of rabbit too, really really furry and round as a football, with little ears.

ok okay, enough planet earth al-re-ea-dyy as an american would say.
Off to LAAANnnndaaann tonight after work for merriment and Eurovision. Probs open up the 80's bar. Not sure who I'll vote for, I haven't heard our song yet but I hate Webber so I already don't care if we win... although it would mean that there was a chance to go and see it live! sw sw sweet...so long as there are some good entries, although I am concerned that some countires are becoming self-consciously ironic. Germany always try to be ironic, but it's always even funnier, there's nothing more embarrasing than trying to be ironic in a really shit way! Nothing will ever beat Wada Hada Dudde da, the late 90's German entry that I can still recite on command... :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQGgougd-Ig fucking hell, it's on YouTube!! I thought i'd never see it again!!
As for my leaving party, the muted response has left me cold to the idea, so I think i shall share my departure with my family, and cry, and all that.
nice weekend and stuff, laters.

pissed off as usual

the theme of today has been things going missing. every 2 seconds someone says 'have you seen my flask/sketchbook/calculator/manners/bag?' they leave their stuff everywhere and are shocked when someone nicks it or moves it. the weirdest thing about it is that they are so accusatory to us, they peer over our shoulders into our office and argue about the whereabouts of their stuff, 'why would someone take it? why would a student take it?' oh balls. I am sick of it here. No matter how absolutely terrified I am of moving and doing stuff, anything's better than this.
I'm sure I'll have nightmares about some of these students forever.

shits and giggles

Planet Earth wasn't quite as fluffy as normal last night. It was CAVES! you know what that means...b b b baaats!!
SO there's a cave in Borneo inhabited by something like 30million bats, the entirety of one species, I think they are called 'wrinkle-lipped bats' (which prompted mum to say "oh they must be related to me" which is still making me laugh now!) the floor of the cave is something like 30 million tonnes of bat shit-guano-but look closer...the floor is moving?! what's that? OOoooh it's just a living floor of 500 million billion cockroaches! THhaaat's what it is! aahahhh, how lovely! and what's this? a bat has fallen from the celing of the cave? and it's simultaneously drowning in it's own shit and being eaten alive by cockroaches? oh RiiiIIIgghht, just wondering! Shame that dad was tucking into some crispy Chinese takeaway as this scene unravelled before our eyes!
anyway, I am being a bit extreme, it's not only cockroaches, there is also shit-eating millipedes and shit-eating crabs ( i typed craps first then, now that would be a wonder!).
These cave animals are so freaky, they are alien, there are species that have de-evolved (is that a word?) their eyes. There are some birds, called swiftlets, which make these little cup-nests out of SPIT, it's fucking rank, and people climb 60 metres up a vine ladder to rip them off the wall cause they get used in soup and are worth the same gram for gram, as silver. People are idiots, fucking spit soup, here's £50, idiots.
The actual caves were amazing, talk about claustrophobia, these cave divers swim for tens of miles trapped in a cave system, they squeeze through holes that are much too small for them, risking puncturing their oxygen, it's terrifying to see! they've mapped underwater caves that are more than 100 MILES long, pulling a piece of string, like in the labyrinth, in order to measure and find the way back. It is all very dreamlike and amazing. The crystals and the absolute purity of the water. They have bacteria that exist miles underground, and are proof that organisms can exist without deriving energy from the sun...pretty sweet.

OK OK ENOUGH planet earth! what's been happening on my planet, yeah?
someone has theived an i pod here, which has caused a gang of his mates to cruise around enforcing martial law, they were just found interrogating a Korean boy on the landing to tears.
I'm enjoying my Penguin audio cd's still, nearly finished Oliver Twist, it's very exciting, and also very shocking, nothing like the musical, also it's quite racist....I think I love audio books the most, they allow for the dual pleasure of looking and listening. Looking at the ducks, listening to a cockney scrabble.
anyway, I am, of course, SO bloody excited about the apprentice, i keep remembering it's on and then feeling excited. Who's going today? I'm predicting Howard, the dribble queen, or else the girl with the scar on her forehead...after the momentous success of Philip going, it'll be a boring one again this week, for sure. JAMES TO WIN!
now for today's haiku:

Haiku
I want to write a
haiku, I do, I do, do
I really want to.

I'm really getting the hang of these.
an ode to the leaf i found today, now sitting on my computer:

Leaf
Spikey leaf, red and
black. Found it on the pavement
near to Jesus Green.

i'm a dick.

ps.

look at this threatening/amazing email i got today:

THIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL E-MAIL TO YOU‏ (threatening)
The Barristers' Mac Robert & ASSOCIATE
Email: barr.macrobertchambers@googlemail.com
PARTNER MANAGING
MAC ROBERT & ASSOCIATES LONDON - UK.
On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Eng. Jurgen Krugger, I once again try to reach you again.I wish to notify you that late Jurgen Krugger made you a beneficiary in his WILL. He left the sum of sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars(US$30, 100,000.00) to you in his Codicil and last testament. (amazing)
Email: barr.macrobertchambers@googlemail.com

so now i have 550,000+30million 100 thousand dollars!!!
thank god i've quit my job! not a minute too soon i think you'll agree!

"Why?"

This is the only breed of freshwater seal(click on it), it is exactly the same shape as an egg see! Oh I bloody love Planet Earth.

There are some monkeys, crab-eating macaques, who swim and pick up food off the river bed, they also hold their breath underwater for fun, and they all have a little mohawk-tuft on their heads.

Mostly though, the sea creatures are less nice than the land mammals, I mean, it is hard to relate to a fish, when piranah's ate one up real fast it didn't make me too sad, but when that bloody croc ate a wildebeast I died inside a bit. true. It spent an hour drowning it. bastard. tell you what, I should believe in god because the devil is here, on earth, it's a croc, or any such related beast, now those are the eyes of pure evil. Also, crocs and any such related beast have been here since time immemorial, since before anything that's still here nearly, we don't know what they really know.... what secrets they've passed down, we don't know what they were doing before we were around, maybe it's all a trick, maybe they are preparing to rule the world (they definitely are). even thinking about it is making me shiver.

another thing that makes me shiver is work.

I don't know if any of you have frequently experienced being ignored, to your face, consistently for 7 1/2 hours a day? by both teenagers and adults? it's pretty frustrating. it creates some pretty strange dreams too, where you're punching and shoulting and screaming and no one listens.

ho hum. god they're doing my head in,this whole bloody place is. everyone is so LOUD? why?

been really enjoying this book, 'My Mad, Fat, Teenage Diary' it reminds me a lot of school. I wonder if i should crack my diaries out again, Simon dipped into them without my knowledge and seems to find them them to be the single funniest things he's ever read, he hasn't dipped into my poetry yet.....my poem "Why?" about the Bosnian war is a particularly poignant piece, I seem to recall....

I was always rubbish at creative writing, I remember spending the last 2 years of primary school trying to write an excellent detective novel, based completely on an episode of Miss Marple, my detective was called Sam Malone (as in, 'Cheers', but a woman) and the idea that I had was that the head of a statue was going to fall on someone and kill them... I don't know how I imagined someone was going to murder someone by quickly knocking the massive head off a statue?! It was a crap idea, and I was constantly frustrated by my attempts to create this masterpiece.

My poem "Why?" incidentally, was the only poem in our year not included in the poem book that a company put together in order to sell back to us and make money! Including a boy in my class who copied the lyrics of one of the songs on the Smurfs album (remember that anyone?) directly out, that got in! I reckon it was just too fucking political for their asses...yeah?

I discovered during my degree that I really love to write Haiku's, I actually wrote 2 or 3 really good ones if I do say so myself. I thought I should try to write one a day, but that's ridiculous so maybe I will write one a week.

I'll write one today. About work. You lucky bastards, as if you don't get enough from me. I am of course joking, you are very kind to read my blog at all.

here's my first attempt:

Work

I hate work so much

It's shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,

shit, shit, really, really, shit.

finally, good luck!

I got this amazing email today, listen to this! you won't believe how jammy I am:

Dear Friend, Good day to you and your family.I am happy to inform you about my success ingetting those funds transferred under the co-operation of a new partner fromChina.Presently I am in China for investment projects with my own share of the totalsum.Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts and attempts you made in gettingyour winnings sent to your delivery address, despite that it failed us some howNow contact my secretary in London his name is (Mr Mike Murdock),Find below hiscontact information. Name:Mr Mike Murdock),E-mail: mikemurdock3470@yahoo.com.hkPhone Number: +447024093713FAX NUMBER:+447092845782 Ask him to send you the total $550,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND USDOLLARS) certified bank Check,which I raised in your favour for yourcompensation for all the past efforts you have made in receiving your winningsin this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very,much. So feel freeand get in touched with my secretary and give him your address where to send thecheck to you.Please do let me know immediately youreceive the Check to enable us share the joy after allthe sufferness at that time. In the moment,I am very busy herebecause of the investment projects,which the new partner and me are having athand,finally,remember that I have forwarded instruction to the secretaryon your behalf to receive that money. So feel free to get in touch with him(Mr Mike Murdock) without any delay.Best regards,Dr Mario Celeste,Fiduciary Agent,GOOD NEWS CONTACT MY SECRETARY IMMEDIATELY

Good day to you and your family; how nice is that? i mean, I don't even know this guy? and he's even taking the time to send wishes to my family!

$550,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND USDOLLARS) ;I'm not suprised he wrote it again in brackets, I mean, that is a hell of a lot of money! He wants to make it clear to me what my 'winnings' are, and who can blame him, I mean, he is being INCREDIBLY generous!

which I raised in your favour for yourcompensation for all the past efforts you have made in receiving your winningsin this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very,much. So feel freeand get in touched with my secretary and give him your address where to send thecheck to you. ;so simple! I mean, he hasn't even checked that I am the correct recipient, and little does he know...I'm NOT! I never made any efforts for him! I don't even know what he's talking about!!! seriously! there's been a crossed wire here! he's emailed me by mistake and I am potentially very rich because of it!

Please do let me know immediately youreceive the Check to enable us share the joy after allthe sufferness at that time. ;wow, he wants to share my joy, after all the sufferness we've been through together (not me though, someone else) but I have been through my own sufferness, little does he know, so I probably deserve it. Also if he's going to fling money around sith such disregard, that isn't my fault is it. So I'd better email his secretary, in London, but with a Hong Kong email address (strange that). Any details he needs are worth it, I'll give them all, I mean $ 550,000, that's like £ 250,000, that's so much money, I'm spending it in my head...yes, yes, I will take you all out! I can hear how green you all are with envy, but come on, we can't all be lucky all of the time.

whaddaday.

i noticed in the guardian that it was Davey Att'brogh's 83rd birthday today!!
how crazy is that for a coincidence!
happy birthday Sir Dave!!

shocks and suprises!

Things hit an all time low yesterday when a man who was probably hepped-up on goof balls tried to run me over. The Dr is witholding my medicine until i go to a POINTLESS asthma review. everyone is grinding, grinding me down into a little powder.

The running over thing I think represented such a low-point that I've actually felt a bit better sice I got over that. I was crossing a zebra crossing on my bike which is technically not 100% correct behavious but there was no one walking there so it was okay really, the man opened his window and called me a 'fat fucking bitch' or something and i casually said ' oh fuck off' at which he stopped his car in the middle of the traffic and opened the door and made to get out and hurt me, but i guess the other traffic made it hard, i cycled off to the right and he went at me with the nose of his car, laughing, it was absoultely horrible, he was still calling me a ' fat bitch' the whole while, all i managed was 'you behave like that in front of your children?', he had 3 children all of whom were under about 8 in the car. The shock was pretty bad, but once i got home i decided things couldn't carry on like this, everything is pummeling me down at the moment, NOmore I say, NO MOre. I shall take back control.

aaanyway, this all leads me to the best thing that's happened to me in ages, David Attenborough's PLANET EARTH. I didn't see it on telly, i somehow was too much of a DICK to, me and mum watched 2 episodes last night, hoping it would cheer us up, cheer us up??? it made us ecstatic!! it is AMAZING! honestly, it's 12 quid on amazon, get it now.

There's a bit about birds of paradise, it's like a bird-asylum, they're all hopping about and dancing and clucking and they also tidy their performance area using little bits of wood like a dustpan and brush, then they do these insane dances, one of the birds honestly did a dance that was so shocking that I nearly fainted! I'm not exaggerating, it's already the best programme that I've ever seen. There was a bit about the african desert annually flooding, and all the animals walking hundreds of miles to the water, it was so amazing, the elephants were all rolling in the water, after walking like 300 miles and nearly dying, and there were baboons which were tiptoeing through holding their arms up like humans, holding their tails over the water and trying not to get wet!! There are also really sad bits too. Watch it, I urge you to. It is one of, if not the, most complex programme ever put together, it took years to make, it's utterly mind-blowing.

ok, ok, sorry! enough! I am doing it for your own good, but i'll stop now!

EURGH and there was a bit which confirmed all my worst fears about moths, but i can't go into it here or i'll vomit. let's just say, I was right all along. about the yoghurt. ARRRRRRGGGHHH I'M GONNA BE SICKKKKKKKKKK.

So anyway, I'm off to the Wakesters today, to get the key to the studio and sign some stuff. I shall also be trying desperatley to find a job. I have drawn a line, but I am pretty desperate. No callcentres, no waitressing and no working in a butcher. Other than than I'll do pretty much anything... cleaning bogs would definitely be better than working here, so the only way is up really! The students and staff here have begun to encroach into my dreams now, which i really resent. especially the Germans, maybe cause they're the most scary by far? I dreamt of one of the staff members last night, the one i spoke about before who doesn't do anything except flirt. I find him so creepy, he makes my skin crawl, also, he looks like a puppet, so maybe that's why he was so transferrable to a dream?

Exams start next week, they're doing them all in here. can't fucking wait. There's a German girl standing near me now, she has a massive fur collar on, they all have the same coat, like a bomber jacket with a fur collar, on planet earth they were showing a cat that lives in russia, there are only 16 left cause of these fur collars and coats, 16!! there's no place for it in 2009, it's completely out of place and disgusting.

Well, guess i must go, the kids are all going mental so i will hide in my office now and think about lunch. Here is a picture from Planet Earth of a mummy panda holding a baby, i daren't show the bird cause I don't want to spoil the suprise!

and let's not forget the great man himself, even seeing his face makes me happy!

look at him! he loves animals and he wants to share it with us! thanks daveyA! I love you too!

everyone is annoying me.

Look at this amazing beanbag I just bought in Oxfam!even the policeman is nice! it's the world i want to live in!

The first thing I thought as I awoke this morning- after the first first thought which was 'what the fuck? what the fuck is this? is this some kind of joke? what is this life?'- was 'Apprentice, apprentice, apprentice!' so I think I may be mental. It's the hightlight of my week.

look at this!!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/gallery/2009/may/06/panda-china-wolong?picture=346954220

I started that post yesterday (weds) but then i was too busy to finish it at work and too depressed to at home.

I am really tired, i have been all week. and i still feel pretty rough too, got some major phlegm going on, didn't help that a student sneezed into my mouth yesterday.
So happy that Philip went yesterday!! Srallen never lets me down. I was worried that Lorraine would go, and vowed never to watch it again if she did.
Shame that Philip went on the week when Lorraine was being a berk, I mean, she is really annoying, they are all really really annoying, but Philip was totally out of control yesterday, he's a prannock, he was like how you are when you're pissed and you persist in an argument, repeating yourself over and over again, even though you can't even remember what it was about...you normally have them with your boyfriend 'yeah but then you said that, i said that, then youu saaiid thatt, but why did you saaay that then? after i said that??' those ones.
Work is driving me absolutely insane. So there's a change. My intolerance levels are rocketing. It is so incomprehensible how so many people can be so rude. people must be so badly raised. bastards.
I'm printing of articles from illicit publications of loose scientific knowledge that says facebook makes you thick/gives you cancer/ makes you fail exams/ makes you socially inept and sticking them up everywhere to scare the children, just out of pure spite.
mmmm delicious spite. I might market it in liquid form, a can of drink, Spite, it would have an almost identical logo to Sprite and would taste the same, but the makers at the factory would have weed in it and sneezed in it and picked their scabs into it, just out of spite to make themselves feel better. I'd be the manager of course, so I could deposit all sorts of things within to alleivate my spite. toe skin, for example. and fingernail underneaths. and whatever is in Rowey's bellybutton. and if a worker crossed me i'd drop them in, like on who framed Roger rabbit.

I am slightly worried that I am slightly slipping into a mad state. I must try and control this.
If i was the kind of person who did yoga, i'd do it. the thing is, the kind of people who do yoga, are like that anyway, they don't need yoga to relax, it's people like me who are perpetually wound into a ball that need yoga, but also who'd never do it.
aah, just had a little break there for some Marzipan Ritter Sport. Things aren't that bad eh?
Oh well, I'll see my counsellor later and see if I can rattle all of my madness out in an hour (HA.)

I think I shall have a leaving party when I go. It is pretty fucking momentous, it's my 27th year in cambridge, and I'm off for the frozen north.
So see if you can vaguely keep June the 12th or 13th free y'all. I have to actually leave the following weekend so I definitely must not get pissed then. definitely.

tuesday.

So here's what's been going down in my world.

Took fri off due to waking up blind and ill as anything. slept till 2 or something, one of those amazing sleeps that you have after a night of restlessness, those ones where you're drifting in and out, and each time you wake a bit, you are profoundly aware of how comfortable you are.

Went to Brighton on Sat, for Ricks b day. London transport served us well, taking us all over london in the morning, and then taking 3 hours to get back from Victoria at night.

First time I'd ever been to Brighton. I always expected to have like a revelation there, i've heard so much about it, and i know so many people who love it the most. It certainly is a little nest, different from anywhere else that I've been. It all feels a bit detached from reality, like everyone that lives there is in a secret gang or something. Had a great day, amazing dinner: battered halloumi with capers and cold minted peas and chips and vodka injected tomatoes, oh yeah, and a quail's egg(!):

At the best vegetarian restaurant I've ever been to! Bloody hell it was good. I will def go back to Brighton to go there! Terre a Terre I think it's called. I am certainly pro any city that is interested in providing vegetarian feasts. Everyone always goes on about how expensive Brighton is but I had a really reasonable experience in that respect, everything seemed much less than london. There are also amazing shops, I found the biggest selection of Moomin ever, I purchased 2 items which I shall share with you tomorrow.

I can see why it would become annoying, everyone there is young and everyone is making a 'statement' of some sort. It does have the surreal atmosphere of a festival or a campus or something, which i imagine would grate if you were there doing a normal job and stuff, but I had a great time there, Simon got the best result ever on the Guitar Hero arcade machine, and I spent about £50 trying to win things on the FUCKIng claw-grabby machines again... someone stop me...please...had lots of fun sitting in the sun and drinking beer, which is still perhaps the most enjoyable activity that there is. It's been so long...

Then in the evening, me, Simon, and lal enjoyed some rum and ginger beer, from a rum-based tavern which even had a rum club. And Lally and me both got ID'd which was pretty sweet, combined we're 22 years over 18, so that's always cheery.

Lost the will to live travelling across London on the way back from Brighton, was even forced to wee in the the street like a dog due to being 2 hours away from previous loo and the same still to go... :( weeing in the street sober, I hope it's the one and only time I, or any one else has to endure that...

Sunday we had a barbecue as is the bank Holiday Tradition...

Simon dressed as a crazy bastard and played the organ and we all drank lots of beer and made an excellent video starring Wolfie, Chloe and Ricky's adopted son made of half sock/ half glove, half pig/ half rabbit, riding a horse, namely, Rick, while a ghost, Chloe, sang to him. It was a fine moment.

Went to Highgate cemetery on Monday, which I had always wanted to do.

It was absolutely amazing. It's the English Pere La Chaise.

there are patches which are devoted to different people, Italians, Poles, Russians, Chinese people, there are patches of Communists and Socialists, Jews, graves of journalists and a fireman's memorial. And obviously this crazy guy guy:

It does seem a bit weird to have loads of communists buried in churchyard, but actually I think it's rather nice, everyone in it together, like in the living world. It was such a crazy place though, vast areas all overgrown with winding vines, wrapping around the gravestones, nature taking over and all that. I recommend you go there, I'll come with.


Just enduring the daily grind at the moment, everything is even more crazy than normal, I've been hot and bothered all day, and my lungs are still rasping with the remnants of illness.

I'll leave you with this, it was on the telly when we turned it on on sunday night.

yesterday will return at 6 am.

yeah?